Just Pee in the Cup Already!

Sweet EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer has had some health issues of late.  The most annoying one (for all of us) is a stomach problem — she has issues with digesting her food and she burps louder and longer than a longshoreman.  Poor Em!

She willingly went to the vet’s because she likes it there.  I don’t like it at my doctor’s office, but I’m not a dog.  Anyway, the vet is aware of the issue; Em’s been on meds prior to this visit.  But, the problem returns.  He suggests obtaining a blood sample, giving her her annual shots (which were due), refilling her heartworm and flea prevention meds, and oh, here’s a plastic tray…please get a sample of her urine.

Excuse me?

This morning bright (well, actually it was dark) and early, the whole family goes out to the backyard to obtain a pee sample from EmmaLou.  I was on leash and flashlight duty; Devoted Spouse had the little (and I do mean little) plastic tray at the ready.  Em sniffs around, squats down, I yell at Devoted Spouse, “NOW!”, he slides the tray under her and EmmaLou jumps straight up in the air taking her precious pee with her.

Take Two:  “C’mon sweetie puppy girl…pee in the cup.”  Yes, dogs can get a hateful look on their faces.  Finally she squatted again and we repeated the above exercise.  It didn’t work the second time, either.

Devoted Spouse took EmmaLou out on her morning walk, where she peed like someone who’s had their bladder stopped up for a month.  Peed all up and down the street.  Did we get a sample?  No…forgot the tray.

While running errands, I stopped in the vet’s office.  They laughed and laughed but finally agreed I could bring her up late in the day and THEY would try the little plastic tray trick.

EmmaLou and I, meanwhile, have decided we should never speak of this barbaric intrusion into her personal life again.  Sigh…


Sure, Jesus Had a Pet

DISCLAIMER:  The following may be offensive to some – no disrespect is intended.  This is just a blog, don’t get riled up about it.

I know…I tell you I’m back and then I disappear again.  This seems to be the year of the ADD blogger.  Not that I haven’t been busy with other projects, mind you.

I’m on a quest to understand my religion (Christianity).  Sometimes it’s good to shake things up a bit.  That’s when insights occur, at least in my life.  So, I’ve been studying the life of Jesus in a feeble attempt to know Him better.  Churches spend a lot of time on what we should do and hammer into us that Jesus was the Son of God, human and divine.  He had a soft spot in his heart for the poor and oppressed, the widows, children, etc.  We’ve all heard it over and over.  We have artistic renderings of a fairly white man with longish hair and a scruffy beard, wearing robes and sandals.  He’s always very clean. The pictures don’t look much like a middle eastern man, but what do I know about art?

I have my own picture and I don’t mean to be sacrilegious here or disrespectful in any way.  I’m just trying to get my head around what Yeshua (Jesus) was like.  There are few, if any, records of his childhood up until about 12 or so.  And then we have the story of Jesus being lost from his folks and turning up in a temple discussing life with the Rabbis.  Okay.  I know when I was 12 I was still playing with dolls, but then, I wasn’t divine either.  Oh, I had a tiara, but, oh nevermind.

After much reading on first century second Temple Jews, their culture and life, I’ve come to some conclusions myself on Jesus’ early years.  I think he was like any other kid who just wandered around in the village or community hanging out with his buds.  He probably got dirty playing some type of stick ball and Mary would yell at Him to get back into the house and wash up for supper. I wondered if she used the phrase, “Oh for Heaven’s sake, Jesus!”  Probably not.  I imagine Him with a squeaky voice prior to puberty and then that silly little wispy mustache that guys are so proud of as they mature.  We know He had lots of facial hair…it’s in all the pictures shown in Sunday School.

The bible never talks about pets.  That bothers me somewhat.  These people worked hard; they had no tv or video games for entertainment.  Oh, once a month or so the Romans might toss somebody in a lion pit and everyone would cheer, eat hot dogs and then go home.  But daily entertainment was slim.  I think they had to have had a pet or two along the way.  Maybe some families had a fish, maybe an Egyptian family transferring in brought a cat with them.  Why not have some dogs running around?

I’m thinking even Jesus as a kid had a dog of his own.  There just aren’t any stories in the bible about a boy and his dog.  I think the church fathers got together as they were discussing canon and said, “Absolutely not!  No stories about Jesus’ dog – it makes Him too human.”  The true story is they were afraid people wouldn’t understand or maybe get some of the stories twisted.  You see, Jesus did have a dog, a nasty cur He named Demon.  Demon had a bladder issue and frequently other families in the village (remember they didn’t have glass windows in their homes) would hear Jesus trying to deal with his dog’s problem by yelling “OUT, Demon, OUT!”  You know how stories are passed down through the generations.

