How to go Postal at the Gym…or Tell Me to Suck it in Once More & You’ll Be Looking Up From Under the Treadmill

beer-belly-of-fail

Criminy, I told my 6 faithful readers I wouldn’t be blogging much due to my school schedule and where am I?  In front of my laptop writing a blog post.  It’s a sickness I tell you – I have to write – I wish this “sickness” spilled over into my school life because there is some writing due over there and I’m obviously not getting to it.

Why you might ask am I doing this post instead of reading a scholarly (zzzzz) book on intertestamental Judaism and the New Testament?  Why, you might ask, am I not finding it absolutely riveting that early Jewish people in Palestine made their homes out of rock or stone (I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow…no wait that’s the wrong story)?  Because I’m just not in the mood.  I am convinced there is a direct correlation between how much homework I have and how many blog posts I write; the more homework, the more postings.

What I really want to discuss is a little blurb I saw in our paper this morning.  Now this isn’t a small-town local type of paper; it’s a city-wide newspaper that’s supposed to give us national as well as local news.  It actually misses the mark a good portion of the time and it’s waaaay too expensive, but I still get one every day and I’m getting off track here.  Back to the blurb I saw.

This morning’s Lifestyle section had what they thought was a great tip for ladies who wanted to look good. It’s not original to the paper, thank goodness; I’d hate to think they actually had writers this awful, but they inserted this invaluable piece of physiological information into my reading material nonetheless.  It’s so amazing I simply have to quote it verbatim:

“You will look like you have a flat (or at least, flatter) belly if you stand up straight.  When you hunch down, your belly pushes out.  While you’re at it, pull your abdominals in, giving even more of an illusion of flat belly at the time, and creating more of a flat belly in the future by tightening your core.”

To say I almost spit out the cottage cheese I was gagging down at the time I read this would be an understatement.   Someone out there thinks they have come up with a good idea that no woman over the age of 18 has ever considered before:  pull in your stomach.  Oh holey moley Batman, what man said this – if I could find him I’d slap him.

Why do I think a man came up with that?  Because the other day while I was working out at my physical therapy session, one of my therapists (the ultra slim, cute as a button Agador) walked by and with a big smile on his precious face announced to me, “Linda pull in those abdominals!”  Little sh*t – I HAD them pulled in and if I had sucked my stomach in any further it would have blown out my butt.  Oh yeah, at the same time he says to me “Tighten those butt cheeks!”  So I’m pulling in my abdominals and tightening my butt cheeks and my body was so incensed with this double whammy that I got a spasm in the back of my left thigh.  I thought all my internal organs had rearranged as I let my butt cheeks droop again and let out my tummy because I swear to you something inside moved. I prayed, Lord let his abs fail him at the worst possible time please and may he lose his butt and go bald.  Okay I was just kidding about the prayer – but I was sorely tempted.

Hold in your belly and stand up straight – those are fighting words buddy.  Feel free to kiss my tightly clenched butt cheeks.


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5 thoughts on “How to go Postal at the Gym…or Tell Me to Suck it in Once More & You’ll Be Looking Up From Under the Treadmill

  1. “if I had sucked my stomach in any further it would have blown out my butt” Bwahahahaha! OMG!
    ELPH knows all about fightin’ words. When I tried to squeeze between his chair & the wall he said “Suck it in Honey!” I said “It’s my Butt! I can’t suck it in!” Then I slapped him in the back of the head and he moved his chair.
    Oh I’m with you, the chair should be immediately moved without any comments whatsoever. LOL

  2. After 2 C-Sections and a hysterectomy I can truthfully state that it is impossible for me to suck in much of anything in my abdominal area. I was not one of those lucky ones that bounce back to normal after the surgeries. Nope, my body just flat gave up and gave out with my butt to soon follow suit.

    I’ve been in that “suck it in honey” state with Hubby before and he was only dumb enough to say it once after the whooping he got for that one.
    OOOOOHHHH, Devoted Spouse knows better. He’s afraid of me. LOL

  3. I would suck in my belly if I had any muscles to do it. It was a slow insidious process that came in and ate all the muscles in my body. Maybe it was the remote and TV or the computer. I cannot figure out which one did it since I had both of them at the time it started to happen. But I also had quit working and that really made a difference. So to hopefully build some muscles back onto my body I am going to try and make a garden in the back yard and that will have to be my new body building gym.

    Or I could just use all that exercise equipment that just sits and takes up space in the garage and around the house. Maybe I should try my Wii Fit thingy too. But I have to say that since I hurt my shoulder just the thought of exercising makes my brain hurt…..uh wait a minute, I need to do something with my remote….okay back again…..uh what was I writing…..oh all right I started writing this last night and then had to start again cause what I wrote made no sense and so I deleted half of it, not that this makes any sense and I haven’t even had a pain pill yet today. I went to PT today and I barely had any energy to get there. I am not sure why I am feeling so tired and my body is aching almost everywhere. I just could not stand it if I got another flu again. It took me forever to get rid of that last one. Anyway that is why I had to stop writing last night or really early this morning. I actually went to bed at 1 am and at 2 pm I could still not get up. And now I just want to go back to bed again. Jeez, what is wrong with me. Okay, gonna go and lay back down. My arm hurts, and my hand does too.

    God bless.
    God love your heart – life just sucks at the moment doesn’t it? I know – my back and my shoulder and my hip all hurt and I just ran to the store for 20 pounds of ice because the refrigerator/freezer died and leaked all over the kitchen and the water literally came through the pipes down in the basement. Ackkk Acckkk. I feel your pain sweetie, believe me. Things have just got to get better for both of us soon! Gentle hugs!

  4. I was getting my hair cut and my stylist was telling me about her tummy tuck and how wonderful it was. She’s in her 60s and she lifted her shirt, and man, there was the flattest stomach I’ve ever seen, and I keep thinking about that. I can’t imagine not feeling a protruding stomach. I was so jealous.
    I have news for you – I know someone who had it done and it HURTS – so you better have a really horrible saggy, icky tummy before you even remotely think about it. Yikes – I never show my tummy – it’s only my neck and the flapping arms and then the thunder thighs I worry about — that’s enough on my mind – I can’t add my tummy or I’ll need an entire body transplant!

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