One From Column A and Two From Column B

ImageI recently read a book; a psychological thriller I later learned.  While it was well written, I didn’t like it.  I didn’t like it at all.  Why?  Because it was about the horrible mind games people can play with each other.  I like psychological thrillers, mind you.  I really enjoyed all the Girl With Dragon Tattoo, etc.; and they were pretty rough books.

But this particular book made me so sad because it dealt with a married couple who simply could do nothing but hurt each other in new and vicious ways.

You see…I love the stuffin’ outta Devoted Spouse.  Here’s just one reason:  He labels our Chinese take-out boxes with our initials so when I want to finish what I ordered, I don’t have to waste time opening all the boxes.

So, in a way, reading the terrible book was good for me because it reminded me how loved I am!  sigh…


Food Glorious Food

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Will someone please explain to me why here in the Midwest restaurants think cole slaw is an appetizer?  Every time DS and I go to one of the family restaurants in this area, if I order cole slaw as a side, it arrives prior to my meal.  Do they think it’s a first course?  I don’t know about you, but I like my cole slaw WITH my meal.  A “side” accompanies the meal, yes?  just sayin’.

Do you ever give in to indulgence and order that honkin’ huge milkshake…you know, the one with gobs of whipped cream?  Oh puhleeze, you know you do.  My question is why do they fill the plastic cups so full and add that strange circular top with the opening for a straw, so that by the time you put the milkshake in your cup container, it has spilled all over you, and flows like a volcano all throughout the car? I think the server behind that little glass window gets extra points if this happens to the customer.  “Hey! Got another one wet!” Why can’t they make a top that fits correctly?  Grrrrr.

I always thought Bob Evans made the best pancakes.  Plus they’re close to my house.  Less gas money.  I went for breakfast last week while Devoted Spouse was out doing his church gig.  I ordered blueberry pancakes, my personal fav.  I got about halfway through and realized these pancakes were getting soggier and soggier and it wasn’t the syrup.  I was putting batter on my fork.  Ack.  No thanks.  Yes, got a refund.  Politely declined offer of more pancakes.

Speaking of barbecue…well sort of.  Went to a local barbecue restaurant and ordered Texas brisket.  Having not eaten brisket, Texas or otherwise, I was quite excited to see what it was all about.  Imagine my disgust when a plate was put in front of me swimming in grease with overdone meat covered with fat.  It was nasty.  I didn’t eat it.  I was surprised anyone would serve that.  When the waitress asked me about it, I explained that I didn’t favor a meal that is swimming on my plate.  She apologized all over me, offered to replace it (I had lost my appetite by then), and left to get a refill on my unsweetened iced tea.  The tea arrived and it was sweetened.  The waitress disappeared.  Devoted Spouse contentedly munched his pulled pork sandwich.  The owner came over, apologizing repeatedly and backpedaling on why I was given such a nasty piece of meat.  Turns out I received the “end” and nobody thought to actually look at the plate and see what they were serving to a customer.  He offered a better piece of brisket.  I declined.  He offered a pound of pulled pork for me to take home.  I declined.  He offered me a free beverage.  I not only declined, but let him know the one I had was not what I ordered.  He comped the check.  That’s what he should have done to begin with.  Devoted Spouse went home with a happy tummy.  I stopped for ice cream…sigh…

Stop the Year and Let Me Catch Up

Welcome to the New Year.  I  am a few weeks into the old year still.  My short term memory hasn’t caught up to my long term memory and my short term memory, frankly, is falling down on the job.

EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, gets a monthly pill for heartworm and flea control.  She should have taken them the first of January; I remembered them this morning, the 5th, 6th of January.  Wait…what day is this again?  Ack.

I’m working on a project that should have been finished at least one to two weeks ago to give me adequate time to prepare for the next phase.  Oh yeah, I haven’t started it yet.  I have a new solitaire game on my computer and it keeps calling my name.

Never did get those awful dents on my relatively new car pounded out…you know, the ones caused by that freak hail storm, oh, I dunno, how many months ago (?) There’s  a voicemail on my phone from the lady at the auto body shop.  I should probably do something about that.   Need to get rid of that phone…

Lest you think it’s just me, allow me to relay what happened to Devoted Spouse the other day…  We have been attending the same church for almost  7 years now.  We go to the same service regularly, always arriving a few minutes early to grab some coffee and chat w/friends.  Devoted Spouse is going to be volunteering his time at the computer check-in station for a specific upcoming event and needs to be trained.  In emails with one of our pastors, he agreed to arrive at church a little earlier and get some valuable OJT.  He told the pastor he would be there at 9:30 prior to the 10:00 service.  The problem is this church HAS no 10:00 service at our location.  He knew this and yet that’s what he emailed.  Now our pastor thinks Devoted Spouse is certifiable.  I felt better, though.  It’s not just me.

