Wait a Minute…I Haven’t Had a Midlife Crisis Yet…I Need Suggestions!

As Devoted Spouse drove away from the house Thursday morning in his little red Miata with the top down it occured to me that I have a dilemma.  That car hit him around midlife – I call it his midlife crisis and I’m sure I have mentioned that while I wasn’t thrilled about the car I was at least thankful that he brought home a red car and not a 25 yr old red HEAD.  His midlife crisis could have been so much more catastrophic so I don’t complain too much about how claustrophobic I feel every time I get in his car…about how the passenger seat hits me wrong and hurts like blazes by pressing on a nerve on the side of my delicate derrierre…or about how I don’t like the top down coz 1) I have long hair and can’t get the tangles combed out or 2) when you stop at a light there is always ONE danged bee and he’s always on MY side of the car or 3) it’s sooooo close to the ground a VW Bug is intimidating when it pulls up next to us or 4) it’s so loud I can’t hear myself think let alone carry on a conversation, or 5) my legs fit in fine but there’s no room for my purse or 6) it’s a stick and I can only drive automatics or 7) did I mention the claustrophobia part?    No…I don’t have too many complaints….

But what about me?  Don’t I get a midlife crisis too?  I’ve hit midlife.  Actually I think I’m a little past — oh no is there an expiration date on Midlife Crisis — puhleeeze tell me I haven’t missed it and I’m too late.  I need a midlife crisis.  I neeeeeed.

But what to do?  I think the cabana boy and the surfer dude are out, (but that IS a nice picture isn’t it?) coz I’m pretty crazy about Devoted Spouse.  (Wait, let’s just put him in a wetsuit….no this is getting dangerously close to TMI)  And if I was brutally and painfully honest about this, I won’t go in the water past my knees anyway…there might be sharks or something.  Plus I have very fair skin and I don’t tan; I burn like a lobster – so maybe running away to be a surfer isn’t the best idea.

Run away to Paris or Rome maybe?  Aw crap on a crutch — I won’t get on an airplane and a boat trip would make me seasick, and I don’t think Greyhound has those destinations on their schedules… Nah, let’s keep thinking.

A hot black sexy sports car of my own?  Nah – see above issues.  This is difficult…

I know — I’ll go and replace Oprah when she retires and I’LL DO the talk show – but I would make it much funnier.  Oh wait…then I’d have to compete with Ellen.  Nah…that won’t work. 

I need an agent and then go into acting – heaven knows I have enough lines on my face that any casting director would grab me for the part of the character actress — the older mom — the other woman?  Nah, I’d burst into giggles.  I’m afraid I’m more Phyllis Diller than Julia Roberts.  Guess I won’t run away to Hollywood.

What can I do?  I need suggestions people and I need them now before I just go and do something totally outrageous which may include Johnny Depp.  Oh wait…that’s what I’m supposed to do isn’t it…nevermind…sigh


13 thoughts on “Wait a Minute…I Haven’t Had a Midlife Crisis Yet…I Need Suggestions!

  1. I keep telling JR that I AM his midlife crisis. You don’t look like you need it but you could always have a little work done. Of the plastic sort.
    ROFL – “you could always have a little work done.” Oh honey if you saw me close up you’d turn around and run screaming. I got more lines than a loser in a leisure suit at a sleezy bar! And I am giving it some consideration. This old neck is beginning to resemble a turkey and the more weight I lose the worse it gets! (wipes tears from laughing so hard) But thanks for the compliment. Hugs!

  2. A motorcycle?
    There is already one sitting in the garage just rotting away. Nah – I’d just manage to fall and break something – you know the klutz I am. LOL

  3. My wife and I are way past mid-life so I don’t know what you call the crisis we’re in now. Just life I guess.
    My wife used to be a member of the appliance of the month club. I don’t know if that could be considered a mid-life thing though. Now her thing is sewing apparatus. Her current machine is electronic. It hooks up to her computer. I think it’s diesel powered. And it’s a couple of generations old. I think with the new ones you just tell it what you want and throw some fabric and thread at it.
    I guess at some point in your life to realize that there’s nothing that will make you young again so you quit trying to turn back the clock and just look for something that satisfies you personally, that makes you feel significant.
    Books are my guilty pleasure. Lots of them. And electronics. God help me, I want an iPad.
    How did you get to be so wise? I am so fortunate to be at that stage of my life where I have worked for so long, saved, and invested and now we have a nice retirement. So if I want something I go buy it – well mostly – with the economy I have pared back considerably and we are now starting to get rid of things instead of acquire more. So I simply can’t justify buying a car right now coz I don’t really need it. And a trip to Fiji is out coz I won’t fly. Books are also my downfall – maybe I’ll just keep collecting them. Electronics irritate me – I would willingly use a quill pen and an oil lamp. While I have gotten better with it, my SmartPhone continues to outwit me and dang it cost so much – plus the monthly cell phone bills are ridiculous. iPad? No thanks – just got a new laptop and it will have to do for a few more years. The one thing I want is for us to get out of Dodge figuratively speaking — sell this big empty house and find a few acres in the country where EmmaLou can run to her heart’s content and I can sit quietly and listen to nature. Boring for a midlife crisis — she wants to buy a ranch or a mini-farm. Sigh…

