If the Egg is Broken, Scramble It

In the paper this morning I found a blurb hawking a psychologist’s latest book.  It asked the question, “Do you want to resolve personal and professional struggles — develop a deeper and more profound knowledge of yourself?  To this I answered quickly, Oh Dear Gawd NO.

The last thing I need to obtain is a more profound knowledge of myself.  Having lived with me for over 50 years now, it is dubious anyone can tell me something I don’t already know where I am concerned.  I already understand that in the great egg carton of the world, I am the one that’s slightly cracked.  My shell is not perfect; I will never be sunny-side up; I will always be scrambled.  I’m okay with that.

I detest self-help books because, frankly, they don’t help, they only make you feel even crappier about yourself than when you started the book, plus you plunked down $29.99 for the pleasure of finding out in the final chapter that, yes, you are an absolute mess and all the sawing on your wrist with a plastic knife from Wendy’s won’t solve the deep-seeded issues that rise up occasionally and smack you upside the head.   Gah….

The blurb on the abovementioned book states that this writer “aims to soothe readers while raising their level of consciousness and insight into their own and others’ behavior.”   Horse-hockey.  I don’t want to be “soothed.”  I am in the mood to get riled up.  And by “riled up” I don’t mean rude – I mean taking polite action when you see behavior that bothers you. Frankly if more of us got riled up every once in awhile we might not only gain better insight into others’ behavior but actually have a shot at changing some of the more annoying behaviors out there (such as people who talk on cell phones while I’m trying to watch a movie I paid a week’s income for, telemarketers who call me at dinnertime,  and emaciated salesladies who have the audacity to tell me those jeans I poured myself into and which are causing me to actually turn blue from lack of oxygen as I gaze horrified into the 3-sectioned mirror really do make me look 10 pounds slimmer – liar – SLAP).

I was once nicely asked to leave a book store because I was laughing my butt off over in the self-help section.  I’m sorry, but some of these books are just hysterical – if you follow some of the advice you will only need more self-help.  A good portion of the self-help industry is a conspiracy to get your money and leave you a puddle on the floor when you realize that book you bought on how to lose 20 lbs cost you $24.99 plus tax and the colon cleanse it suggests is probably nasty and while it may result in weight loss, you will gain it all back in a day as you start eating again.  We are so gullible.  I say let’s just accept us as who we are and what we are and start enjoying what is left of our lives.

I have two suggestions for self-help I believe we all need:  The first is a gut-busting dose of laughter.  And the second suggestion is get your butt out there and do something nice for someone else.  That’s it.  Those are  my self-help suggestions to all of you and they are  free – you don’t have to pay me a thing – just find something every day that makes you smile or makes you laugh out loud, then go make someone else smile and I guarantee your life will be better.

As for me if I didn’t have the antics of EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer and the dry wit of Devoted Spouse, the silliness of Twitter, my 11 faithful readers and bloggyland friends, amazing friends on FaceBook and in the real world,  I’d probably be peeling the plastic off those tacky little plastic-wrapped  Wendy’s knives.  Shoot, we’re all just a bunch of broken eggs.  Here’s one last novel idea on self help:  pick up your bible sometime – it has all the help you’ll ever need.  sigh…


19 thoughts on “If the Egg is Broken, Scramble It

  1. Oh, that blurb just about killed me dead. Years ago, a member of the “Church” of Scientology showed up, uninvited, at my door with a “personality” test that would develop a deeper and more profound knowledge of Who I Am. When I said I wasn’t interested, Miss Scientology asked why I wasn’t interested in bettering myself because Scientology would help me to become the best person I could be…as long as I coughed up the “auditing fee.” Long story short (too late!) I informed her that there was no possible way I could be any more improved than I already was and, in fact, I was just like Mary Poppins in that I was practically perfect in every way and that it was obvious that she, Miss Scientology, was a flawed person if she had fallen for the doctrine of a creepy Sci-Fi writer and that I would pray for the deliverance of her soul.

    At that point, she gave up and walked away. And yes, I called after her, “I win!”
    It’s the “I win” that did it – you are so my hero.

  2. Yes, I am a broken egg and my back muscle is the part that cracked these last few weeks. At times I have not even been able to walk or do anything. I had to drive oldest granddaughter to an appointment, and every time I made a right turn, I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Left turns were okay, and all I kept thinking about was how UPS makes right turns because it makes their drive time shorter, and all I wanted to do was make left turns and did not care how long the drive took.

    I have been living on my heating pad and sucking down those pa*n p*lls like candy when I am trying to sleep and I still cannot sleep due to the pain level. Someone said it might be a muscle connected to my shoulder surgery and I pray it is just a really badly pulled muscle.

