Now I Know That Table Wasn’t There a Minute Ago!

courtesy smalldog.wordpress.com

I have to be one of the most klutzy individuals on the face of the earth.  I am a complete and total bona fide spastic spastazoid.   Oh it’s nothing to worry about – I don’t have a pending neurological condition (at least I pray I don’t) – I’ve always been this way – since I was a teenager I have tripped over or run into every thing possible that was in my path.  If it is there in a room, I will bump into it, trip over it, fall on top of it, or generally just bruise some part of my anatomy as I attempt to pass by it.  Truth.

At lunch the other day with friends, we were joking about how navigationally challenged I am  — I was trying to prove I knew which way was West by flailing my left arm straight out from my body — right into the right boob of an old woman who was passing by – dang near de-boobitated her in the process.  Spasmo – that’s me.

I have a lovely glass coffee table in my living room – look at some of the pictures on EmmaLou’s page and you will be able to see it – it’s very old; I found it at a consignment shop but I fell in love with it and had to bring it home.  Little did I realize it’s a solid piece of glass and very thick.  The problem with this is I keep running into it and it hurts.  I always have at least one bruise on a leg or a foot from where I’ve run into this table hundreds of times.  Now what bothers me is the fact that I could actually lose my balance and fall onto the table and be really hurt.  So if there is anyone in the Dayton OH area who is looking for a lovely old glass coffee table please email me – I think it needs a new home.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted from my story…. I run into things – doors, tables, couches, I trip over shoes and I slip on area rugs and we all know the story of the infamous fall on the ice last January.  I’m a walking disaster waiting to happen.  Often when I hit something, EmmaLou will be there with me looking at me like I’m some kind of nut case who doesn’t even know where her own furniture is.

The other day  Devoted Spouse was at his volunteer job, and I was at home waiting for the Sears repairman to arrive.  I was on my way into the kitchen and I turned the corner from the dining room into the kitchen and what did I do — I missed my turn and hit the edge of the wall with my bad shoulder.  Ouch.  Stupid and painful.  EmmaLou just stood there and looked at me.  I went on into the kitchen and decided to make a cup of tea.  As I was opening the kitchen cupboard to get out a cup, the phone rang and startled me and what did I do?  I hit myself in the head with the cupboard door as I looked toward the phone.  There sat EmmaLou shaking her doggie head at me.  Ouch again.  That one hurt.

Not long after that I tripped over one of her dog toys and hit the antique heavy wooden coffee table (it was originally a ship’s hatch on a WW II ship)  in the family room and ended up falling onto the couch (thank goodness I fell onto the couch and not the floor).  There was EmmaLou right there looking at me.  Suddenly the doorbell rang.

Guess what happened?  EmmaLou swung around so quickly she smacked her nose right on the coffee table.  Hard.  Had to have hurt.  I sat on the couch and looked at her and shook my head.  She looked back at me and I swear she smiled.  She was having a sympathy klutzy moment with me.

I’m thinking of wrapping my lower half in bubble wrap to protect my knees and legs and hips from table edges – but that doesn’t stop the top part of me from running into door edges, walls, and cupboards.  Sigh.  I need total bubble wrap.  And perhaps a little bit of bubble wrap for EmmaLou would be a good idea.  Or maybe we should just put ourselves in a padded environment with only soft furniture and live in bean bag chairs forever.  Sigh.

We’re just a klutzy bundle of bruises at Chez Crone and Bear It these days.

Sunday Worship and Praise

image courtesy of http://www.hagmayer.com

On this Sunday I’d like to highlight someone I met through Twitter – His name is J.L. Curtis and he sent me one of his songs – I really like it and offer it here as Praise for today. Remember when you worship God it doesn’t matter what the words are, as long as they come from your heart, our Heavenly Father will hear and know. He loves you unconditionally; if you’ve accepted Jesus into your heart, you shall be a child of God forever. Your sins are forgiven and you are reborn.  What more could we want? For me, I cannot live one day without Him.

