I fully realize half our summer is gone but I cannot hold my tongue any longer. Now I’m no fashion maven — I normally leave that to others more savvy than I (think: What Not to Wear). But, ladies, come on — stop with the short shorts after you hit your 40’s please.
While strolling through Le Tarzhay the other day my eyes started burning and I felt stabbing pains sear through my brain as I was faced (literally) with a woman who had the most gawdawful outfit on I have ever seen. I kid you not – this broad had to be in her 50’s, with pancake makeup (and it was a HOT day) all tarted up in one of those tie-around-the-neck and tie-around-the-midriff halter top (I haven’t even SEEN any of those lately) with…wait for it…SEQUINS (shades of infomercial for the machine that will help you put rhinestones and sequins on all your clothing). SEQUINS – the woman was wearing a sequined halter and yes…she had batwing arms just flyin’ around like nobody’s business. What was that sound? Oh yeah…the sound of rubber being laid down on the floor as I screeched the wheels of my cart to a total halt.
But worse still she had on short shorts (Daisy Dukes for cryin out loud) and high heels. I actually stopped (I’m just slightly ashamed of my behavior – just slightly mind you) and stand there in shock. She had obviously dyed (coz it was very dark) black hair and it was long and Farrah Fawcettish.
It occured to me I should get in touch with Gen Petraus because this lady could possibly be our latest weapon. Since the Taliban doesn’t “see” women (hello Burqa?) we could just pitch this broad out in the open. Those rebel nasties would be so shocked to see what a “real” (you can laugh here) woman looks like, they would gladly lay down their weapons and surrender (repeat after me….Shock and Awe).
This poor woman had cellulite growing on her cellulite and those poor thighs were chafing with each step as she sashayed down the aisles (oh yeah, I found her in the makeup section). Bless her little heart I think she actually thought she looked good. I wanted to grab her and drag her to the ladies room and have “the chat.” Then I simply said a little prayer – Lord let this woman have a good day coz I think she needs it.
Please ladies — look in the mirror before you leave the house even if you’re only going to Le Tarzhay – look hard in that mirror. And if the bottom of your drooping butt is visible under those shorts – please do the rest of us a favor and send those shorts directly to Goodwill.
This has been a Public Service Announcement….sigh…