Germs? In My Home? I Don’t Think So….

this nasty pic of Salmonella from

this nasty pic of Salmonella from

An article the other day alerted me to the fact my home is covered literally in nasty germs; germs that could potentially make me very sick.  Great, something else I have to put on my list of worries.

Germs.  I wash my hands all the time but apparently that’s not enough — now I have to wash my hands while simultaneously singing several stanzas of Happy Birthday to You or some other song so the soap has enough time to actually kill the germs.  Then I wipe my hands on a towel I’ve already used.  Shoots that clean theory right out, huh?

“Gretchen the Immaculate” comes in every other week and goes top to bottom scrubbing and sanitizing my house.  Unfortunately I have seen some of her “cleaning” methods.  She uses my dish towels to wipe things down like my kitchen counters after she has used my “dish sponge” to do the cleaning.  Yikes – that’s like just grabbing a big old fistful of Salmonella and spreading it around like you’re making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I’ll have germs on whole wheat for lunch, thank you…with a side of virus to go –  – yum.

When we come home to our “clean” house, the first thing I always do is throw all the dish towels down the basement stairs for the laundry; the second thing I do is take the kitchen sponge and dampen it and pop it in the microwave for about a minute and a half on high to sanitize it.  And the third thing I do is get out the Clorox Wipes and wipe down every “touchable” surface — light fixtures, the top of faucets, toilet bowl handles, remote controls, all doorknobs and every other surface I can get a wipe to wipe.  Did you know one of the dirtiest spots (aside from your remote control) is the keypad on your Microwave?  No lie.  I’m getting to be an expert at where these little buggers hide.  I Clorox-wiped my laptop keyboard the other day — had a hard time with the spot where the quotation key used to be – didn’t want to get any minute amount of liquid down in there or I’m toast for typing.  So now everytime I use the hole that serves as the quotation mark button, I worry about what obnoxious disease I may be introducing to my fingers.  Wait a minute, my nose itches; OH NO, I TOUCHED MY FACE.  They always tell you in capital letters not to touch around your nose or eyes – yeah, like don’t think about pink elephants.  Ya thought of ’em, didn’t ya?  Bet you scratched your nose, too.  Germ-spreader.

I’m becoming a germophobe and it’s not pretty.  At church I try not to touch people – although I do give out hugs – I just try not to get too close (except for this past Sunday but that was another special story I”ll share another day).  And as soon as I’m back in my car, out comes the antibacterial stuff in the little container and goop gets dropped in my hands and put on my steering wheel, inside of the door handle, and the gear shift.  One day while I was still working, one of my cubemates dared me to put some of the germs goop in my mouth to sanitize my mouth.  Of course being the idiot I am (and always looking for a laugh) I did it.  Didn’t work – my mouth wasn’t any cleaner and it was weeks before the taste of a weird greasy-like Pledge substance actually left my mouth.  Of course my breath was lemony fresh but I digress.   This germ thing  is becoming so obsessive it’s just this side of out of control.

Go ahead, call me anal.  Call me obsessive compulsive.  Call me a nutcase.  I don’t care.  The flu is not visiting these premises this year if there’s anything I can do about it.  Now if I could just figure out how to hold my breath successfully for long periods of time…

I do this because I suffer from an immune system that thinks flu and cold germs are its friends — an immune system that invites in e.Coli and Salmonella and all other types of nasty things to my system for a party.  C’mon down, Linda’s immune system is now open for business.  Gah…..

I’ve been sniffling and sneezing alot the last two weeks — I thought it was a cold but I think it’s just the change in weather here and allergies kicking in.  My immune system is setting the table already with the chips and dip just inviting the germies to gather so I’m taking a Defensive Stance and eating bucketfulls of Vitamin C and Vitamin D and lots of fresh fruits, veggies, protein, and water.  I’m also eating alot of fish.  I’ll probably drop dead from mercury poisoning or from the amounts of weird birth control drugs that are showing up in tap water, but at least I’m trying.

I’m not even going to mention the possibilities of germs from EmmaLou the Golden Destroyer – she’s what I nicely refer to as a self-cleaning pet…and then she plants one on me – right on the lips – YUK – dog germs (as Lucy would say).  So far, she hasn’t transmitted anything to us – but I know that many times she finds her own butt rather fascinating, so ’nuff said there.  Germs.  Little buggers everywhere.

Clorox likes me so much they send me coupons.  I think I’ve made their stock go up because I invest in so much of their product.  Clorox is a great cleaner – just watch your skin, your carpet, anything that might lose color like your Golden Retriever – yikes – and oh yeah, it works a real number on the nasty weeds the neighbor behind me is allowing to grow through my fence – I just surreptitiously go out there at night and pour Clorox over the fenceline.  Muahahahahaha.  Take that you crazy man!

So don’t forget to wipe down all your surfaces with a disinfectant – and stay out of the doctor’s office coz I know from past experience that place will make you sicker when you leave than when you first walked in. Achoo!  Oh crap…


6 thoughts on “Germs? In My Home? I Don’t Think So….

