Of Cabbages and Kings…

The Knights Who Say "Ni"

The Knights Who Say "Ni"

Once upon a time in the Great Land of Blog in the hamlet of Croneandbearit lived the wise and lovely Queen Croney who ruled over her subjects with wit, humor, and occasional bouts of nonsense.

The peasants in the hamlet truly loved Queen Croney – there was nothing they wouldn’t do for their beloved Queen.  Often to the resounding shouts of “Huzzah, Huzzah,”  Queen Croney could be seen feeding them ice cream and limeade pie.  She even allowed the royal canine EmmaLou to play with the local peasant children who loved to take her for long walks in the fields as it was known far and wide that the royal canine EmmaLou could poop more than any royal canines in other hamlets.  Yes, the peasants loved Queen Croney.

Life in the hamlet of Croneandbearit had been peaceful for many years when one day terrible, appalling, unspeakable horror appeared in the form of gnarly, gnasty gnomes from a far-away land named Hi.  Hi was a horrid place and its gnarly, gnasty gnomes were rumored to eat peasants; to snatch them from the fields where they worked and eat them whole leaving nothing behind but ragged clothing.  It was a time of great worry in the hamlet of Croneandbearit in the mighty land of Blog.

the only good gnome is a dead gnome

the only good gnome is a dead gnome

Lo and behold peasants in Croneandbearit began to disappear.  The remaining peasants were restless and feared that those of Hi had returned to snatch them out of the fields and eat them.  The Queen’s castle courtyard was filled with all the people – peasants, slaves, knaves, ladies-in-waiting, ladies who couldn’t wait any longer, knights in white satin (it was sometimes a moody blues hamlet) and all the scullery maids, squires, and minions begging  for her mercy and help in ridding them of the terrible dreaded Hi.

Queen Croney was devastated at the loss of her peasants and met with her trusty knights, led by the Queen’s favorite, Sir Devoted of Spouse.  “Brave knights, what can we do to stop this terrible plague that has been set upon us?”   No one spoke.  “Surely, brave knights one of you has a glimmer of an idea, mayhap a plan to rid us of these Hi.”  Slowly, Sir Devoted of Spouse stood and addressed the Queen.  “Your majesty, I have a plan, and stop calling me Shirley.”  “Speak, Sir Knight, pray tell me of this plan,” replied the Queen.  “Your majesty, I propose I take a group of your best knights to the fields and lay a trap for the gnasty, gnarly gnomes of  Hi,” suggested Sir Devoted of Spouse.  “We shall dress fake peasants made of straw in the rags of real peasants and draw out Hi and when they come to eat the peasants, we shall destroy them all.”

Hearing no other ideas, Queen Croney sat back in her comfy chair, adjusted her icepacks and pillows,  and took this idea under advisement whilst shooting a perfect arc of Reddi-Whip in the general direction of the royal canine, EmmaLou.

“Sir Devoted of Spouse, I agree to your plan.”  “Take whatever knights and weaponry needed and leave at first light.”  “Destroy those from Hi and save the peasants of our fair hamlet.”  The Queen limped out of the meeting hall with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach (no doubt from indulging in too much Reddi-Whip with the royal canine, EmmaLou.)

At first light, Sir Devoted of Spouse and his squire Riches saddled up with companion knights, Sir Glock, Sir Smith of Wesson, and Sir Ruger and galloped off on their trusty steeds in the direction of the fields; their horses laden down with bales of straw and ragged clothing from pleasant peasants willing to give up their rags to Riches.

A day passed.  Another day passed.  Yet another day passed and no word from the Knights.  Queen Croney was worried and paced her chambers although the pacing was bothering her hip so much she had to call for a special flagon of Ye Olde Rolling Rock to ease her pain.  She paced and worried, worried and paced.  What could have happened and why had the brave and handsome Sir Devoted of Spouse not returned to the castle?

Whilst gazing out the window of her Queen’s Tower, quaffing yet another Rolling Rock, off in the distance Queen Croney spied a lone figure stumbling and limping.  She summoned her Royal Guard to ride out and discover who this approaching figure might be.  As fate would have it, the broken, limping apparition was none other than her own Sir Devoted of Spouse.

Queen Croney took the stairs of her Tower two at a time and ran to meet the returning knight even though her back was just killing her. As she approached Sir Devoted of Spouse, he fell at her feet, mortally wounded.  Queen Croney, fighting tears, leaned down and cradling his head in her lap, gently kissed the forehead of her favorite knight.  She whispered in his ear, “Brave Sir, you cannot die until you tell me what happened – I beg of you kind sir – tell me what happened out in the fields.”

With his dying breath Sir Devoted of Spouse looked up into Queen Croney’s lovely brown eyes and gasped his final words….”My Queen I have failed you.  All the knights are gone and the hamlet is doomed…Hi ate us!”

