Grease is a Food Group


Every few months my Cholesterol Low-Level Light blinks red and I must go in search of a cheeseburger.  Today was one of those times.  Grease used to be a mainstay of my diet back in the days I weighed close to 50 pounds more than I do today.  Now I only indulge in grease when I can no longer stand one more moment without it  — and I reached that point about 12:30 on Friday  – I had to have a cheeseburger come hell or high water.

It wasn’t the very best time to go in search of grease.  It’s raining and it’s cold outside.  I’m still fighting some type of infection and the antibiotic I took has resulted in a blistering rash all over my neck which is driving me insane.  But nevertheless I needed a cheeseburger so out I went.

I quickly discovered why I don’t go and order cheeseburgers very often.  Cheeseburgers reside in vile places with less than stellar workers who, through no fault of their own I’m sure, are very unsatisfied with their lot in life.  Although to be fair, I imagine they DO get all the free cheeseburgers for their lunch that they want.  Still, it was not a Happy Place as I entered.

When I was finally waited on, I ordered a small cheeseburger without onions and a small order of fries.  Pretty simple order.  The clerk had difficulty with the cash register and the fact I handed him a 20 dollar bill for a $5 purchase.  He had to make change — even though the computer tells him the amount to return to me, he had some difficulty with it.  I had to recount and we had to do the transaction again to my satisfaction (and correct change back thank you).

Now keep in mind I have this horrid blistering rash on me and I”m wearing an open-necked tank top with a sweatshirt jacket but you can still see the marks.  The kid looks at me and asks, “What happened to your neck?”  I wondered to myself if I should tell him the truth or make something up.  Well, the truth is never what anyone wants to hear and so I replied, “It’s just a little burn…the voices told me to do it.”  His eyes got wide and he handed me a receipt and immediately looked at the next customer.  I can’t help it that I was bored.

I get to my car and for some compelling reason reach into the bag, take out the cheeseburger, unwrap it and take off its top layer of bun to find ONIONS.  So I re-wrap it, put it back in the bag and get out of my car into the rain and back to the burger joint.  I walk up to the kid and hand him the bag and say in my kindest voice, “There are onions on my cheeseburger.  The voices don’t like onions.”  He took the bag, turned around and hollered to his buddy for another cheeseburger with NO onions – then he dumped out the fries and put new hot fries in a clean bag and shortly followed my new onionless cheeseburger.  He handed it to me at arm’s length and never said a word.  I smiled and left.

I like “grease” days.  The voices are happy again.


11 thoughts on “Grease is a Food Group

  1. Hahaha! My stepdaughter is extremely thin (size 0 and nearly 5’10”). When she goes out with my older daughter they often have conversations so that wait staff can over hear usually discussing her supposed release from clinics for eating disorders. The dinner plates usually come out loaded with extra food. I shouldn’t laugh but I do.
    It’s fun and mostly harmless – I would never do anything to actually harm someone. I just like to yank their chains sometimes and see what happens. I imagine there is always the chance I’ll catch someone on a bad day and I’ll say something smart-mouthed and then they will pull out a gun and shoot me – but I hope not. LOL

  2. My friend G loves to go anywhere with me and watch the faces of the people around us after she asks who I’ve killed off this week and how I did it. I’m always willing to discuss it. Ah, the life of a mystery writer….
    I think that sounds like tons of fun!!!!

  3. LOL!!

    Now my voices are telling me that they like onions, especially the red onions. But they also like what you did. They like your voices and think you should let them talk more often, especially out in public, so they can also talk to other voices too. They say that voices like to talk to other voices and wonder why others keep their voices so quiet.

    Oh and they like me to have a good cheeseburger whenever they can talk me into one. And I keep telling them that they need to quit talking me into eating those cheeseburgers, burritos, tacos and pizza all the time. Or I need to quit listening to them when it comes to food choices.

    Last week when I was looking in the mirror those stinking voices told me they like the extra weight I have gained. Then they had the nerve to tell me that they have worked hard to get me to gain those extra pounds, because then there is more room for more voices to live in my body. Geez, and I thought it was my brain that they liked, nope it is all those extra pounds and I had no idea that I was a freaking voice condo.

    Although I know how you feel about going out in public with a rash. I felt the same way when I had those hives all over my face and those swollen lips. Which reminds me, never put uncooked raw garlic on a cheeseburger, but have you tried one with jalapenos? I try to eat one of those whenever I think I am getting a cold, and if I do it on the first day, then I think I have warded off those colds. Or at least in my mind I think I did. Oh, those voices are now laughing because they just use that as an excuse to get me to eat one of those jalapeno burgers. And the jalapenos are loaded with vitamin C and seem to clear out my sinus cavities. Though they do burn when they are going in and burn when they are coming out. I really like jalapenos and peperoncinis, which I buy large bottles of at Costco. The grandkids eat them like others eat pickles. They just pull them out of the jars and eat them. I do have to eat food with mine.

    Anyway I do hope you enjoyed your cheeseburger and that you are feeling better. And is your tooth doing any better?

    God bless.
    Hi sweetie – my voices should get together with your voices! My voices also like onions but the owner of the voices cannot digest raw onions. Too bad. I did enjoy the cheeseburger – unfortunately a few hours later I was back at the doctor’s office about this rash and I’m feeling very awful about what he diagnosed — in fact, so awful I”m about to try to get into your Crap page and write it up. LOL

  4. I usually try and avoid listening to my voices or they get me in lots of trouble.

    I do have a t-shirt that usually gets second looks:

    “I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy every moment of it”

    I love that shirt. :0)
    I want one!!!!! Actually I should just have one made that says My Voices Don’t Like You… lol

  5. Here is what is so hard for me to understand: When we go to one of those burger places where you can super size (MacGyver feels the need to eat 40 pounds of fries so I too have to order the super size), it comes with a JUMBO cup for a drink.

    Now I can’t drink a JUMBO cup, so I tell them to give me a small cup…this seems to be very hard for them. Why????…they are making money on the drink by me taking the small size and paying for the JUMBO…RIGHT…

    Well I had one guy tell me he could not do that. Why I said? You paid for a JUMBO! Yes, I paid for a JUMBO but I don’t want a JUMBO. I want a small cup please…..But you paid for a…..

    Then just give me 6 small cups!

    Why is this so hard?
    I love it – 6 small cups!!! What a hoot! These are not people who have original thoughts, are they? LOL

  6. I love that. I had to have my In and Out burger fix this week. I of course always have it Protien style and not animal style. The voices are not pleased but I just tell them that the buns appreciate no bun.
    Hmmm my voices don’t like buns either and usually pull them off piece by piece to get to the yummy stuff inside. Makes a real mess but if it keeps the voices happy…

  7. Sometimes you just gotta have a burger. Hope it was good.
    It’s funny but it really wasn’t and EmmaLou ate most of it and 3/4 of the fries – she loved both!

  8. You had to go and do it, didn’t you? Here I am, after two in the afternoon and so far today, I’ve satisfied the inner me with a soy protein/banana/skim milk eggnog for breakfast and a small dish of fat-free frozen strawberry yogurt for lunch. All of a sudden I have a yen for a Checker’s, “everything on it”, hamburg. I intend to see my lawyer tomorrow morning!
    Oops my bad! Shouldn’t be giving you these bad food ideas – but c’mon Mary, everybody has to have a cheeseburger once in awhile don’t they?

  9. That’s really a shame when you crave something and get it with some effort and then you’re not even happy with it!
    I think it was because I wasn’t feeling very well at the time – I thought I wanted a cheeseburger, but when you’re sick, nothing tastes right ya know? Oh well, EmmaLou loved it!

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