    And I just did a post about the new puppy that oldest granddaughter brought home and maybe I pulled the muscle cleaning up all her little “messes” she keeps leaving for me. She is getting better or I am getting better at putting her out every few hours, which is another reason I am not getting any sleep. She keeps wanting to play and if she wakes up and walks around before I grab her and put her outside then I get a little gift. So I am waking up at every little sound she makes. I am going to try to train her to stay outside as much as possible and the cats are actually staying with her and they seem to be protecting her from the other Tomcats and possible the Possums. I am not sure if they even know what she is, she is so tiny that if I step on her I will truly crack her and we would totally get scrambled Maggie out of it.

    Anyway come visit my site and see the pictures of her.

    And due to the pa*n p*lls, I cannot even remember if I left comments or not. I thought I did, but I am not seeing them. I think I have read each of this last weeks posts at least 3 times each. Just hurts too much to try and sit and type and if I take the pp’s then I make no sense anyway.

    All I can do is smile and am gonna go take those pp’s right now. I hate taking them, but this freaking hurts and I mean I keep crying with the pain.

    Stay safe, stay away from the restaurant and go buy some cleats for walking in ice, just change your shoes when you get inside. And maybe what DS said was a military thing cause I knew exactly what he meant. That was military talk, truly. And email me the phone number for your smart phone, I lost all my numbers when my phone died. Then I will send you a text msg.

    Gotta go, Maggie wants to come inside.

    God bless.
    God love your heart – I do know so well that you are broken literally and every time I succumb to the pain pills for my own back issue, I think of you and wonder are we taking one at the same time? Last night I hit both the pain pills and the valium and still I rolled over on bad side and shoulder/hip screamed at me and I never did go back to sleep. Sigh. I wish you would heal – and I wish we would both feel better – thank God we can still laugh and I know that little puppy may be just a poopy mess but i bet she makes you smile, too. EmmaLou went into the guest room the other day and yakked all over the floor – I just found it yesterday and am considering ripping out every bit of carpeting in this house so the Resolve people quit making so much money from me. I am emailing u number of my smarta$$phone. And sending gentle hugs your way.

  3. I know who I am and not everyone gets me and that’s fine since the people that really matter (my family) do get me just fine and love me for all my flaws and believe me, there are a ton of them. But that is why we are individuals not some assembly line smiling idiot. I prefer to be quirky though I will admit that sometimes I wish I was a bit less quirky so the funny looks would stop. I just stick out my tongue at them and go on about my business.

    You got kicked out of a bookstore for laughing???? How freaking absurd is that???
    My life is full of absurdity – you know that.

  4. I also hate self-help books. Altho I must admit I was intrigued by this CD set this author put together about the psychological reasons for over-eating, and we can lose weight if we can just figure that out, and then I happily concluded I can probably figure that out myself. Money saved.
    I like them only for the fact they give me free blog material. I believe the last one I actually paid money for was a book about writing yourself thin – as I read it I believe I was chomping down on some cheetos. What a crock. LOL

  5. LOL…..
    I’m broke, fried, and scrambled.
    But….I’m happy. Loved your post sista!
    I’m also broke, mostly scrambled with some spilling on the floor, and I am also happy. I rejoice every day I wake up on the right side of the grass.

  6. Cracked, broke, over cooked, scrambled, burned out, although, more often, sunny side up. All my eggs are in one handbasket and we all know where that is going.
    Don’t talk to me about cracked – see Tues posting for totally cracked. LOL

  7. LOL. You are so crazy funny lady! Only you could be thrown out from a book store:) Love this post. You always say what is in my mind but I can’t quite articulate! Here is to us… the scrambled eggs!
    I like my imperfectness just the way it is thank you very much. And it wasn’t like the book bouncer picked me up by the scruff of my neck and heaved me out the door – they were polite – I was just obviously disturbing other patrons (I think they thought I was on something. giggles). Stoopid people. I never shopped there again. Shows them! They later went out of business. bwahahahahaha

  8. The only people that self-help books help are the ones involved in their writing, publishing, marketing and sales.
    How true! Dang – I need to write one quick!

  9. AHA finally someone else who knows God only uses the Cracked pots to make something great out of them…
    Yes indeed – He does amazing work with the broken ones…I’m living proof. Nice to see you! Hugs and blessings.

  10. I think that having the ability to psycho analyze oneself is very rare. That’s probably why people need crazy books to help them through life.
    That or they’re just bored with their other reading material while in the bathroom…

  11. I just got all the “self-help” I would need for free from reading your post! So the self-help authors can bite me! 🙂
    I truly think I should be paid for this – no…really…I do…I’m a helluva lot better lookin than Dr Phil anyday. snort.

  12. I think a lot of problems would be solved if we would look outwards and not just at ourselves (and I’m guilty of that as well).
    Couldn’t have said it better myself!

