To Fly or Not to Fly

courtesy of theonion.com

You know…it occurred to me the other day…I never got my trip to Disney World.  We were going to go, and I don’t know what happened…perhaps my back surgery?  Here I go with the CRS again because I don’t recall why we didn’t follow through with the plans for this trip.

So I was thinking…what a great trip to take after this semester of school.  It will be mid March and barring any more of the bad weather FL is getting currently, should prove to be a good time to go.  Note to self:  when is Spring Break again?  No doubt, the same week I want to go.

The biggest problem?  I only have a week between semesters.  That means the big issue must be faced…I have to get on an airplane.  Those of you who know me know I do not enjoy flying, no matter how short a trip.  Our last plane adventure was a trip out to Seattle which took five of the longest hours of my life while I rocked back and forth in my seat singing Roy Rogers and Dale Evans’ Happy Trails To You in my head to keep from noticing that I was actually on a plane.  I didn’t eat anything and I didn’t drink anything.  I wanted to rip my seat table from its upright position and jam it into the overhead tv screen showing Shrek and wipe the grin off that danged donkey’s face.  Fly much?  Devoted Spouse had to pry my fingers off the armrest and my seatbelt was on so tight it created a muffin top over my jeans.  I’m not kidding — I am not a good flyer.

Now – this trip was BEFORE all the airport security stuff – we didn’t have to take off our shoes; we didn’t have to put stuff in teensy plastic bottles in a ziplock back – we just went through the gates and got on the plane.

What really has me concerned now is what if my airport or the airport on the other end has installed one of those x-ray machines where you walk in and raise your arms and some supposed TSA person anonymously hidden from anyone’s prying eyes sees your body in all its glory — just like when as kids we used to use the bizarre foot x-ray machine in the shoe stores.  Only this time some stranger in some room is looking at everybody’s personal stuff – what modern science refers to as ta-ta’s, whiz-whangs, hoo-hoos and that place.  I know these technical anatomical terms can be upsetting, but we are all adults here.

I trust two people in the whole world to view my private and personal pieces parts:  my doctor, and Devoted Spouse.  Okay, she’s not a person, but EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer is also included in the group.  If I catch her tweeting about it, she’s toast and she knows this.

Anyway – I am not going to walk into that machine and have my ta-ta’s broadcast across some 60 inch high definition screen in a back room of the airport where some flunkie named Booger is sipping Mountain Dews and downloading images to his hidden laptop for his later viewing pleasure.  Nope – not gonna chance it.  I don’t care what the media says about the security of this process and how images can’t be kept but will be immediately destroyed.  Uh-huh – let’s see a few celebrities get in these machines and you watch this stuff show up on the net – I’m telling you this is a bad, bad idea.

That leaves two other alternatives — one is the “pat-down”.  Now that means some woman, and I’m assuming it will be a woman, has the right to run her hands all over me, up and down and all around the corners and edges.  Ick.  Touch my ta-ta’s and I’m takin’ you down.  I will allow wanding — that’s it.  Nobody touches me unless we have a close personal association, or, heaven forbid, I’ve been arrested for something.  Again, this does not include Devoted Spouse or EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer.

One idea left:  we have to drive to FL, dash in to the hotel long enough to take a shower, run to Disney World, see a few things, dash back to the hotel to grab our stuff and throw it in the car and get back on the road to make the 14 hour drive back to Ohio.   pant, pant, pant – I’m exhausted.

By the way, if I ever happen to run across Mr. Osama Bin Laden, I’m gonna kick him so hard in his whiz-whang for causing me this stress, he’ll wonder where his hoo-hoos went.

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9 thoughts on “To Fly or Not to Fly

  1. Oh honey, I knew you didn’t like to fly but I didn’t know it was this bad! 14 hour drive, dash in/out and another 14 hour drive does not sound like fun to me, especially since you won’t have time to stop in and visit me! What about Hersey, PA?
    it’s the worst phobia in the world – I’m an absolute nutcase as soon as we hit the airport. I hyperventilate, I sing in my head, I pray…nothing calms me down. Scared to take drugs coz what if the plane goes down and I have to be aware to slide down the danged shute or something? Then again, I’d rather be drugged if we’re goin down…LOL I can do it. I have to face this fear. I’m so irrational. oh well. back to dvr stuff and books for a vacation and a short trip to Hocking Hills OH to the cabin in the woods we like will probably have to suffice. again…

  2. The last trip to Jamaica was bad. Not the flying part as we didn’t have any turbulence or anything like that but I have a horrible problem with my ears. The altitude changes wrecked havoc on me and by the time we were on the last leg of the trip I was in tears. Thank God I didn’t have that problem going back. This is why I surface snorkel and nothing deeper.

