The Horror of Horoscopes

While I usually pay little attention to pseudo-sciences such as Astrology, I must admit to being a bit entertained by one of the local paper’s Sunday Horoscope section.  This is not your average Fortune Cookie horoscope; there are no lucky numbers included.  The guy who writes the column is something of a goofball, but I can’t stop reading them because they are so bizarre.

We all know that most horoscopes are written such that they could apply to just about anyone; much like a fortune teller at a carnival.  But this guy is way off the chart; the astrological chart.  I suspect he drinks a little too much Zinfandel wine out of the box.

Now bear with me because I’m going to quote his column for you:  Oh – btw, my sign is Capricorn; yes I’m a December baby.

“A neurosis is a secret that you don’t know you are keeping…your assignment is to uncover one of those secrets in yourself.  It may not result in an instantaneous cure of your minor personality glitch, but it will be a potent first step that will set in motion a series of healing events.  Be brave, Capricorn.  I guarantee that any ugliness  you might find lodged deep inside you will be entangled with surprising beauty.”

Excuse me?  I beg your pardon?  Are you talking to me?!  I’m a closet neurotic?  I have a minor personality glitch?  Get out!   And I’m supposed to search deeply for that nagging neurosis and do something with it so it turns into a healing event?   Have you not heard of the Hadron Supercollider experiments which could conceivably lead to the end of the world and do you fully understand what could happen to the universe if I let out one of my deep, dark secrets?   Ahem.  Okay.  I’ll do it but just because I’m a good sport; not because I have any secret neuroses hidden at all.  None.  Well, maybe three.  But that’s all.  Three…and they’re small.  Well, two of them are small.  One is massive.  I’m letting the massive neurosis out of the box…

I detest Oprah Winfrey.  There I’ve said it.  I’ve kept that hidden deep within me for years now for fear of having the hordes of Opraites stampede my door and demand my head on a platter.  I can’t stand to look at her; to listen to her; to see her constantly changing hairdos.  Half the time I don’t recognize her – she’s fat, she’s thin, she’s fat, she’s thin.  I don”t care to hear about her precious little school on the other side of the world (we love you Mama Oprah) gag (while there are children here in America who could use a hand up).  I’m sick to death of her book club picks and refuse to read them.  I believe I have better literary sense than she.  I don’t give a fat fuzzy rat’s patootie if she hangs out with Stedman or with her BFF Gayle.  I could give a hoot what her favorite items are; and,  if she endorses a political candidate you can be danged sure I won’t. I detest her magazine  O (how original); I abhor her favorite Dr. Phil. She almost sucked me in with Dr. Oz but he’s getting on my last nerve, too, sanctimonious skinny thing.    Wait…I need to take a breath…okay now recently she had a major announcement to make and ya know what?  She sucked me in and I actually watched this broad stand in front of an audience of vapid women, and she did a fine acting job as she shed a tear and announced she was retiring…in ANOTHER TWO FLIPPIN’ YEARS!  Oh for the love of Mike — I was dancin’ around my family room until it dawned on me I was gonna have to put up with her for another season or two before she would actually be gone.

Did I successfully lay bare my soul for you and spew forth that deep-seated neurosis that’s been haunting me for over 20 years?  Coz I certainly feel better for having gotten that out of my system finally.  Maybe there is something to this astrology stuff — I mean it always worked for Nancy Reagan…


9 thoughts on “The Horror of Horoscopes

  1. I agree-those horror-scopes–haha-can usually fit anyone or anyway you want it to. I usually just read them to see what they say-esp. the next day to see if it had fit for that day before.
    And I will go out on a limb w/you-I don’t like Oprah either. I feel like she is too full of herself and what right does she have to tell us how to live when she does the yo-yo dieting herself. Anyway, looks like you were up late-or early also. I wish I could turn my mind off like you can tv’s or these darn computers. Too much going on–hope you had a really nice TDay and the rest of the weekend goes well for you….-TTFN-Ta Ta For Now!!!
    Hi sweetie – I hope ya’ll had a great Thanksgiving. Horoscopes are like fortune cookies – good for a giggle. I’m glad I’m not the only Oprah-disliker. I think mostly I’m just tired of seeing her everywhere I look. Take care!

  2. The thing I dislike about Oprah is she is so freaking rich yet she is listed on the low end of celebrities that give back to the community and charities. I believe last year she gave one million dollars. Now this is a woman that has two homes that cost over twenty million! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie gave almost that much and yes I know they are rich as hell but at least they give back. Look at how much they have done in New Orleans and they top the charity list every year.
    I agree and yet the world has about elevated her to sainthood. So over her. A friend of mine went to a taping and said O treated the audience like crap during commercials. Can you spell Diva?

  3. Cancer is the best zodiac sign of them all, I’m just saying, lol jk.

    This is a great humor blog you have here. I just found it but I’m liking what I see. I have a humor blog myself which I hope to bring laughter to people all over the world. Life is hard enough, you know what I’m saying? I’d link to do a link exchange with you to help spread some traffic around.

    Let me know if this is possible.

    Hi Jason – thanks. I don’t mind trading links but after reading your blog site disclaimers and terms of use you sound like a bunch of lawyers and scare the heck out of me…now that I visited I envision someone sitting in a darkened car outside my house watching my every move…and I’m not that funny…

  4. Hey Sistah,
    When I read about your deep dark secret I spit out my ginger tea and peed (just a tiny bit) in my pants.
    I find it so entertaining to read about Oprah and Michele Obama in the tabloids.
    You rock!
    Hey Sistah – I’m drinkin ginger tea, too! Supposed to help this wretched cough – so far it’s not working but I’ll keep sipping. Hey me 2 on the tabs – I gotta kick outta the one where Michie is about to throw Obamaramalamadingdong out of the house. Heh heh heh I just want arms like hers. No…YOU rock.

  5. Oh what an entertaining post. You do so make me laugh Linda! 😀 And then you and auntie…. LMAO.

    Hi Suz – Auntie and I do get a tad silly but it’s so much fun. I wish you had time to join our Twitterfests where our dogs join in too. It’s grand. Hugs!

  6. That was just too funny! I, too, am a non-Oprahite. She thinks she is so irreplacable. My granddaughter could replace her in an instant. We took a group of church kids to Chicago to do some volunteer work on houses for people who didn’t have the resources to do for themselves. We contacted her show to ask if we could bring them to the taping of the show and got a big fat “NO”. They were all under 18. Stupid witch!
    I LOVE YOU!!! O is just so full of herself. I wanna be a lil mouse at the Pearly Gates when she shows up with her big list of wonderful accomplishments for humanity and St. Peter hits her with the “humility” card. SLAM DUNK. In the immortal words of EmmaLou: heh heh heh

  7. Too funny!! You are so brave to speak out against the almighty Ms. O !! I hear all that you have said and agree with you 100% !! Thanks for putting a huge grin on my face today…I love reading your posts!
    I felt it was my duty! LOL

  8. I TOO abhor Oprah…LOLOLOLOL at you telling it for all of us…
    TOO funny about the magazine too.

    I have NEVER understood what the big deal was about her, and YES her taste in books is really pathetic; I don’t think she even KNOWS of any literature that is either not from the south or especially NOT from the USA.

    YES why is it so great that she donates money when she is one of the wealthiest women in the world..hmmm could be a good tax reduction and not humanitarianism at all?
    *can you tell you hit a nerve with this post!*
    Take care…
    I wish she would retire now — I can live with the void. Really, I can.

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