  4. You could do what I did…if you’ve got a few thousand dollars and a strong stomach. Flying lessons. There’s nothing like taking a ride in the sky in a cockpit smaller than the Miata. I just never could master landing the stupid thing. This time of year with the weather getting warmer you’ve got what they call thermals. You’re trying to center over the runway and those thermals are bouncing you all over the place. It got to where my nerves were shot and I resolved to find a cheaper way to have a mid-life crisis.

    I also bought a Dobro (an acoustic guitar you play with a slide, used in bluegrass), which gathered dust in the closet. I got a Ham Radio license, but a lightning strike took out an $800 radio and I haven’t bothered since.

    Maybe I should have bought a sports car.

    Oh Jim — me and planes just don’t get along – Devoted Spouse has to drag me kicking and screaming to the airport – I hate flying that much so learning to fly isn’t in my future. I once bought a piano and took lessons and discovered I was the worst piano player in the world and sold the piano – guess that leaves out starting up the rock band…a lightning bolt destroyed your radio – what, it hit the antenna? Those antennas are monstrous – ham radio used to be lots of fun; I played w/my uncle’s set up when I was a child. Too much work now.

    Sports cars are too little….whine, whine, you need to do better with the suggestions sweetie. LOL I still think I want to buy a small farm and maybe get some sheep ( I know they’re smelly and stupid but they have such sweet faces) or alpaca or even just a passle of dogs. Actually I just wanted to write a sentence where I could use the word “passle” ROFL. I’m a crazy ole broad…

  5. I had my mid-life crisis several years ago and now have a permanent reminder of it on my lower back. My teenage kids still can’t believe their Junior League mom did that.
    I have been giving that some thought lately and my friend Delaney might be shocked to hear it. I’m still terribly terrified of needles, though, so it would have to be very small. But that’s a definite on the list. 🙂

  6. You should write a book, seriously you are such a talented writer I am sure it would sell. I would certainly buy a copy.

    Or perhaps painting watercolours, or as my aunt has done run away to a foreign country. But I wouldn’t recommend that. Besides I would miss reading your blog.

    Sending you all my best wishes and hugs.

    P.S. I hope you are ok with the last post I have written, I am a bit worried about it.
    I might take up painting, that is a good idea. I would love to run away to a foreign country – I would choose England the home of my birth and then I would get to meet you. The probem is I might become a citizen and buy a little place in the country and then Devoted Spouse and EmmaLou would miss me too much. I think you still have a quarantine on bringing in dogs? When we went to Belgium we were allowed to take our cat – thankfully we weren’t sent to England because at that time the quarantine was 6 months and she would have simply died without us that long. Oh well. I need to come see your post – I’ve been very bad about visiting my bloggy friends lately.

  7. I’d go for the ranch or mini-farm in a heart beat. I’m so tired of living in the middle of the big city.

    You could opt for a cross country train trip…I’ve been eyeing those up for DH and me.
    CROSS COUNTRY TRAIN TRIP!!! I LOVE that idea. I really do – I have never spent the night on a train and have only ridden them in Europe. What a wonderful idea lady! I really do want the ranch or mini-farm even though I know it would be a lot of work and i don’t have the back for it and Devoted Spouse is getting tired of working hard – even just mowing a suburban yard and doing all the weeding etc wears him out these days. Sigh. …..train trip….oh yeah….

  8. Good idea with the train trip. Just be sure to go first class because sharing the bathroom, or what is just a little bigger then a porta-potty, is not so great. I would say take a short overnight trip for the first time and see how you like it. Then take a longer trip across the country or one up into Canada would be great. Also I would suggest that you break it up with some stays in a hotel and visits of a few days in some of the cities you visit. That way you do not get tired of the train.