  13. Great post! Very insightful and very true!
    Thanks Lisa! It just seemed obvious to me. Sometimes I get the “a-ha” and sometimes I don’t… 🙂

  14. Great post! It made ME laugh my ass off. My boys didn’t kick me out, but they DID SHHHHH me 😉
    You can ask Sandy…NOTHING makes me happier than when something I have written makes somebody laugh out loud and preferably lose their butt in the process! – So I’m happy I made you smile. Thanks for stopping by! BTW I like your sunflower – that’s my fav flower.

  15. The Bible as a “self-help” book? I thought that was for someone else to help, one named God…

    but hey! I totally agree, the three dozen self-help books on my shelf–gathering tons of stuff called dust, or organic matter have been no help whatever to me. BTW, I call it fly-poop.

    I thought they would help me, until I realized I’d be required to read them. It turned out all really expected of me was that I purchase them.

    The books DID help me once as I had to raise up my motor scooter to work underneath. Eight books did the trick, help that sucker off the ground for three days!

    Thanks for an entertaining blog…about WHAT was that, again??? –grin!
    Hi Steve and thanks for dropping by – I like your sense of humor and your uses for the self-help books. I hadn’t thought of using them as substitutes for concrete blocks but now I may grab the ones still out in the garage and jam them under that corner of the shed out back that’s leaning. LOL When I called the Bible a self-help book – I mean it is God helping us (as in selves) hence a self-help book; it has all the instructions one needs to lead one’s life = self-help, plus it teaches us to help others = other selves. Make more sense? Not important! I will admit that I have bought one or three of these books in the past…only to get to a certain point in the book and realize that the majority of them are only telling you what you already know and crap on toast you just made them rich for it and you know in your heart it should be YOU on Oprah raving about this revelation or that, you just didn’t have the time to write it down and get it published coz you were busy cleaning up dog yak all the time. 🙂 Do come back and visit again! Cheers!

  16. Came here through WOW (via your beautifully written introduction) and so glad I stopped. It’s never ceased to amaze me how self-righteous people with a holier than thou attitude put together some ideas of “perfection” and have the audacity to tell us that we follow their instructions. And yes, we are so gullible. We fall for the quick-fixes, not pausing to think even for a second that no one from outside can fix us! And, certainly not wondering if there’s even any fixing needed to begin with! Oh, how I abhor self-help books!! Thank you so much for choosing this as one of the three posts. I enjoyed reading it and will be sure to subscribe to your blog now.
    Thank you for such kind words! I don’t know about “beautifully written” – it took me forever to write that post and I just laughed at myself for worrying over what people might think. Oh no – do I need a self-help book? (giggles) You really said it well – we are all so gullible; I agree about the quick fixes – most people don’t want to take the time needed to truly tackle an issue and find the root cause and then do the work it requires to fix that problem. We are a quick fix society aren’t we? Again, thanks for your comments – I’m so glad you visited me and look forward to seeing you again. All this love — I have LOTS of new blogs to visit now and will return your kind visit as soon as I can! Hugs!

  17. I’ve never been a fan of self-help books either. I feel the same about parenting and marriage advice books too. I guess I’m a student of life.
    And that’s the best student to be in my opinion. Learn from peers, teachers, pastors, trusted friends and family and quit listening to Dr Phil, Oprah and anyone else out there espousing advice when they aren’t qualified. I usually trust my own instincts and I pray a lot, too. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

  18. Came here via WOW and “lurved” this post; especially memorable are your two pieces of advice: laugh a lot and get out there and help someone else! May I quote you often? I’ll be spending some time reading your archives; keep up the good work!
    I’m so glad u stopped by to visit! Thanks! May you quote me? Crap on toast honey if you wanna quote anything I’ve come up with you just go right ahead…but be prepared for people to stare at you like you’re a raving lunatic at times. Coz that’s what I get! LOL Cya soon I hope! Hugs!

  19. I like your attitude about self-help. I can’t tell you how many books I bought over the years, trying to make myself a better person, manager, etc. Rarely can they tell you anything you don’t already know, but I’d always fall for the promise. I did a few recent posts about different books from long ago. When I wrote about assertiveness training, a lot of people said they could have used some.

    Congrats on being a WOWBON 🙂
    Hi Nancy – thanks for the congrats I was overwhelmed by the response. As to self-help, maybe it does serve a useful function for some of the population – my personal opinion is most of it is horse hockey. On assertiveness – I think that is something one learns and you walk a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive. I am convinced assertiveness is learned at a young age, or is ‘presented’ with age. I have always been assertive as usually had no one to stick up for me, so I learned to do it myself. Thanks for visiting! Hugs!

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