Once upon a time in the Great Land of Blog in the hamlet of Croneandbearit lived the wise and lovely Queen Croney who ruled over her subjects with wit, humor, and occasional bouts of nonsense.
The peasants in the hamlet truly loved Queen Croney – there was nothing they wouldn’t do for their beloved Queen. Often to the resounding shouts of “Huzzah, Huzzah,” Queen Croney could be seen feeding them ice cream and limeade pie. She even allowed the royal canine EmmaLou to play with the local peasant children who loved to take her for long walks in the fields as it was known far and wide that the royal canine EmmaLou could poop more than any royal canines in other hamlets. Yes, the peasants loved Queen Croney.
Life in the hamlet of Croneandbearit had been peaceful for many years when one day terrible, appalling, unspeakable horror appeared in the form of gnarly, gnasty gnomes from a far-away land named Hi. Hi was a horrid place and its gnarly, gnasty gnomes were rumored to eat peasants; to snatch them from the fields where they worked and eat them whole leaving nothing behind but ragged clothing. It was a time of great worry in the hamlet of Croneandbearit in the mighty land of Blog.
Lo and behold peasants in Croneandbearit began to disappear. The remaining peasants were restless and feared that those of Hi had returned to snatch them out of the fields and eat them. The Queen’s castle courtyard was filled with all the people – peasants, slaves, knaves, ladies-in-waiting, ladies who couldn’t wait any longer, knights in white satin (it was sometimes a moody blues hamlet) and all the scullery maids, squires, and minions begging for her mercy and help in ridding them of the terrible dreaded Hi.
Queen Croney was devastated at the loss of her peasants and met with her trusty knights, led by the Queen’s favorite, Sir Devoted of Spouse. “Brave knights, what can we do to stop this terrible plague that has been set upon us?” No one spoke. “Surely, brave knights one of you has a glimmer of an idea, mayhap a plan to rid us of these Hi.” Slowly, Sir Devoted of Spouse stood and addressed the Queen. “Your majesty, I have a plan, and stop calling me Shirley.” “Speak, Sir Knight, pray tell me of this plan,” replied the Queen. “Your majesty, I propose I take a group of your best knights to the fields and lay a trap for the gnasty, gnarly gnomes of Hi,” suggested Sir Devoted of Spouse. “We shall dress fake peasants made of straw in the rags of real peasants and draw out Hi and when they come to eat the peasants, we shall destroy them all.”
Hearing no other ideas, Queen Croney sat back in her comfy chair, adjusted her icepacks and pillows, and took this idea under advisement whilst shooting a perfect arc of Reddi-Whip in the general direction of the royal canine, EmmaLou.
“Sir Devoted of Spouse, I agree to your plan.” “Take whatever knights and weaponry needed and leave at first light.” “Destroy those from Hi and save the peasants of our fair hamlet.” The Queen limped out of the meeting hall with a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach (no doubt from indulging in too much Reddi-Whip with the royal canine, EmmaLou.)
At first light, Sir Devoted of Spouse and his squire Riches saddled up with companion knights, Sir Glock, Sir Smith of Wesson, and Sir Ruger and galloped off on their trusty steeds in the direction of the fields; their horses laden down with bales of straw and ragged clothing from pleasant peasants willing to give up their rags to Riches.
A day passed. Another day passed. Yet another day passed and no word from the Knights. Queen Croney was worried and paced her chambers although the pacing was bothering her hip so much she had to call for a special flagon of Ye Olde Rolling Rock to ease her pain. She paced and worried, worried and paced. What could have happened and why had the brave and handsome Sir Devoted of Spouse not returned to the castle?
Whilst gazing out the window of her Queen’s Tower, quaffing yet another Rolling Rock, off in the distance Queen Croney spied a lone figure stumbling and limping. She summoned her Royal Guard to ride out and discover who this approaching figure might be. As fate would have it, the broken, limping apparition was none other than her own Sir Devoted of Spouse.
Queen Croney took the stairs of her Tower two at a time and ran to meet the returning knight even though her back was just killing her. As she approached Sir Devoted of Spouse, he fell at her feet, mortally wounded. Queen Croney, fighting tears, leaned down and cradling his head in her lap, gently kissed the forehead of her favorite knight. She whispered in his ear, “Brave Sir, you cannot die until you tell me what happened – I beg of you kind sir – tell me what happened out in the fields.”
With his dying breath Sir Devoted of Spouse looked up into Queen Croney’s lovely brown eyes and gasped his final words….”My Queen I have failed you. All the knights are gone and the hamlet is doomed…Hi ate us!”
Crone and Bear is on hiatus but will return soon.