    But then again you could take a cruise. I would seriously take crusies every month if I could afford it. Once you take one you will see what I mean. Someone wrote once about setting up a bloggy cruise, was that you? Anyway how great would that be. All of us taking our laptops and writing about it, but then again maybe we should not take them because otherwise we might just be in our rooms blogging instead of on the dance floor dancing or in the dining room eating. Oh did you hear about the food on a cruise ship, it is a good thing you are always doing things or else you might gain a lot of weight.

    I sure wish I could get an iPad. Oh yeah, I really want one, but I think I will wait for the second wave. I mean I just got my iPhone and it has 16GBs, that is all most of the new iPads have, and since you cannot had any memory then truly what is the difference. 9 inches is not so big, but it would be lighter on my lap. I better start saving now.

    God bless.

    “9 inches is not so big, but it would be lighter on my lap.” snort, giggles, breaks out in hysterical inappropriate laughter, tears coming down…ROFL

    Oh..sorry, I got sidetracked for a moment. I was not the one to suggest bloggy cruise, but I remember someone else did it, I just can’t remember who. Hmmm. I don’t want to take a cruise. People keep getting sick. Plus there is too much food and I’m dieting. I like the train trip idea and the idea of a couple of short trips to get used to the idea of traveling by train is a good one – and NO I don’t do well sharing bathrooms with others. Thanks for the suggestions. Hugs! sorry…still giggling…gutter mind…

  9. Sistah-in-my-head,
    A cross country train voyage is a very cool idea, Cronie. If you swing by NYC I’ll meet you at Penn Station an you can stay a while at my crazy house.
    But then again, if you go the Johnny Depp route, let me know. I’ll join ya.
    train trip…Johnny Depp…train trip…Johnny Depp…a conundrum indeed…oooh never been to NYC…hmmm lemme consult w/Johnny and see if he’s available to go WITH me on the train. ROFLMAO

  10. Johnny’s ok in a pinch but it’s George CLOONEY who I could( and do) swoon over…
    he is just so handsome and suave(and away from the cameras reportedly is STILL really nice fellow )
    (Oh by the way I just came back from feasting my eyes on surfer boys..ahhh such a enjoyable sight)
    But seriouly, you need to win the lotto(or an inheritance) so that travel would be luxorious..
    Paris or Rome via first class all the way, baby!
    Hi sweetie – it’s so good to see you – I haven’t visited you in forever it seems. I just have a terrible time trying to get to all my bloggy friends these days! I promise to stop by soon. I would love to go back to Europe – if I could just get over this silly thing I have about flying. And, unfortunately, Devoted Spouse is not the traveler so I would have to find a “travel buddy” – sigh, it’s just never going to happen. I’m thankful we were there once. I like George Clooney but Johnny Depp just does something to me like chocolate in a double boiler on a simmering heat. Yikes – need to stop that right now. LOL Hugs!

  11. I’m with you on the convertible. We have a Corvette convertible which is okay until he wants to put the top down. I’m so busy keeping my hair out of my mouth that I don’t really enjoy it. And don’t get me started on the sun. I’m a redhead, doncha know.

    But my idea about your midlife is get a publisher.
    And publish what sweetie – this nonsense I call a blog? stories of EmmaLou (the market is saturated) – I’m basically lazy you know. ROFL oy – I’m thinking about writing a book, honestly. Just in the thinking stages. I’m also thinking of getting a tattoo – WHAT???!!! And the thought of a little plastic surgery has also crossed my mind. But all of those are painful in one way or another – so for now I’m gonna kick back and maybe plan that train trip. Hugs and blessings!

  12. Surely there must be some other type of ridiculously flashy car you like? OR… how about investing some money in some crazy start up? Or starting your own crazy start up and getting your friends to invest in you?
    Believe it or not I’ve always wanted either my own antique shop or my own book shop. Antiques aren’t selling well in this economy (plus Devoted Spouse thinks I would have a hard time giving them up!) and independent book sellers are almost a thing of the past (oh how very sad). I’m thinking…

  13. I see several references to a little country place…. maybe you could find such a place to visit for a few days as a getaway, and maybe to get a sense of what that life is like.
    We do periodically visit a cabin in the country and I love it – you can see the stars at night and listen to nature but I just don’t see pulling Devoted Spouse away from a place where he has put down roots. Maybe a condo somewhere that I can visit when I need to get away…

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