I want to speak with whoever is in charge of time and ask them kindly to hold things for a few weeks until I can catch up.  Then there’s that issue of starting fresh I need to contend with.  Maybe after the New Year…sigh…

Time for a Pet Peeve Rant

EmmaLou could technically be a "pet" peeve

I’m in the mood to discuss pet peeves.  Why are they called “pet” anyway?  Animals have nothing to do with complaining about something that irks you.  Unless that animal is EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer and she’s chewed something again.  That could actually qualify as a pet peeve.

I’ve been thinking about things that irk me.  Most of these could so easily be fixed if people would just stop and think about what they’re doing once in awhile.  Here’s my latest list.

Top Ten Pet Peeves  (in no particular order)

1. House repairs that start small and end up costing you an arm and a leg.  See below for my latest home catastrophe.  And, no, that’s not Devoted Spouse, that’s Construction Repair Dude.  I only wish Devoted Spouse could repair this.

The Money Pit

2.  Drivers who simply refuse to use their turn signals.  Worse yet are those who use them but turn the other direction.  Yikes!  I think there auto (sorry)  be a way that car manufacturers can program into the vehicle a special kill switch. I’ll call it the Boppo switch.  Here’s how it works:  You make a right or left turn without using a turn signal and a gloved hand comes out of the dashboard and smacks the crap outta you.  No, wait, that could cause an accident.  I’ll work on this one later.  Just please start using your turn signals.

3.  People who yell at or make rude gestures toward road construction crews.  Am I the only person in the world who actually waves and says thank you to these guys?  The other day I was on an outreach with church and we gave away dozens and dozens of Krispy Kreme donuts to construction guys.  These guys were simply flabbergasted that we would do that for them.  One looked at me and said, “Nobody likes us.”  I think that’s sad.  I challenge each and every one of you to be kinder to road construction crews.  I know, I know, it often seems as if they are standing around doing nothing.  But there is a great amount of the time they are working very hard for us – so go do something nice for them.  Or, at least stop with the rude gestures.

4.  Sweaty gym equipment.  ‘Nuff said.

5.  Older men who wear baggy shorts, then sit in front of you and their shorts are gaping at the leg  — ick  —   Stop.It.Now.

6.  Salesmen who sell you something you truly don’t need and definitely can’t afford and they take such great pleasure in it.  I’m not even going into detail here coz I got sweet-talked recently.  (hangs head) (This is where Sheldon would say, “Bazinga!”)

7.  Drivers who consistently drive 5 miles below the speed limit.  They are always in front of me.  I think this is a special delivery from God straight to me as a test of my vocabulary.

8.  People who leave their dogs in a car/truck/SUV on a summer day when it’s 85 degrees outside and the sun is shining.  Oh, they crack the window, but the poor animal suffers in well over 100 degree heat inside that vehicle!  I’ve seen this happen at church and out at shopping centers or grocery stores.  Why, I ask you, must a pet accompany you to church??!!  I’m assuming you have a temperature controlled environment where you live.  LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME!  That’s why God made large crates and kennels.  You can find them at any pet store.  They’re not that expensive — we have one for EmmaLou.  I have been known to be quite insane over this issue, going so far as to call police.

9.  Nail polish that chips the third day of your vacation.

10.  Discovering mold way deep inside the box of blueberries after you’ve already brought them all the way home from the grocery.  Grrrr.

Okay, that’s enough pet peeves for one posting.  I need to go to the store to return blueberries and pick up a lottery ticket which hopefully will win and I can pay for the house re-construction…sigh…

Wandering on a Tuesday Morn

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I’m not usually at a loss for words.  In fact, it happens rarely.  Today, I am at a loss for a cohesive posting – I don’t have one topic I feel the urge to discuss, or one story I feel compelled to share.  Instead, I’m simply gonna let myself wander.

A company spends mega dollars for marketing campaigns to produce  tv commercials which will air when I’m watching my favorite program.  They get my attention by using their own children as the actors in the commercial. I find it disturbing when small children who can hardly form syllables on their own, let alone have any concept of advertising,  tell me why their dad’s heating company is the best, or why their dad’s law firm should be the one I choose, and especially I don’t like little kids trying to sell me cars.  I imagine some folks find it charming and cute.  I don’t.

Stomping on the gas to run a yellow light so you can get to the next light faster even though it has already turned red is plain stupid.  I witnessed this behavior on Monday as I stopped at the first yellow light.  When it turned green, I casually caught up to the person at the next red light which was just about to turn green, looked over and gave him a big smile.  We both knew I was the one using my gasoline wisely and he hadn’t gotten any farther than I by pressing the accelerator to the floor to miss that yellow light.  At least I think he knew that.  There’s a chance he didn’t get it at all.