No video today – just click HERE to listen and you’ll go to this nice man’s website and listen to a lovely worshipful song  called Candlelight.  Enjoy.

Blessings,

Linda

It Must be Tom Cruise Week…Blechhh

Oh wouldn't this be heavenly?

Remember not too long ago about my story of my friend Greg who has the multi-gazillion dollar home theater set up in his house?  Remember he came over to help set up my own sound system and giggled somewhat disdainfully when he realized it really was just a tuner and some speakers or what he referred to as Home Theater in a Box?  Remember how stupid I felt that I had this extremely talented electronically smart guy in my living room plugging in a few cables that I couldn’t do just so I could get what I called surround sound and what he referred to as sound that slightly supplements your tv speakers?  Remember how I felt like trailer trash?  Remember how then he couldn’t figure out how to hook up my DVR to the “sound system” and I felt somewhat vindicated?  Go HERE to refresh your memory.

He did it again today.  We had lunch with the old gang from work and one of our former team members who was in from out of town and whom we hadn’t seen in a long, long time.  I parked my butt temporarily at that end of the table so I could talk and reconnect with my sweet friend, Jose.  Greg was across from us — I casually commented to Greg, “How was your vacation in North Carolina?”  Whereupon he began to regale us with the amazing story of how he was able to snatch up from the jaws of real estate death a new ridiculously low-priced Timeshare in the Smokey Mountains.  This is such a fabulous place that celebrities such as Tom Cruise, George Clooney, and Michael Jordan also live there sometimes – and now Greg has a piece of this action.  I was suitably impressed until he told me that Lee Greenwood (remember the country singer) also used to live there but the residents got tired of his alleged complaints about noise around his property and they kicked him out.

I got to thinking — I sure would like a condo in Florida for this upcoming winter.  Oh we have some property down there but neither one of us has actually seen it – it’s two lots in Cape Coral and the folks there are just now starting to get it developed – but that’s another story.

Anyway, all I could think of was Greg and his lovely wife hot-tubbing it with the likes of George Clooney and Michael Jordan and darned if it didn’t happen again – I felt like trailer trash.  And I know that wasn’t his intention!  Here he is basking in the happiness of this Timeshare (as well he should) and he’s describing its beauty to us and I’m sitting there wondering what type of home in the Smokies I could pick up?  I’m afraid mine would probably look something like the pic below and my closest neighbor would no doubt be Larry the Cable Guy.  *sigh*

about all I can afford in the dream home category

Thanks Greg for reminding me I don’t need no stinkin’ Timeshare.  Greg, ya gotta quit tellin’ me this stuff sweetie.

I love ya man, mean it!   🙂

Church Uniforms…Sounds Like a Project Runway Episode to Me

Oh puhleeze spare me the psychobabble

Read an article today that left my jaw hanging open.  Seems Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise are getting into the fashion business.  And they’re not designing cute outfits for kids, or stuff for the savvy celebrity; no, they are designing uniforms for the Church of Scientology.  Again – uniforms for the Church of Scientology.

Okay – first of all Scientology isn’t a religion; it’s a cult started by a science fiction writer who then promptly disappeared from sight.  Oh wait – let me quote to you from their website the definition of the Church of Scientology:

“Scientology is a religion in its highest meaning as it helps bring man to total freedom and truth.  The essential tenets of Scientology are:  You are an immortal spiritual being.  Your capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized.  Furthermore, man is basically good.  He is seeking to survive.  And his survival depends upon himself and his fellows and his attainment of brotherhood with the universe.” That comes right from their website.  So then I looked up the word “religion” on dictionary.com and I got this:

“a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.” The key words here are “when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies”; ergo, Scientology is not a religion.  I rest my case.  No hate mail – my blog, totally my own personal opinion here.

Anyway, enough preaching – back to the fashion nonsense — I can understand clerical clothing — look at Catholicism and priestly robes –priestly garments go all the way back to the Old Testament – so I don’t have a problem with that.  But what Tom and the Mrs. are designing are, and I quote:

“The scarlet-lined black capes with skirt and trouser suits are almost identical to the sort of clothes favored by Tom and Katie, if a little more vampire-themed.”