    Hubby got patted down at the Miami airport. Yep, that was loads of fun.

    I feel sorry for people with private piercings because I have read some horror stories on those when the power hungry security people make you show them to prove that you have them. One woman in LA airport had to take her nipple piercing out because they wouldn’t let her on her flight unless she did. She had to pry it loose with pliers. Just stupid. Both by the way, getting the piercing and them making people remove things that aren’t going to hurt anyone.
    Oh puhleeze anyone with a nipple piercing should be smart enough to take it out before going to airport…but then again they got their nipple pierced…’nuff said.

  3. Are you sure we are not related?

    I am petrified of flying, I hate it even more now they have those body scanners. It really worries me just how much “private” detail they can see. My ta ta’s are no’ones business but mine.

    I know how you feel on the aircraft, I feel sorry for whoever sits next to me because when I get really nervous I keep wanting to “twinkle” and have to go to the loo every five minutes.

    I can really recommend breathing exercises, they are a great help in calming the nerves. If you want I have lots of techniques I could share with you.

    I am sure you will be alright though and have a lovely time.

    Delaneys comment made me laugh, I only have my ears pierced but have a friend who has her (ahem) pierced. That would be funny if the bleeper picked it up.

    Take care Linda,

    Much love and hugs
    Sandy.
    Yes sweetie – if you have some tricks up your sleeve that will help me with my fear of flying, I’m all ears – feel free to email me any tips you have!! I like the deep breathing – it does help calm me down a bit short term. As for piercings, see my note to Delaney – in this day and age if you walk into an airport expecting to get on a plane and your “ahem” has a piercing you are low on brains. Take all the piercings out until you arrive at your destination. Duh. Hugs!

  4. My only fear with flying is that there will be turbulence because I get motion sick. I think drugs are in order for you – good drugs. And I agree that the whole new security stuff makes it just not fun to travel anymore.
    I think the drugs idea is probably my best bet. A Valium will keep me calm and there are no calories.

  5. The more I fly, the less I like it. We didn’t fly overseas in 2009, the first in a few years. And I didn’t miss it. I’m not looking forward to the flights to Europe this summer…..I know I should complain about having the opportunity (making the opportunity) to travel but it’s just no fun anymore. I used to think international travel was so glamorous. Ha! Now it’s, GO HERE, GO THERE, TAKE THIS OFF, KEEP MOVING, TAKE YOUR BAG OVER THERE……nothing glamorous about it!
    I did a lot of international travel when we lived in Belgium. I flew home at least once sometimes twice a year and we flew to Italy and other places. I think I’m just “over” it – you’re right…it’s not fun anymore – it’s become tedious and nerve-wracking. I used to worry about the pilot having an issue or turbulence causing a problem – now I have to worry about every other passenger on the plane. No thanks.

  6. We didn’t go overseas in 2009 either! Can’t tell you how many times I’ve typed that this year already!
    Not to worry – I can edit for you!!! LOL

  7. I just watch on the news about what all those people who are flying go through and it takes away any desire I might have to fly anywhere.

    I am okay with flying, I just do not like the take offs and the landings so much. Once I am up in the air, I am okay.

    I say take the drugs, just take the drugs and go to where you want to go. Maybe some day they will build some of those bullet trains and then those with a fear of flying will not have to fly anymore. Although you are almost flying on those bullet trains.

    But maybe you could put off your trip until you have at least two weeks available and then you could just take the regular train. It is not so bad to take the train, I like train trips. They are an adventure all by theirselves. Just a thought for you to think about.

    Although I would also recommend that you take a cruise ship. I would live on a cruise ship if I could afford to. I love taking cruises. Maybe some year we should all take a Bloggyland Cruise. Only Bloggers allowed. Could you imagine the fun we would all have? Okay, I know I am dreaming again.

    God bless.
    I have friends that swear by cruising and I have it on the list of things to do if I ever recover financially from all this tuition and books nonsense I’m going thru!!! School just sucks my checking account dry! A Bloggy Cruise would be so much fun.

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