My dog is smarter than I give her credit for.  The other evening I had taco chips she wanted.  I wouldn’t part with any and so ignored her.   EmmaLou walked into another room, picked up two toys, brought them both back in her mouth and dropped them in my lap.  Then she looked from the toys to the chips.  I call that bartering.

There is a direct correlation between when I want quiet time and when my neighbor decides to add a room to his house.

The difference between the calorie-laden, fat-full dish of vanilla ice cream and the low-calorie, low-carb dish of vanilla ice cream is that the first will contribute to weight gain while the latter will result in gastrointestinal distress.  Some days it’s a toss-up whether I care that no one of the human species will be inclined to stand next to me in a matter of hours, or whether I want my jeans to button.

I’ll leave you to your own ramblings now while I meander on out of here…sigh

If I’m Cranky, Just Blame the Local News Station

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Another dreary gloomy rainy cold day.  Blechhhh.  I whip up a pot of not-so-homemade (translate: out of a box) potato soup for dinner.  As I’m ladling out the bowls and finding some bread, Devoted Spouse heads to the kitchen table with the tv remote in hand.  Oh joy…our dinner entertainment once again is the local news.

Now, I’m not putting down local news.  These folks do a great job of telling me what is happening in my neighborhood or surrounding areas.  They alert me to traffic tie-ups, abandoned house fires, and police raids at downtown bars complete with the picture of Bubba with the coat over his head.  Then there is the weather.  Watching the weather report while I eat usually gives me heartburn, and not always due to the weather (pretentious weatherman slap slap).

Hence, we’re eating our soup and watching a different channel’s local newscast so I don’t have to tolerate ‘pretentious weatherman’. This poor channel is at the bottom of the barrel ratings-wise.  They don’t have the most up-to-date Doppler radar. I think they have a guy in the back who looks out the window to check the weather then alerts the weatherperson via walkie talkie.  Nor do they have a fancy set with cute backdrops or nifty monitors.  But they do feature something unique. 

About midway through the broadcast is a segment where a young man ever-so-patiently explains in excruciating mind-numbing detail not only what is on their website but how to navigate said website and what stories to click on when you get there.  I used to be extremely annoyed when a news anchor would scream at me, “You heard it here first!”  That was nothing compared to being walked through the website.  It reminded me of the Friends episode where Joey actually climbs into his pop-up map of London — it’s that pitiful.  Adding insult to injury, one topic is chosen for which the station has requested viewers’ comments and the detailed explanation of how to find that question is topped only by the agonizing  (oh yes he does) READING of the answers outloud as the “mouse” clicks over them.  Contrary to popular belief, most of us who watch the news can read by ourselves.  By that point in the broadcast, I was seriously considering jabbing my dinner knife deep into my ear canal just to make him stop. The mute button still didn’t mute him enough.  I would have driven my foot through the television but the kitchen table was too far away. I began foaming at the mouth and told Devoted Spouse it was just a little soup I had dribbled.

The ‘pretentious weatherman’ on the other channel is looking better…sigh…

A Case of the Winter Doldrums…or Gray is So Not My Color

Sigh…I have a terminal case of the winter doldrums.  The sky is gray and gray is not one of my favorite colors.  The outside of my house was gray and I had it repainted – well it’s 3/4 repainted, but that’s another story.

The picture above is taken from my back door and shows just how gray and icky it is.  No sunshine whatsoever.  Blah.   The wind is fierce.  I have the thermostat turned up to 70 and I’m wearing several layers.

I knew I was in trouble when I signed in to my FaceBook page and the first thing I saw was a note from my Pastor about his current vacation on the Outer Banks.   He’s excited about finding beach glass.  I found a dirty juice glass.  I’m not excited.

I leave FaceBook and go on Twitter to get a shot of fun and what do I get?  A link from my buddy Virgil with info about nice, sunny, warm Savannah.  Like the fool I am, I opened the link and my Doldrums suddenly got Doldrums of their own.

I read the article outloud to EmmaLou (I know, reading outloud to your dog is a definite sign you are in trouble)…and she perked up when I got to the part about Savannah having water fountains just for dogs.  She barked and ran to get her portable doggie food/water dishes so I could pack them in the car.  She’s doing the road trip dance.  Flick. (aimed at her forehead…)

My SmartPhone is telling me that the current weather in my area is light snow and it’s 22 degrees.  Had to download that app, didn’t I?  Stupid AccuWeather.   Oh great it just changed; now it’s cloudy.  Crap on toast I can look out the window and see that for myself (turns off SmartPhone).

At least I have chocolate in the house.  Otherwise I might be a goner…

Wake me when it’s Spring please.