Now that’s just plain creepy.  Why would you need to wear a cape anyway – do they think they’re superheros?  I’m just so amazed at what people are doing these days and calling it religion or a “church”, I can’t find the words to describe it.  I dunno, I’m thinkin’ these people are just one step away from the Jim Jones Kool-Aid…go HERE for the original article – I couldn’t possibly have made this stuff up if I tried.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

We all have to follow directions and we are often warned of consequences should we not follow those instructions. For example my new stove/oven came with some good warnings that I plan to heed:

• In case of fire, turn off appliance
• Never open the oven door and use as a step to reach something
• Never heat an unopened can of food as the pressure build-up could result in serious personal injury
• Keep pet birds out of kitchen when engaging self-cleaning option as a small amount of carbon monoxide might be released during the cleaning cycle and birds have sensitive respiratory systems. (I’m not making this up.)

On a bottle of shampoo for my dog it warns:  The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.  Huh?

My new remote control for the cable upgrade states it’s not dishwasher safe.  Well, so much for that idea.

The instructions for Devoted Spouse’s lawnmower state:  Do not attempt to change blade while lawnmower is running.

My Rowenta iron instruction booklet actually says:  Never iron clothes on the body.

My blow dryer instructions warn not to use this appliance while sleeping.

A bottle of Windex in my kitchen honestly warns you not to spray in eyes.

I was fixing a microwave meal not long ago and the instructions on how to heat it are on the bottom of the package.  So I turned the package over and there alongside the instructions was the following warning:  Do not turn box upside down.  So next time I’ll just hold it up in the air above my head to read the instructions.  Gah…

I could go on and on about things like medicine – sleeping meds that tell you they might make you drowsy – well I sure hope so!!

The point I’m trying to get to is we should all follow instructions – I think the vast majority of us have enough common sense not to do the above-listed things.  But many times we don’t read instructions or directions — we simply dive in.

That’s what I did tonight as I turned in my first homework assignment – I just dove in and did it the way I’ve done it for the past 3 classes.  Then later as I was perusing my folder I found an email from the Professor stating how HE wanted these questions to be posted and guess what?  It’s an entirely different process – yes, I had made my first major screw-up on my first assignment.  Holey crapoli Batman, now what do I do?

I wrote a kind email to the Professor (okay I fell on my sword) explained to him it’s been a rough few weeks between not feeling good from my injury and losing my mom and I simply wasn’t paying correct attention.  Would he please allow me to re-post my assignment and I promised I would not make that mistake again.  I figured he’d blow me off (it’s happened before believe me) and much to my surprise I got the nicest email – in fact it brought tears to my eyes.  Turns out he recently lost his 48-year old brother and he totally understands that the combination of stress and not feeling well can easily get in the way of instructions.  He gave me permission to re-post, said he was praying for me, and that if there was ever anything he could do to help me, all I had to do was email him.   Wow – what a total God-moment  that email was.

So, the moral of this long story is always follow directions unless they are so stupid as to possibly cause harm – like blowdrying your hair while sleeping.

One last note and I’ll leave you alone — you will find fewer blog postings in the next 7 to 8 weeks as I work very hard on this class.  I’m also trying to break my addiction to Twitter – today was my first Twitter-free day and I almost made it.  I hit the Twitter around supper time I think. But I made a new Twitter avatar!  Woot!  So go look and you’ll actually see me instead of EmmaLou – Devoted Spouse was taking the picture and EmmaLou was in it and she took off right when he got ready to snap – and then my camera battery died – so it’s just plain old me.   I put a couple of the pics on my Meet the Crone page for you, too.

Anyway, I’ll post as often as I can; it just may not be daily – so don’t stop visiting!!!

Oh – did I mention I need Repair Service on my brand new $2,000 Jenn Air stove/oven???  Unbelievable.  But that’s another story for another post.  Cya l8r gang.  Love ya, mean it!