Holiday Cooking Safety Tips…or Danger Will Robinson


My 17 Faithful Readers know I love the helpful articles I find in my local paper.  I particularly enjoy augmenting these articles with my own helpful tips.  You simply cannot be too safe during the holidays.

The article I read suggests first of all that one “never leave hot food or appliances unattended while cooking.”  I agree.  I also suggest:  Never leave a 3-pound piece of freshly cooked meat “resting” on the kitchen counter unattended — particularly if you have pets.  The recipe may say “rest” — but to EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, that screams “treat” – ’nuff said.  As to the appliances…well I guess if you have a Cuisinart Blender set on MegaHigh, that might not be the best time to run to WalMart, especially if you forgot to put the top on before walking away.

Next up:  “Use your stove’s back burner and also turn pot handles away from the stove’s edge.”  Well that’s fine if you only have one pan of food to prepare.  Now here’s my typical scenario:  I have a pot on both the front and back burners.  The pot on the front burner is done…I take it off and move it somewhere else to be dealt with shortly.  Meanwhile I have to stir the pot on the back burner and the front burner is still hot (note “red” light on glass top of burner denotes it’s hot for those who can’t figure that out by themselves)  Wait!! There’s also a very important note in this Article telling me to keep anything that can catch on fire at least 3 feet from the stove.  But I’m wearing my special Thanksgiving robe since it’s 7 o’clock in the flippin morning when Gigantor Turkey must be prepared…and what a time to discover the robe from Sears is, in fact, flammable after all.  Fortunately, the sink is directly behind me and I can whip that flame-laden sleeve into icy cold water in no time while simultaneously stirring whatever is in the other pan left-handed.  Ow.

Here’s another gem:  “Keep appliance cords coiled and away from the counter edges and out of reach of the kids.”  Have they SEEN appliance cords lately?  Lucky if you can find an appliance with a cord on it longer than 3 inches which means the appliance itself must be close to the edge of the counter in order for the cord to reach the outlet (at least on my island counter).   Now if I use an appliance not on my kitchen island, but on my counter next to my sink or refrigerator and I plug in that cord…I can’t open the George Foreman grill without the top of the grill hitting the bottom of the kitchen cupboard above it — nor can I put the top on the blender for the same reason.  Are there actual Kitchen Engineers out there anywhere or is it because all our stuff is now made in China and counters are shorter over there?  

How about this one:  “Use oven mitts or potholders when carrying hot food.”  Crap, so much for that pair of gerbils I just bought and they were on sale, too.

I like this tip:  “Open hot containers from the microwave slowly and away from your face.”  I believe it’s much more exciting to whip off that top right in front of your eyes – and don’t forget to grab the microwaveable container with your two lil hands all the while screaming and doing the ‘danged this is hot” microwave dance through the kitchen. 

Here’s a goodie:  “Create a 3-foot Kid-Free zone around the stove.”   Go ahead…mark off 3 feet and then fling the food at the kid’s high chair.  Sounds like fun.   Better yet, let’s install electric fences Indoors.  Color-Coded Collars for Everyone!!  Interchangeable designs – depending on the season!!   Hi! Welcome to my home; here’s your collar.   Too close to the stove?  ZAP!  That has potential… I need to think on that one some more.

Here’s my fav:  “Never hold a child while cooking, carrying or drinking hot foods or liquids.”  Okay!!  This year try hefting Grandma instead; she’s so old she’ll never feel the burns.  Just make sure you push Grandpa and his walker out of the way first — or see comment above about indoor electric fencing…

Finally the article emphasizes we should “NEVER leave hot foods on the edges of counters and tables.”  Well of course…we all know the edges of counters and tables are for glasses of wine and sharp knives.  Hot food goes on the back burner where you hafta drag your sleeve across the still hot front burner…no, wait, I covered that already.

I’m surprised nobody is concerned with the great chances that Bubba will drop the 25 lb turkey from atop the picnic table into the vat of boiling grease on the back deck thus igniting 4 houses (read: trailers on cement blocks) in the neighborhood in a blazing inferno.   Oh wait…that’s probably because I live in an area of Ohio that’s awfully close to Kentucky and they’re used to that happening…nevermind…sigh…


12 thoughts on “Holiday Cooking Safety Tips…or Danger Will Robinson

  1. Brilliant Tips! LOL. Running to the kitchen with scissors to test the electric fencing!
    Oh No – what if there are Ghosts in the kitchen??? Get the “Ritaberry” working fast!!! ROFLMBO

  2. The tears are running down my face from laughing so hard…where can I get those color-coded collars? I need them to keep people out of my kitchen while I’m cooking!

    Thanks for my morning giggle!