Crone and Bear is on hiatus but will return soon.

10 thoughts on “Of Cabbages and Kings…

  1. Your Royal Highness,
    I just knew there was going to be a funny twist at the end…LOL what a great tale. You had me reading to the very end!!!
    Enjoy your hiatus.
    Say hello to Sir Devoted Spouse and to EmmaLou for me.
    The Queen shall pass along her subject’s well wishes to the Royal Spouse and the attendant little canine royal pain in the ass. LOL Cya

  2. OMG!!! You are just too special and too funny my dear sweet totally coo-coo for cocopuffs buddy. I absolutely love your sense of whimsy and fun and that was a wonderful tale with a great ending (even if a groaner) and what would I ever do without stopping in and letting you bring a wonderful smile to my face and my heart. Thanks for being you – you totally wacko and I say that with love in my heart I swear. :0)
    Sometimes I make myself laugh – now that’s wacko – but I need a break to prepare for school – have lots of reading and reviewing to do to get ready and I have to clean out my office so I have somewhere clean and orderly to study. I’ll stop in & visit ur blog, never fear; just won’t be putting any new posts on my own for a bit while I study. The world needs a break from me and my nonsense – but I’ll be back never fear. Love ya, mean it.

  3. What a great story! I do not have the storytelling gene. Enjoy your time away. Come back soon.
    Sometimes it is a curse because I cannot stop my mind from coming up with new and bizarre ways to use puns – and then I am compelled to include them in a fairy tale. I used to do this at my work whenever I needed other staffmembers to provide some type of information or something that was needed during a particular timeframe I would weave a fairytale with a pun based on what I needed from them – it got to the point where even my director looked forward to reading these “tales” and then I felt pressured to provide them as entertainment. I guess that qualifies me as a storyteller of some sort, I dunno. Sometimes I think there’s just something wrong with the way my mind thinks! LOL I’ll be back before too long – just need to concentrate on other things as I prepare to return to school. Cya soon!

  4. Hiatus?? Are you serious?? How many hiatus’s has this been for you? Do you think you’re retired or something? *wink*
    How dare you question the Queen of Croneandbearit! Off with your head! It is the Queen’s prerogative to take off as often as she needs. So there. In the vernacular of the Queen’s time: Biteth me. LOL I need to prep for school sweetie – must study and get my head and heart in the right place but I’ll be back before too long I promise. I can’t stop writing – it’s a curse! Plus I’ll come see u @ your place – See? Can’t get rid of me. MUAH!

  5. Crone why do I keep hearing the theme song from “Billy Jack” playing over and over in my mind? You know “One Tin Soldier Rides Away”.

    Was it an African Swallow?
    Does the bunny have gigantic teeth which makes you soil yourself?
    No, it’s simply the sound of one hand clapping…

  6. As I was scrolling and got down to the gnome with the arrow, I started busting out with such a large laugh. I know that a dead gnome is not supposed to be funny, but it was. Anyway I am so glad that DS is back, safe and sound, with a kiss from the Queen, and that Princess Emma is full of whip cream.

    The kingdom is safe and your loyal subjects will patiently wait while you rest, recuperate, and study.

    I must say that I thought you were going to tell us that the wee bunnies ate every plant in the Royal Garden and that DS was going to capture the wee bunnies to send to the Tower. But alas, all is well in the kingdom and the Queen just needs a break, although a little bit of wee bunny stew would be a tasty treat for the Queen. Yummy!!!
    God bless.
    The Queen would prefer to eat ice cream and Reddi-Whip and the livers of any gnomes who cross her. Note well her Majesty is always in the background lurking whether she posts or not…
    May many Blessings and healing come upon you too, my dear friend.

  7. Oh my Dearest Queen Crone , your royal readers whilst thou miss you.. Long Live the Queen and Sir Devoted of Spouse
    You my faithful lady-in-waiting shall be richly rewarded when the Queen returns from her sojourn.

  8. Oh, clever Queen Croney … finally looked up the definition of crone, because I had an inkling, but didn’t really know. Dictionary.com defines crone as witchlike old hag. I’ve seen proof in your prior posts, my dear, and unless you were jesting … you’re no crone. But, crone fits nicely in this story (as would jesting), so go ahead and have your crone & your hiatus, too …
    and others define it as withered old woman, one actually referring to the archaic French for carrion! I found another definition referring to a crone as a wise older woman much like the old village woman who would make the potions and poultices and take care of the ails of the village and I much prefer that definition so I’m going with wise older woman. LOL

  9. Way to much Reddi-Whip! Might see if they have sugar-free……my Queen!
    Sugar free? Did you actually say sugar free?? Off with your head!

  10. Your definition of crone is definitely preferable. Although wise, you’re not old yet!

    Great post!
    Thank you sweetie – I’m so glad ur my blogging buddy – you do my ego wonders! Hugs!

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