Survival 101

pic courtesy of loneeagleoutdoors.com

It had been a long day and I was tired.  All I truly wished for was a hot cup of tea and a good book while curled up in my comfy chair; something to soothe my nerves and warm my cold bones.  And then I heard the phrase, “blood sponge.”

Devoted Spouse fancies himself something of a survivalist.  He sits for hours on end viewing tutorials on his laptop on the Art of Survival.  In our garage we have 27,000 bottles of what once were Welch’s Diet Cranberry-Grape Juice but now hold emergency drinking water.  And, yes, he rotates the bottles on a regular basis to ensure the water is still safe for drinking.  Safety first.

We are ready for the Apocalypse at our house.

I simply wanted to read quietly and contemplate.  But no, I had to listen to a man explaining what does and does not constitute an emergency pack and repeatedly use the phrase “blood sponge.”  I cringe at the idea that there exists out there in the cosmos something called a “blood sponge.”  I simply shudder at the thought. However, Devoted Spouse is convinced it could one day save our very lives.

Looking at my Discover Card bill, I realize there is a very good chance that this household will soon be in possession of the above-mentioned “blood sponge.”  One can only imagine what else is winging its way toward me from the Acme Survival Warehouse and Food-Dehydrating Emporium.

Over the years of living with this man I have learned to expect that the garage will hold strange things — pieces of equipment I cannot identify but which one day will save my life if I’m ever in minus 50 degree weather on the side of a mountain and my sherpa has an aneurysm.  Should I be in the desert and not be able to find drinkable water, I know that my Devoted Spouse will be able to pull something wonderful out of his survival backpack to quench my thirst while setting the broken leg I got as I bravely tried to run out of the path of a marauding tarantula.

Yes, I know my Devoted Spouse could make any type of shelter necessary; with his 3 million different varieties of survival knives, serrated-edge or otherwise.  He can make fire; I’ll never be cold again. He has backpack after backpack filled with emergency medical kits, food in tinfoil packets, and millions of feet of  parachute cording.  He has fashioned survival dishes out of tins cans once holding peanuts.  Yes, my man has the tools and the knowledge derived from many hours spent online, reading survivalist books, and attending conferences and it is comforting to realize that when the Zombies arrive at our door, we have enough ammunition to fend them off.

Most folks dream of retiring in style in a nice warm climate; perhaps Florida close to the seashore.  Devoted Spouse dreams of owning acres out west with razor wire surrounding the compound.  There goes my condo.  But, we will be safe and prepared for any emergency that should arrise.  He has the tools.  He has the knowledge.  He has the autographed books by Dave Canterbury and Cody Lundin  (Google them).  He can hand-drill fire or use a slingshot to take down big game.  I’m confident, should I ever find myself in some outback wasteland and fall into any precarious position whatsoever, Devoted Spouse will have something on him that will once again restore me to safety.

But, really, all I wanted was a hot cup of tea and a good book while curled up in my comfy chair.  “Blood sponges” were never meant to be a part of my day…sigh…

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8 thoughts on “Survival 101

  1. Does he carry a portable hair dryer and flat iron? I must be prepared for The Battle of The Jersey Hair Look!
    I imagine using a flat rock and some flint he could fix you right up sweetie – the man is amazing. I’m simply planning on spending the Apocalypse in the local Holiday Inn…. snort

  2. LOL! I will have to write about my adventures with my darling hubby. Yours prepares you for whatever eventuality you may have, mine moves all my outlets and put doors in the wall, and we have fort knox for an alarm system, so no one will steal our cats, or the 53 inch tv that is bolted to the wall 😉
    Oh honey…don’t even get me started on the Fort Knox aspect – I could write a book…. ROFL

  3. Hey, I learned two useful survival skills in the Navy that should serve me well, just in case. The first is how to construct a tepee made from a parachute in cast I have to bail out of a Boeing 737/747/7XX and land in the forest where I can readily find branches to support the tepee.

    The second is how to build an igloo should I ever get separated from Sarah Palen while hunting moose in the Alaska tundra.

    BTW, do you know what they use to get the blocks to stick together? . . . . Ig-glue.
    Hi Steve – I’m so impressed by your survival skills nyuk nyuk nyuk… ig-glue. snort 😉 you’re a funny guy!

  4. OK. I confess. I’m confused. Really confused. I hate it when the urban dictionary entry comes up first on google – I usually learn something I don’t want to know. And so it was….

    I presume your beloved’s talking medical equipment. But… well… Keep an eye on those garage shelves
    LOL – ewww – yes, he’s learning about survival and what to do if you are in a medical emergency – the blood sponge is something like a bandage I think — I don’t pay attention to it but he had the video on so loud I couldn’t help but overhear it. Ick. LOL Garage shelves filling up. Ack. If anything should happen…just come to my house – we can provide for the world I think… rofl 😉

  5. Whoa! Maybe we should make some kind of pact…..mine knows how to catch, skin, clean and cook any kind of animal, reptile or bird. We would be safe, healthy and well fed. 😉
    Let’s arrange for a meeting place should said Apocalypse occur.
    Done deal girlfriend!! 😉

  6. Should the Zombies arrive, Jonathan Maberry told me to aim for their heads. 😉
    I totally agree with Jonathan. Fortunately we’re ready for them here. Plus we have blood sponges. ick LOL

  7. ewww… I don’t like the thought of the blood sponges…

    i couldn’t help but have these two thoughts while reading this…

    1. has he created a survival kit for the afterworld and what is in it?
    2. doe he have tea in vacuum sealed containers for your needs – readily available to grab if you are evacuating?
    yeah I’m with ya on the ewww factor. to answer questions: 1. he has survival kits for every possible scenario except afterworld – I plan on tossin in a few MREs and a note to Jesus in Devoted Spouse’s coffin. 2. of course not! only water and the means to boil it – I packed the tea bags in my OWN kit coz I’m smart that way! Don’t tell him, but I have dark chocolate too…. shhhhhh! LOL 😉

  8. “Blood sponge.” That right there is icky sounding item. Eeeeewwww.

    But at least he’ll be prepared. For something that requires a blood sponge.

    Blecccchhh!!
    oh yeah and the bad part was I heard it repeatedly – ick over and over again – it was the longest video in the world and I just sat here in another room wishing I had my ear plugs and too sick to go get them. ugh-squared. Why couldn’t he have used the word “compress” or “bandage”? I would have been okay with that. But no…. ewwww

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