    P.S. I grew up in Central Ohio (have lived in Canada since 1969)…
    I really like the collar idea – I gotta get Devoted Spouse working on it! ROFL I know – what is wrong with me?? I’m like a runaway train sometimes. (giggles) {{{hugs}}}

  3. Safety Tip #1

    Above all else, DO NOT begin reading a single one of the Redheaded Stepchild’s posts with a too-full cup of coffee in one hand while you wait to take a slurp. Just don’t.

    Happy thanksgiving!
    I just love the stuffin’ outta my readers who have the big mugs’o’coffee while perusing my blog nonsense. snort! I find it truly amazing my prattle makes ya’ll laugh. honestly…what if I REALLY tried hard?

  4. See?! This is exactly why I don’t cook! LOL! Have a great and SAFE Holiday!
    What color collar should I order for ya’ll??? ROFL! Happy Turkey Day swee’pea! & a big MWAH to ELPH!

  5. Great post Linda, thanks for the laughs and have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.
    Glad I could bring a smile to your sweet face Jackie – and you have a fabulous Thanksgiving too!

  6. Thanks for all those great tips! Those are things that I would never have thought about in a million years! LOL. Isn’t it sad that people actually write stuff like that? …because they think there is a need for it!
    Exactly!! It’s called common sense and it looks like it went out the window a long time ago!! That’s why I always make such fun of these types of articles — it’s so difficult for me to imagine that there are people who need to be reminded that a stove is HOT. ack save me… 😉

  7. Now this is why we always go to someone else’s house for Thanksgiving and other Holidays. I just never knew about the rules and thus have never learned how to cook properly and so the mishaps always happen.

    Really do like the collar thingy but with me being a Grandma, I do not think that anyone will be able to “heft” me up high enough so that they could stir the pot, well maybe one kind of pot, just saying. But a pot on the stove, well let’s just say we would both be lying on the floor smelling everything burning because we would be laughing so hard, or crying due to the other person being crushed, and having bones broken while I scolded them for trying such a dumbass thing anyway.

    I really like the collar thingy idea, although the ACLU might come knocking on our doors accusing us of enslaving the wee ones and how dare we forbid them their rights of being able to get burned, cut, or crushed by Granny. As soon as DS invents one, “call me”, I need about 12 of them for the Grandkids and one for Hubby.

    Hope you and DS have a great Thanksgiving, and EmmaLou stays out of mischief.

    God bless.

    You always make me laugh with your comments – I really like the collar thing myself – I can see all kinds of applications – I hope you have a fabulous Thanksgiving sweetie – MWAH!

  8. I’m loving that color coded collar idea… hmmm. And yes, we know about letting food REST on the counter. We lost a delicious rack of ribs last summer to Tori Mae.

    Linda, I love visiting here and wish I could be one of your 17 regulars… however, life (and now my 2 jobs) keeps me busier than I want to be in real life. Grrrr.

    BUT yes, I am still making cheesers for those who want them this holiday season. My dogs adore the cheesers. We don’t leave them sitting on the counter. 🙂
    Hi baby – EmmaLou has her order all written down on her Christmas List so you’ll be hearing from us soon!! Happy Turkey Day swee’pea!! MWAH!

  9. Hilarious and exactly why I prefer to cash and carry…hit the drive-thru!
    Hi sweetie – I considered ordering from the local grocery but it was expensive and enough to feed 8 and there’s just Devoted Spouse, me and Golden Destroyer (who could probably eat for 8) – I’m thinking next year we’ll do Chinese take-out instead! 😉

  10. I want one of those collars for DH. It never fails, when I’m busy juggling pots and pans in the kitchen, he just HAS to come in and get in the way under the guise of needing something, which he could’ve managed to get any time BEFORE I began cooking.

    Rule number 10: If a dog or a child is going to get sick or injured it will be on a holiday or weekend.

    Yep, Gavin has a swollen face tonight. (yes, I’ve heard all the ‘how can you tell when a bull terrier has a swollen face’ jokes from DH) I’m betting it’s an abcessed tooth. G had some Amoxicillin the same dosage that the vet will prescribe as he did last time this happened. I’m giving them to him. I’ll call the vet on Friday.
    I want a collar for Devoted Spouse too and the remote to zap him just for the heck of it when I’m feeling evil. (giggling) So sorry about Gavin – poor lil pup! I am still recuperating from the 3-root canal thing w/the abcessed tooth so I know he’s in pain. I hate it when our animals hurt so I’m glad he can get to the vet Fri. Take care sweetie! {{Hugs}}

  11. I’ll take a purple collar for myself – so that I’M the one that can’t get near the stove. Seriously, it’ll be safer for all concerned.

    Better add the toaster oven to the three foot circle though – man those things go up in flames fast!

    Yet another laugh-til-you-choke post to read during my lunch hour – thanks for the embarrassment
    aha! Browsing thru my older posts during lunch time eh? You’re making me work to do replies!! I hafta find these posts — can leave no comment without a reply you know! One purple collar comin’ up – I had fun with this one. LOL

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