Life is just plain stupid here at Chez Crone and Bear It these days. One stupid thing after another. If it isn’t dumb pizza clerks, it’s stupid people on the phone who don’t understand that they’re interrupting my quiet time and I don’t WANT to talk to them about the latest crisis with this levy or that political issue. Gah…just leave me alone. I would holler out “Calgon, take me away,” but I’d probably land not in a nice tub of bubbles but in the backyard of the crazy Chinaman who lives behind me (and yes, it is a neighborhood consensus; he’s certifiable; he’s probably some highly intelligent rocket scientist who works over at the Air Force base and I should be more respectable, but c’mon who chainsaws their bushes at 8am on a Sunday morning?!) Where was I? Oh yeah, stupid.
Sunday morning I went to church with my tee shirt on inside-out – oh it was just a little pretty lacy shell thing that I had slipped a buttoned sweater over so nobody noticed – at least I hope those nice folks sitting behind me didn’t notice the tag hanging out – Devoted Spouse never noticed so I guess I escaped that time. Inside out. Honestly.
The other day I sent Devoted Spouse out to get the oil changed in my car – plus he needed to pick up a new battery for his car. I figured he’d be gone about an hour and he’d write a check to the shop for 40 or 50 bucks (I dunno how much a battery & oil change costs but it can’t be that much, can it?) He called me sometime later to tell me that I needed new tires – well I had asked him to check them coz I thought I probably needed new tires, too, and sure enough I was right. This was gonna be more than $40. So I authorized new tires but not the top of the line coz I don’t want to keep this car more than another year or so if at all possible. I went back to reading my textbooks and my phone rang again – this time my brakes are shot – I need new brakepads. Okey-dokey can’t be driving around without brakes, now can I? By the time he got home I pretty much had a new car – and he had written a check for not $50 but $1,200. Yikes! There goes next semester’s tuition payment. Now this is a long story – but here’s the funny part. He was so proud of all the work that had been done and he showed me the paperwork that I should keep in my car to show I’ve had this work done, and “Honey it comes with a lifetime guarantee.” All I could think of was whose dang lifetime, theirs or mine? If I die before those brakepads give out I’m gonna be some kinda pissed off I can tell ya.
Today I was trying to find my cell phone. I hunted high and low – I searched every room repeatedly. I went upstairs and then back downstairs so many times it was just killing me. Devoted Spouse joined in the hunt – he hunted the Master Bedroom while I sifted through the piles of textbooks and research mess on my library table in my crap room home office. I started back down the stairs and Devoted Spouse was right behind me and he gave out a howling laugh and as I turned around while on the third stair (not an easy task for me) he’s standing at the top of the stairs pointing at my backside and just laughing to beat the band. I put my hand on my backside (don’t go there) and sure enough I had tucked my cellphone into the back pocket of my shorts. Couldn’t believe all that time it was right there. And do you know not an hour later I did the very same thing and couldn’t find it yet again!! Stupid.
So I’ve been hard at work on my school research paper (gag, gag) and I knew I needed to take a break and fix some tea and English muffins. I also wanted to call my friend and check on her sick grandbaby. That’s another stupid story all its own coz I was on Twitter the other night and I tweeted to a friend to pray for the little baby and please retweet. So she did and the multitudes keep tweeting her asking how her grandbaby is doing – I feel so bad I will never ask anyone to retweet a tweet again I promise coz it just backfires on me.
Anyway… So on my way downstairs to the kitchen I grabbed my little address book and took it with me thinking I’ll call her while the tea brews. I put the English muffins in the toaster and pushed that little thingie down that makes them actually disappear into the toaster and get all nice and toasty, and they wouldn’t go into the toaster. I pushed again. Nothing. I pushed again only this time harder. Nothing. I pushed once more really hard enough to almost break off that little thingie piece and at the same time I looked up and noticed the toaster was unplugged. Someone take me away – I need to be put in a padded cell so I do no further harm, I swear.
So, now I have my tea, and I have my English muffins, and I have made a quick call to my friend and left her a message and I’m ready to take my English muffins and tea back upstairs to re-start work on my paper. Where’s my address book? Dangitall I must have laid it down on the counter while fighting the toaster. Nope, not there. Oh yeah – I put it over on the kitchen table while the tea was brewing. Nope, not there. Well I know for sure I didn’t go upstairs. I did however make a quick detour into the hall bathroom – nope, not there. You don’t suppose…oh yeah, there it was in my shorts back pocket just like it belonged there all the time. I’m gonna take every pair of shorts I own and sew shut the back pocket.
Finally, Monday evening after dinner we went to get an ice cream cone. On the way back into the house through the garage, Devoted Spouse said to me, “Leave the garage door open, I want to work on my car.” I said, “okay.” And what did I do as I walked up the stairs and into the kitchen…I hit the button to close the garage door. Gah…