New Olympic Sport Being Considered

Y’all ‘member EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer?  The 75 lb bane of my existence?  At 7 1/2 years old, she’s rapidly approaching doggie dotage.  Unfortunately, she has acquired a new habit; one that I’m finding difficult to live with, and that’s putting it mildly.

EmmaLou had decided our house is now her bathroom.  Oh, she still goes outside and sniffs every blade of grass and she may occasionally make a deposit somewhere in the yard.  More often than not, I am awakened to the wafting aroma of … well… you know what comes out of a dog.  Let’s just say, I would rather be awakened by practice time from the marching band of the worst high school in Lower Slobovia than this.

The other day I had a new experience.  While working in my home office I was alerted to the sight of EmmaLou in the hallway.  She roamed around in circles and that emergency klaxon in the far recesses of my brain started going off.  This dog was about to make a deposit on my light-colored hallway carpet and I was a goodly distance away from her.  As she began to squat and get that glazed look in her eyes, I flew out of my ergonomic chair and sprinted for the hall bathroom all the while screaming at the top of my lungs, “Emma Nooooooooooooooooooo!”  D’ya think that stopped her from her mission?

Amazingly enough, I gathered gobs of tp and managed to “catch the first baby”, quickly turn around and sprint to the toilet and deposit it, grab another wad of tp and repeat the process.  Thinking I had finished handling (sorry) this disaster, I slowed my progress.  And that’s when it happened.  Everything she had been saving arrived and descended in slow motion onto my carpet.  I stood there in horror wondering if my dog had, in fact, been the result of a breeding experiment gone horribly wrong – a Golden Retriever and a hippopotamus perhaps.  I didn’t have enough tp left in the bathroom for this.

About that time, Devoted Spouse was running up the stairs with a large roll of paper towels and the ever-present gallon-sized bottle of Resolve.  As he hit the second to last stairstep I had acquired a large handful of Kleenex and managed to scoop what was left, once more wasting gallons and gallons of precious water flushing.

I lost count of how many times I hit that toilet handle and ran back to the hallway.  I imagine that day all the meters on the utility company Plasma Screens of Flushing were in the red zone.  EmmaLou was so proud of herself.  If I could expel what she did in those copious amounts; well let’s just put it this way: I’d probably now be a size 2….sigh…


4 thoughts on “New Olympic Sport Being Considered

  1. Inquiring minds want to know:

    1) Does coffee enhance your mental attitude during an event?
    2) Do you feel more in control of your life before or after you take the performance-enhancing drug?
    3) Do you feel you will perform better in future events if you drink from a bigger mug?
    crap I keep forgetting which blog I’m answering….so the answer to your questions are…what I truly need is a glass of wine to deal with this stoopid dog thing. ROFL take me away….

  2. I am thinking that maybe she needs doggie diapers but I think she will just chew them off. Would it help to have doggie pads on the spots that she seems to favor. When Scotty got older and started using the carpet as his potty, someone had told us to use salt to soak the moisture up, and someone else had told us to use baking soda to get rid of the smells. So we used both. We would then wait for the mixture to dry and then vacuum it up. It did take the moisture and smell away. But I am not sure I would recommend using either one because as we replaced the carpet we discovered that most of the baking soda and salt had worked its way to under the padding. Although we have discovered that the Dyson Vacuum that we bought does seem to suck some of it, at least better than any other vacuum has ever done. But I guess since I discovered I was allergic to dogs, I will never have to worry about a dog doing that in my house. And if the cats ever start doing that then they will be spending all their time outside. I am thinking that fish are about the best pet to have. Well at least the ones in my iPhone app. If I forget to feed them and they die then I just had some food and they are reborn. No mess, no fuss, all the sounds but none of the cleaning needed. But I guess that keeping the dogs in the backyard is working out okay. Hubby gets his dogs, they stay out of the house and I can pet them as long as I wash my hands within a few minutes. All I can say is that it truly is hard to be allergic to dogs, but I guess breathing is more important. But I do sometimes wonder if my wheezing problems from this last year is possibly caused from the dogs, if hubby brings some dander into the house on his clothes. I think when these dogs are gone then that is it for good. Yeah breathing is more important.

    I do wonder if there is any meds available to help EmmaLou to control her bladder. Maybe the only choice is doggie pads. But she is worth more than any carpet which can be replaced. Maybe she is getting senile and thinks she is actually outside. Poor baby. Give her a big doggie smoochie from me.

    God bless.
    I think she’s off her schedule for some reason – she looks at the door and we don’t always pay attention – if she’d bark I’d know she has to go out but she just stands there like I’m supposed to read her mind. duh. not working. So far a combination of Resolve and the powdered Oxi-Clean seem to be working well – it’s mostly old carpet and has to be replaced anyway.

  3. I’m sorry, I would have written earlier but I had to stop laughing first. I know it’s really not funny, but your writing created a visual that made me laugh out loud.
    Poor you and poor EmmaLou. Here is what our vet recommended when our old retriever started doing that. Take her outside every hour (at least). Reward her with a treat if she does her business. Sound familar? Yes, it’s just like house-training. Apparently when dogs get older they forget they’re supposed to go outside. But…..wait for it……you can teach a dog new tricks. It worked for us. Now if I could just get it to work on my devoted spouse…..
    good grief I replied to all comments as EmmaLou – it’s hard to keep switching between her blog and mine – I’m getting too old for this – so is she – aha! therein lies the problem. Now the day Devoted Spouse starts hitting the carpet is the day the dog and I load him up in the car and drop him off in front of the VA Center w/a note pinned to his shirt. ROFL xo

  4. Oh I don’t know who to feel sorry for – you or EmmaLou…After laughing my tushie off, I’m thinking mushy-ly (ieeeuuu, not THAT kind) and thinking about how much EmmaLou trusts you guys enough to not only go in the house but go in the house while you’re screaming! I hope you figure out what’s the matter and get it fixed. Maybe she’s just going into that older version of the terrible 2’s…
    I just hope it doesn’t keep happening coz it’s sooooo not fun trust me – a 75 lb dog can muster up a lot of poop! lol ugh

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