  1. Three kids in this house< I scared to think of the germs we have here. The advantage is that we homeschool and I might be the only one that brings a lot of foriegn germs into the homestead. I need a bubble to live in…
    Oh honey…you already live in a bubble – and a few other strange places, too. LOL

  2. OMGsh, you and I were separated at birth for sure. I have used so much Clorox and GermX these past 4 weeks that my house smells like a hospital. I even mopped my walls. I still have a sore throat. Maybe we are killing the good bacteria……
    Ya know I’ve heard that overuse of all this antibacterial stuff does indeed kill the good bacteria. Crap, I say if you have to take a few good ones with ya well, like my military husband used to say, there’s gonna be a few losses in a big operation. I’m continuing with my quest for as few germs as possible.

  3. I think germaphobia is why so many people get sick.

    Germs are becoming superbugs because the more we fight them with chemicals, antibiotics, and other things, the more resistant they become.

    Let’s just say that my house is clean enough to be healthy yet dirty enough to be happy.
    See…I feel that way about clutter. Just enough to be normal.

  4. I don’t mind if sick people want to come to gatherings at my house, as long as they don’t mind if I fog them with Lysol before they enter. Works like a charm and only takes once! Love your blog and have linked to you in my blog roll!
    Well hi sweetie welcome to my little piece of insanity. I LOVE Lysol spray – I’ll fog ’em too, not a problem. When I was working at the toxic job from Hades, I spent much of my time in what is called a 4-person cube. Blechhh – one of my cubies was notorious for getting a cold and he’d sit there and hack and cough and sneeze and I’d spray Lysol till there was fog above the cube. Everybody laughed their hinies off over this behavior, but I’m telling you, none of the rest of us got sick. Lysol and Clorox both rock. Thanks for adding me; what an honor – I’ll come visit you real soon, promise. Hugs! Wait a minute!! You’re Seasoned With Salt, aren’t you? Crap on a crutch – I already have u on my blogroll girl! You’re fabulous!


    It is so funny to think of you wiping everything down after the cleaning lady comes and doesn’t clean anything. I would say for you to just put clean towels out for her to use and nuke the sponge too. Maybe if you put the Clorox wipees out for her she might use them, well probably not, unless you put a note on them that, “That due to the amount of germs on towels, please use these wipees to kill the germs.”

    But it was funny to think about how after washing our hands we then wipe them with a dirty towel. Maybe the people who dry their hands with the paper towels are smarter than we are, but at least we save the trees.

    Oh and yes I did scratch my nose, but only the outside part of it, and dang it all, how the heck did you know I would do that? Now I gotta go get some of that Germ-X and wipe my nose with it. And put some clean towels out to dry my hands. And I guess I had better start changing those towels every day, but since I don’t clean my house, who cares. I am usually too busy chasing those dang possums to worry about cleaning the house.

    But maybe I better rethink this thought and get to work. Well maybe I better just pop another pill first and then rethink about it if I can…….okay I was thinking that maybe I better stop going to my PT cause that place has to be kinda germy too………wow this thinking sure does work……well maybe not.

    Really though, thank you for giving me a lot to really think about. I truly never even thought of some of these things. I do clean my remote and sorta wipe down my keyboard, but now I am gonna turn off the computer and scrub those dang keys.

    God bless.

    PS…..Oh and the microwave too. And should we wash our hands before going to the bathroom, due to safety reasons, but I have tried that a few times and I barely have time to sit cause running water makes me have to pee even quicker. Geez, I can’t win for nothing…..Scratching nose again……
    Oh you and your dang possums – you crack me up. Wait a minute…my nose itches. Acckkkkk.
    My PT place was immaculate – they sprayed and cleaned each table after use and had plenty of the hand sanitizer everywhere you looked. When I was done exercising on the various machines, the first thing I did was hit the hand sanitizer. Every PT always thoroughly washed their hands and dried them on paper towels between clients or after doing paperwork or some other chore; always prior to coming in contact with a patient – I know this because the sink was on the center island where everyone could see. It was an awesome model of how to keep germs from spreading. When one of the PTs did something like sneeze, it was always into the crook of their elbow (someone stole their elbow?) and then they would go wash hands again just in case. I never caught any nasty germs there and I never missed an appointment. Yay for cleanliness. Now my next effort is clutter but that will have to wait for another day because I need to add a book I just finished last night to the pile of books that are laying on my crap room, I mean home office, floor.
    I like the idea of putting out clean towels for her to use in the kitchen – now why didn’t I think of that? I must have been too busy scratching my nose…

  6. Germs ar good for you! They build up the immune system;-) Take care of yourself Sweetie. I think you can get those Dr glove thingys at the corner drugstore. LOL!
    I don’t mind a few germs – I kiss my dog for goodness sake. I am NOT wearin gloves – I’m not quite that bad! LOL

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