The Travels of Croney Part I…or How I Made it to SC is Anyone’s Guess

 

On a nice sunny Thursday morning, I left my nest for parts unknown to me.  I was on an adventure to meet up with a blogging buddy, Linda from Fat Cat Crochet and I was so excited.  Because of ongoing back issues, I knew I couldn’t drive the whole 8 or 9 hours from Ohio to South Carolina at one time so I split the trip into two days.  I planned on spending the night somewhere around Knoxville TN.

Getting to Knoxville TN is no big deal from here…it’s pretty much a straight shot down I-75.  What I forgot was what a nightmare driving on south I-75 can be.  It’s under construction.  It’s always under construction.  And people drive like maniacs.

About 20 minutes south of here is a local landmark – some of us used to call it Big Butter Jesus – it is…or was… a 62 foot statue of Jesus with his hands outstretched toward heaven.  It sat in front of a rather large church. Can you say “ostentatious” kids?   See pic below:

It was outside a town called Monroe and Devoted Spouse and I used to drive down that way to get to the  Saturday flea market (Trader’s World) which just happens to be located next to the church.  But then the police kept raiding Trader’s World coz they had so much counterfeit merchandise.  You know there’s a problem when the tee shirt you want to buy says Washington Redshins (vs. Redskins) – the big lightbulb in your head goes off and you know this crap just arrived on the last boat from Taiwan somewhere.  But I’m getting off topic.  Back to Big Butter Jesus.

A few days before I left for my trip a massive lightning bolt struck Jesus and he burned to the ground.  Nothing left but his outstretched limbs which I believe were metal with the body part being fiberglass and styrofoam.  Some folks around here thought it was divine justice thinking God was rather torqued about such a garish display.  The rest of us just felt it was one hell of a lightning rod and rather stupid putting a 62 foot piece of metal in a water pond and expecting  it NOT to be struck by lightning.  I tried to take a pic w/my cell phone camera as I drove by but danged near ran out of my lane so I found a video of  Jesus’ lil accident for you:

Apparently the church is going to rebuild Jesus….whatever. 

A bit further down I-75 I discovered more construction and all the Ohio police cars in the world with their radar guns blazing.  Fortunately, I was prepared for this (we’ve had some deadly accidents lately and we have been warned NOT to speed in this construction area) so there I was just putzing along at 55 miles an hour going so slowly I was able to fix a snack, tweet, and repair a button that had come off my shirt all at the same time — no, I’m just kidding.  I was one of the few who weren’t pulled over and ticketed that day – yay me.

I made it through Kentucky relatively unscathed – oh I was getting tired so I stopped at the local Welcome Center and saw car after car full of people who were related and perhaps inter-related if you get my drift.  I took off rather quickly and got back on the Interstate.  Somewhere in northern Tenn. I had a slight altercation with a truck driver who was either on something, stupid beyond belief, or just bored enough to want to be a pain in my a$$.  We started playing the chase game; he would go about 80 or 90 miles an hour downhill and ride my bumper then just before he kissed my butt, he’d pull around me, pass, and pull right in front of me and then slow down.  So I’d speed up, pass him, pull around, and slow down.  We played this dangerous and annoying game for about 10 miles, then this dipwad had the audacity to pass me once again and as I looked up at him he flipped me off.  He flipped ME off.  Gah.  Now I know why I don’t have concealed carry coz I would have shot out his tires – every last one of them.  I gunned my car up to 85 (my poor Kia Sportage may never fully recover) got past him and kept on flying down the road until he was but a speck in my rearview mirror.  Thankfully there were no cops around. 

I finally made it to my lovely Holiday Express outside Knoxville and it only took me 5 and 1/2 hours – I was exhausted.  I walked up to the desk to announce my arrival and was met by a lovely lady who, because I am some type of Preferred Bonus member (I have a laminated card and everything) handed me a little white paper bag with my “treats” for being so special.  I took all my crap and my little white bag to my room (which was very clean and nice) and opened my bag expecting something really good.  There was a miniscule plastic bottle of water (warm), a plastic wrapped half dead cookie, and a small bag of potato chips — nothing on my diet.  I said, screw it, and ate both the bag of chips and the cookie.  You only go round once.

After a much needed hot shower I fell into bed.  The next morning I went downstairs to their wonderful continental breakfast.  I saw nothing continental about it except the fact the bananas weren’t grown in the U.S.  I grabbed some yogurt, coffee and said banana and hit the road again.

Fortunately the next 3 hours passed with no problems and I found my bloggy friend’s house easily.  We had a great time for a long weekend and then it was time to head back up north.

Tune in tomorrow and I’ll tell you why one should never trust their GPS…sigh…

 

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