Now I Know That Table Wasn’t There a Minute Ago!



I have to be one of the most klutzy individuals on the face of the earth.  I am a complete and total bona fide spastic spastazoid.   Oh it’s nothing to worry about – I don’t have a pending neurological condition (at least I pray I don’t) – I’ve always been this way – since I was a teenager I have tripped over or run into every thing possible that was in my path.  If it is there in a room, I will bump into it, trip over it, fall on top of it, or generally just bruise some part of my anatomy as I attempt to pass by it.  Truth.

At lunch the other day with friends, we were joking about how navigationally challenged I am  — I was trying to prove I knew which way was West by flailing my left arm straight out from my body — right into the right boob of an old woman who was passing by – dang near de-boobitated her in the process.  Spasmo – that’s me.

I have a lovely glass coffee table in my living room – look at some of the pictures on EmmaLou’s page and you will be able to see it – it’s very old; I found it at a consignment shop but I fell in love with it and had to bring it home.  Little did I realize it’s a solid piece of glass and very thick.  The problem with this is I keep running into it and it hurts.  I always have at least one bruise on a leg or a foot from where I’ve run into this table hundreds of times.  Now what bothers me is the fact that I could actually lose my balance and fall onto the table and be really hurt.  So if there is anyone in the Dayton OH area who is looking for a lovely old glass coffee table please email me – I think it needs a new home.

Anyway, I’m getting distracted from my story…. I run into things – doors, tables, couches, I trip over shoes and I slip on area rugs and we all know the story of the infamous fall on the ice last January.  I’m a walking disaster waiting to happen.  Often when I hit something, EmmaLou will be there with me looking at me like I’m some kind of nut case who doesn’t even know where her own furniture is.

The other day  Devoted Spouse was at his volunteer job, and I was at home waiting for the Sears repairman to arrive.  I was on my way into the kitchen and I turned the corner from the dining room into the kitchen and what did I do — I missed my turn and hit the edge of the wall with my bad shoulder.  Ouch.  Stupid and painful.  EmmaLou just stood there and looked at me.  I went on into the kitchen and decided to make a cup of tea.  As I was opening the kitchen cupboard to get out a cup, the phone rang and startled me and what did I do?  I hit myself in the head with the cupboard door as I looked toward the phone.  There sat EmmaLou shaking her doggie head at me.  Ouch again.  That one hurt.

Not long after that I tripped over one of her dog toys and hit the antique heavy wooden coffee table (it was originally a ship’s hatch on a WW II ship)  in the family room and ended up falling onto the couch (thank goodness I fell onto the couch and not the floor).  There was EmmaLou right there looking at me.  Suddenly the doorbell rang.

Guess what happened?  EmmaLou swung around so quickly she smacked her nose right on the coffee table.  Hard.  Had to have hurt.  I sat on the couch and looked at her and shook my head.  She looked back at me and I swear she smiled.  She was having a sympathy klutzy moment with me.

I’m thinking of wrapping my lower half in bubble wrap to protect my knees and legs and hips from table edges – but that doesn’t stop the top part of me from running into door edges, walls, and cupboards.  Sigh.  I need total bubble wrap.  And perhaps a little bit of bubble wrap for EmmaLou would be a good idea.  Or maybe we should just put ourselves in a padded environment with only soft furniture and live in bean bag chairs forever.  Sigh.

We’re just a klutzy bundle of bruises at Chez Crone and Bear It these days.


10 thoughts on “Now I Know That Table Wasn’t There a Minute Ago!

  1. I knew that there are multiple reasons that we click and I still think we were separated at birth cause I always thought I was the Queen of the Klutz’s until you came along. Now I think I may only be the Princess of Klutz.

    Where I worked at I was stuck in a corner that was never intended for a human being to sit for 8 hours a day. I had an area smaller than most bathrooms, actual the bathroom behind me was bigger than my so called “desk” area that was a table top with a file cabinet which I managed to hit the corner of multiple times a day. If I didn’t have at least one big bruise on my thigh then I hadn’t been very busy at work. Even tougher when you are “fluffy” and you can’t turn around in your work space. The last year I worked there they managed to reconfigure it and give me a couple more inches of space.
    I am a danger to myself and all those around me – I will take you down with me if you are in close proximity when I start to stumble and bumble about – it’s just not pretty. This morning I was in the kitchen – it’s not real big but there’s plenty of room for DS, EmmaLou and me to all be there at the same time. I wasn’t paying attention as usual and I turned around and stepped right on EmmaLou’s tail. She yelped and I yelped and she gave me “the look” – I told her – that’s what you get for laying down in the kitchen when you know I will be walking around and not looking at the floor. Silly dog. She’s so lucky I didn’t squish her head with my big ole flip-flopped foot! LOL Yes, m’dear I think we were separated at birth…

  2. I think I’ve inherited that gene. I empathize with your klutziness…me and my bruised appendages.
    I swear there are times I honestly think the nurse at my doctor’s office suspects my husband is beating me coz I always end up at my appointments with bruises on my legs and arms. But my doctor knows my husband and knows that would never happen. He knows what a dork I am.