Or maybe not…sigh…

How to Have Fun While Your Dog is Wearing the Cone of Shame or Teasing EmmaLou 101

Yes, sweet little EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, is wearing The Cone of Shame once again due to a slight ‘ouchie’ on her muzzle that needs to heal.  I’ve made up some things to do to pass the time while she is in this contraption.  These are games she and I can play (well, sort of) that will keep her occupied and me in hysterics (I know…this is going to come back to haunt me some day).

For example, EmmaLou loves to play with her toys.  Fetch is especially fun while she’s wearing the Cone. It works like this… I pick up one of her toys.  EmmaLou races over to me.  I throw the toy behind her.  She spins around and smacks whatever piece of furniture is there with her Cone.  I fall on floor in hysterics.  She manages to get to the toy, bends down, puts the Cone over it like a giant Hoover and scarfs it up.  I laugh harder.  Then we repeat.

Another fun game takes place at the kitchen table.  EmmaLou loves to join Devoted Spouse and me for a meal.  We eat and she sits there and looks particularly pathetic in hopes we will toss a morsel her way.  Wearing the Cone makes meal time so much more fun.  EmmaLou will place herself between my chair and Devoted Spouse’s (note this is a round table).  While she’s looking toward Devoted Spouse, I’ll quietly reach around her and tap on her Cone.  She flips her head around and looks for what touched her Cone.  I shoot milk out of my nose and fall into fits of manic laughter.  Again, repeat as necessary.

Here’s a great one that anyone can play.  While EmmaLou is on the couch, reach inside the cone and tickle her ear.  Then sit back and prepare to be highly amused as she tries in vain to scratch the ear and ends up only scratching the Cone.   A fun time for all!

I have more, but you get the idea.  EmmaLou chewed one of my books the other day.  Can’t imagine why…sigh…

Whaddya Mean She’s Still Kickin’?

Hi gang – Cronie here.  Just wanted to tell you I’m alive and kickin’.  I’m still plodding along making the same ridiculous blunders I always have and creating havoc and chaos wherever I go.  People still laugh at my antics whether I’m trying to be funny or not – I can’t help it – I seem to create a cocoon of laughter around me all the time.  What’s really new is my other blog – it’s actually EmmaLou’s blog – she does all the “thinking up” and she does all the typing with her big clumsy paws.  Are ya buyin’ that?  Yeah I thought you would, coz y’all know how smart EmmaLou is.  Come visit the Golden Destroyer and catch up on our lives w/me and Devoted Spouse too.  Her blog is called The Tao of EmmaLou Golden Destroyer and you can find it here — and yes…I’m thinking of seriously re-activating this blog too so stay tuned you just never know what I’m gonna do next….I so wanted to bring this out of retirement during the recent WienerGate but I held off coz there was so much Wienerdom already out there….but it was hard.  Oh wait…no never mind.  Go see EmmaLou  LOL  xoxo

It’s a Good Thing She Couldn’t Find the Shaving Cream…

This is the story of what can happen when you don’t pay attention; when you are busy with buying a car; when you dash out of the house leaving the dog with access to the bathroom; the same bathroom where you have left a used 3-bladed razor without the top on it laying on top of the bathtup within her reach….and it’s bright yellow and sure to capture her attention.  This is the story of how the stupid redheaded-stepchild came home with a new car and saw something relatively shiny at the top of the stairs, turned on the light and discovered a chewed-up razor only to turn around and fly down the stairs missing several at a time in search of a dog who was certainly slashed from here to kingdom come.  This is what I found on the stairs:

Thankfully, she tore it apart, and chewed the plastic casing on the bottom of the blades and she did it with the blades facing in such a way that they didn’t slice her precious mouth to bits.  It was a horrible few moments as I ran to find her fully expecting her to have a mouth full of blood — we had been out of the house for 4 hours.  What I found was a perfectly fine happy dog with two rubber toys stuffed in her mouth and her tail wagging in anticipation of my return.  I grabbed that dog and inspected her from head to tail – and not a scratch on her.  Thank you Lord.  Let this be a lesson to all pet owners — they are just as sneaky as toddlers; will grab anything and put it in their mouths.  It never dawned on me she would snag my razor off the bathtub.  Holey moley – EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, strikes again and she is gonna be the death of me yet…sigh…

Who Needs Towels…or Shake Shake Shake That Booty Dry!


pic attibuted to John Heller/Pittsburgh Post Gazette

I’ve been studying EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, for almost 7 years now and if I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that this 75 pound dog can shake off enough water after a bath that you could fill a swimming pool.  Not only that, it’s the amazing rotating motion from her head to her tail that totally fascinates me — so much so I never get a towel over her before she soaks the entire bathroom (and me) as I’m so busy watching the show.

I read an article the other day and there is quite a science behind this water-logged-doggie-spraying.  It’s called wet dog shake physics. No, I’m not making this up – they’ve really studied it. In fact, dogs are so efficient at de-watering themselves, the folks who make washing machines are studying them.  Really.  A washing machine that could get your clothes wrung out enough that you don’t have to toss such heavy wet laundry into the dryer — I’m liking this science stuff.

