DISCLAIMER: THIS POSTING CONTAINS GIRL THINGS INCLUDING DISCUSSIONS OF BOOBIES AND TMI SO IF YOU ARE A MAN AND THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE LEAVE NOW BEFORE YOU GET HOOKED AND MUST FINISH READING THE FOLLOWING TRUE STORY…
A short time ago I made an appointment to have my annual mammogram – I think I might have mentioned it in an earlier posting distinctly remembering that I wished men would have their testicles slammed between two plates so they could understand how uncomfortable this test is. Anyway, it was something necessary and so in I went.
Much to my surprise technology has evolved in the last year and the machine was newer, the procedure didn’t hurt much, and the technician was a total sweetie. We were done in no time at all. Unlike last year where I had to wait forever in the little cold room for a radiologist to read the results before I was allowed to leave, this year the technician told me sweetly to get dressed, go home and I would receive a notice in the mail in one to two weeks with my results. One to two weeks I had to wait to see if something strange was growing in a boobie or two. Well, okay. I went home.
Several days ago I received a phone call early in the morning. I’m not an early morning person and as I recall I hadn’t even had one cup of coffee, Devoted Spouse was glued to his laptop, the tv was on with the early morning news, and I had to hobble over to the phone right in the middle of my morning ritual of fixing an icepack for my back and an icepack for my leg.
I heard what I thought was a very young girl’s voice on the phone telling me she was from some health place somewhere and I had to come back in and repeat my test because they had found voles. What? Prank call – I hung up the phone. A moment later the phone rang and it was the same little girl voice: “Mrs. XXX this is Tina from Health something or other and we got disconnected. The radiologist thinks you have voles and you need to come back in.” Me: “Who are you really and what the hell are you talking about voles…how did voles get in my boobs?” Are you nuts?” Do you even know what a vole is?”
Blechh – I have a vole? I know I spent some time in the woods lately, but c’mon this is bizarre – wouldn’t I know if a vole had burrowed into my boobie?
Okay – I was half asleep and had no coffee and it was not exactly quiet in the family room when I picked up the phone and began talking to helium girl. I was yelling in the phone and trying to wake up when she got louder and said “You have MOLES and the radiologist wants to mark them so he knows they’re MOLES.” “You have MOLES!”
Not voles, moles. I have moles. Those funny little bumpy things everybody gets as they age, not the gross animals that live in the ground moles/voles, but the freckle skin tag kind of things that just appear out of nowhere in the darndest places during menopause. He thought I might have moles. Boy was I relieved. What are you gonna mark them with – a big red X?
So Tuesday I went back in and we went through the procedure again only this time I had teeny little round sticky duct tapey things put on me everywhere there was a vole mole sticking out or up or whatever it is they do as they sit there on your skin. Again, it was easy except for the peeling off the sticky things which are like ripping bandaids that take your skin with them. And again I was sent home with the words, “You’ll get a notice in the mail in the next one or two weeks with your results.”
Sweet merciful heavens I hope they don’t call me in the next few days to tell me the radiologist is concerned and found I actually have swiss cheese boobies and they have holes. It’s not exactly fun having someone put little sticky tape all over your boobs – it was like having Post-It Notes screaming mole here, mole over here, hey here’s another one.
I went home and ate a banana shake w/whipped cream and I’ll be watching the mail…and screening my calls.