Criminy, I told my 6 faithful readers I wouldn’t be blogging much due to my school schedule and where am I? In front of my laptop writing a blog post. It’s a sickness I tell you – I have to write – I wish this “sickness” spilled over into my school life because there is some writing due over there and I’m obviously not getting to it.
Why you might ask am I doing this post instead of reading a scholarly (zzzzz) book on intertestamental Judaism and the New Testament? Why, you might ask, am I not finding it absolutely riveting that early Jewish people in Palestine made their homes out of rock or stone (I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow…no wait that’s the wrong story)? Because I’m just not in the mood. I am convinced there is a direct correlation between how much homework I have and how many blog posts I write; the more homework, the more postings.
What I really want to discuss is a little blurb I saw in our paper this morning. Now this isn’t a small-town local type of paper; it’s a city-wide newspaper that’s supposed to give us national as well as local news. It actually misses the mark a good portion of the time and it’s waaaay too expensive, but I still get one every day and I’m getting off track here. Back to the blurb I saw.
This morning’s Lifestyle section had what they thought was a great tip for ladies who wanted to look good. It’s not original to the paper, thank goodness; I’d hate to think they actually had writers this awful, but they inserted this invaluable piece of physiological information into my reading material nonetheless. It’s so amazing I simply have to quote it verbatim:
“You will look like you have a flat (or at least, flatter) belly if you stand up straight. When you hunch down, your belly pushes out. While you’re at it, pull your abdominals in, giving even more of an illusion of flat belly at the time, and creating more of a flat belly in the future by tightening your core.”
To say I almost spit out the cottage cheese I was gagging down at the time I read this would be an understatement. Someone out there thinks they have come up with a good idea that no woman over the age of 18 has ever considered before: pull in your stomach. Oh holey moley Batman, what man said this – if I could find him I’d slap him.
Why do I think a man came up with that? Because the other day while I was working out at my physical therapy session, one of my therapists (the ultra slim, cute as a button Agador) walked by and with a big smile on his precious face announced to me, “Linda pull in those abdominals!” Little sh*t – I HAD them pulled in and if I had sucked my stomach in any further it would have blown out my butt. Oh yeah, at the same time he says to me “Tighten those butt cheeks!” So I’m pulling in my abdominals and tightening my butt cheeks and my body was so incensed with this double whammy that I got a spasm in the back of my left thigh. I thought all my internal organs had rearranged as I let my butt cheeks droop again and let out my tummy because I swear to you something inside moved. I prayed, Lord let his abs fail him at the worst possible time please and may he lose his butt and go bald. Okay I was just kidding about the prayer – but I was sorely tempted.
Hold in your belly and stand up straight – those are fighting words buddy. Feel free to kiss my tightly clenched butt cheeks.