  3. Sheeesh Girl,
    I see you have bruises on your body all the time. I always have a couple of bruises on my thighs…can’t even recall how they get there.
    I think we get klutzy when we get tired or trying to multitask…
    Funny, I was never like this when I was younger. I think I’ve become klutzier after I hit (peri)menopause. Can’t seem to remember much either.
    What was I saying?????
    Please be careful!!!!!
    I’m just an accident waiting to happen and yes, it gets worse as you progress through menopause which should actually be named mentalpause as far as I’m concerned coz that’s what’s happened to me – Ive taken a mental pause. LOL

  4. I’m speechless, because I often (most of the time) wear long pants in the summer to hide all the battle wounds.

    My truck plate (thanks to the boys) 4 gracie. That’s my other name. I’m glad there is a club.

    But, all that in one day? I think you are the President.
    I amaze myself and think I’ve only been outdone in klutzy by the likes of Dick Van Dyke and Chevy Chase and they were ACTING when they took their pratfalls. Yikes. Hit the coffee table in family room twice just last night – just scraped up against the edge but it still was in my way! This morning I sort of ran into the door of the kitchen – cut the corner too fast again. It never ends.

  5. Well I always put myself in the klutzy class, but reading this, I think you MAY be a little worse than me. I think it’s more damaging to the ego than anything else!
    I always feel stupid, fortunately most of the time it’s at my house that I’m just not paying attention and going in too many directions at the same time. Usually I don’t make such a fool of myself in public – usually. Although wearing anything white to a restaurant just demands disaster with food. LOL

  6. My legs and arms are constantly bruised so I know exactly what you’re saying. *sigh*
    I think someone comes into my house at night and secretly moves the furniture just an inch or two just enough that I’ll hit something in the morning. I don’t have an excuse for running into walls and doors yet but I’m working on it…

  7. I too have battle bruises all over. Last summer I took one step off the back porch steps and managed to sprain both my ankles–no one at the doctor’s office could keep a straight face. Only the week before I’d been in there needing to have my hand taken care of (it was still all bandaged up) after Gavin and I tangled with a nasty old stray cat in our yard.
    Well I’ve never sprained both ankles at the same time – but I can understand how you did it. Sure sounds like my type of trick! 🙂

  8. Klutz Anonymous……….we should start one.
    I’d love to, but I’d probably just spill the coffee all down the front of me before the meeting started…

  9. Master Electrician is such a Klutz at work that the kids and I have came up with a phrase each time he comes home with a band-aid it so precious when our 5 year old says “Way to go Bob the Builder” so named after the cartoon character
    I like it, I like it!!! LOL

  10. Klutz Anonymous….sign me up as a member. I too always have bruises and cannot think what I did to get the bruise. Then I sometimes remember that I bumped into something and did not realize that I did it hard enough to get a bruise.

    I hope you are able to get rid of that table if you think you need to. Both of my daughters had glass tables and have gotten rid of them for fear that the kids would break them and get cut. It really helped ease my mind.

    I used to have glass table tops set into wood for my end tables in the family room. I would lift them out to clean them and then one day, one broke, it cut a chunk out of one of my thumbs, but not a really big chunk, just enough though. I finally got rid of them. Good thing that was all I cut.

    I once dropped one of those glass milk bottles, I think I was 10, on my feet because it slipped out of my hand. All I can say is that I got a lot of stitches and that was the first time I almost cut off a toe, but I was lucky and it is still there. Okay, maybe I have been a klutz since I was young. Sigh.

    God bless.
    You may think it odd, but unless company is coming, I always use plastic drinking glasses, for just that reason. I’m dangerous around glass and I really want to get rid of that coffee table even though I love it. I’m being very careful early this morning as I had to take double Percocet and valium last night after the Refrigerator escapade, plus I had class at church last night and they have these hard unpadded chairs and I came home limping. Ouch. My PT this morning is going to not go well. And I only have 2 sessions left after today. What am I going to do without her? sigh

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