I did my own study of EmmaLou and the wet dog  shake physics.  I got out of the shower the other day and I started at the top of my head and I whipped my head around shaking all my very long hair and then I tried to get the shake part to naturally follow through the rest of my torso. I ended up twisting too far and hurt the dickens out of my neck and I liked to never get my legs pointed in the right direction again. Oh, I tried to turn my head a full 180 like EmmaLou can when she shakes, but all I got was shades of The Exorcist and a tremendous headache.   And I was still wet. 

Turns out…on top of the amazing ability to turn their heads 180 degrees, dogs also have lots of loose skin which increases the amount of water they shed. Now I know I’ve lost alot of weight…but my skin just isn’t loose enough to flop around and shed water.  It only jiggles if I do my “bat-wing” impression, but that’s another story.   

This experiment did nothing but make me dizzy and EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, was on the bathroom floor with her back paws crossed trying hard not to pee she was laughing so hard.  Dumb dog and her bright ideas anyway.  Shake the water off. 

Here’s a very cool video from the Time Warp people and it explains the science behind the dog shaking in detail and slow motion -it’s about 5 minutes long but well worth it.  Trust me, though, DON’T try this at home – it really hurts and you’re still wet!  And here’s a tip from a vet for you — after you wash and rinse your dog, quickly grab their muzzle and hold on until you can towel them off — holding the muzzle keeps the dog from shaking because the shake starts at the head.  Cool, huh?  If I grabbed EmmaLou’s muzzle I’d probably pull back a bloody stump…so I’ll just stick to having lots of towels on hand come bath time…sigh

Lethal Weapon 5…or Step Away From the Cone


All I wanted to do was have a few days of peace and quiet — a long weekend away with the hubs somewhere.  So I made arrangements for someone to take care of the house and sent EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer to her “estate” home-away-from-home.

Imagine my surprise when I picked her up at the kennels we’ve used for 6 years to find she’s injured and limping and the kennel wasn’t concerned (that’s another story).  Let’s concentrate on EmmaLou for this posting.  Why you ask?  Because the poor thing had to go to the vet to have her injury treated (lacerated paw) and came home wearing the Cone of Shame.  Yes…the Cone of Shame.  Let’s sprinkle this post with a few pics along the way, shall we?

EmmaLou arrives home w/paw bandaged & wrapped in plastic & wearing Cone of Shame

Was EmmaLou irritated?  You bet your life she was — this is the dog who flat out refuses to let her groomer put bows or a bandana on her and now she’s wrapped in this dorky bandage (note pic below), is wearing a lampshade on her head and there’s no beer to go along with the lampshade!

"No chew" like she can read instructions duh

 I gave the Cone of Shame about an hour before she chewed it off (we’ve been down this road before).  But this time was different — the vet gave her pain pills and I immediately fed her one when she arrived home — oh yeah…she zoned out.

Lovin' the pain pills!

Unfortunately it didn’t last long and she was up and trying hard to navigate around the house with this gawdawful lampshade on her head.  I was reminded of pictures of huge cars from the 1950s with these strange things sticking out of their wheels — I think they were called “bumper feelers” and helped the driver know when the car was at the curb — EmmaLou needed Bumper Feelers for the lampshade.  She tried in vain to play with a toy and managed to get it into the lampshade but wasn’t having much fun.

Trying to play w/Rocky Racoon but Lampshade in way

She finally settled into  a prone position with one of her rubber bones in the Cone with her for company.  LOL

EmmaLou manages to get the bone to fit inside the Cone of Shame

Shortly she bumped her way into the coffee table and managed to climb up onto the family room sofa where she hung out until supper time.  We tried not to laugh, but it was hysterical watching her miscalculate where the furniture was versus where her Cone was.  Poor girl.  She will repay me for the laughter.

Made it to the couch...now get this thing off me!!

 Toward the end of the evening EmmaLou knew it was time for bed but I didn’t want her to be on pain meds and fall out of our bed (it’s antique and high up off the floor) so I planned on sleeping on the couch and keeping her downstairs with me.  She wasn’t interested in that idea — she waited for me at the top of the stairs

I'm up here Mom!

Being the smart cookie I am….I hid another pill in some cheese and we settled down for the evening.

Wow these pills are gooooood stuff!

The good news is she should be fine in a couple of days…the bad news is as long as she’s on pain pills one of us has to babysit her at all times so she doesn’t run into something.  Heaven knows she’s run into us enough and that stupid Cone hurts when it hits bare shins!!  OW.  I may need my own bandage soon.  But I’m not wearin’ the lampshade without at least one Margarita first!

All I wanted was a quiet weekend…sigh…