Things That Go Bump in the Night


If you are like me you have had entirely enough of the Michael Jackson saga.  It’s sad, but let’s go on now and discuss other pertinent news items.  With one exception.  He really did an excellent job on his video Thriller.  In fact, when it first came out I thought the makeup job was so good (and I was watching it late at night and I was alone in the house), I actually got a slight case of the creeps.  Just a slight case.  But then, I’ve never liked Zombies.  I like Vampires.  I don’t like Zombies.  Vampires bite necks and yes it gets a little messy.  Zombies bite off pieces of peoples’ heads — did you WATCH Night of the Living Dead?  Blechhhhh.  Zombies bad…Vampires good.

Which leads me to today’s topic – it’s another list because I feel like making a list today of things I’m afraid of or things which simply give me the creeps or psychologically upset me enough to turn me into a catatonic vegetable.    I think we all have some interesting phobias…many of us would never ever admit some of the strange or odd things that we either fear or creep us out – so here are a few of mine.  Feel free to make fun of my fears – *laughs maniacally*

1.  This should come as no surprise to my 5 loyal readers as I’ve said it before – CLOWNS give me the willies.  I don’t like the make-up, the bizarre costumes, big shoes, or jerky movements and if they blow up balloons into animal figures, there is a distinct possibility my brain will implode on the spot right in front of all the kids who are having the time of their lives. Balloons are meant to be round or oval and have nicely-colored ribbons hanging from them; they are not meant to look like an anorexic chihuahua.   Since this is pretty much in the same category, I will add MIMES –all  mimes should  be deposited on a deserted island and forever made to do that weird thing with their hands like they’re stuck in a box.  *shivers*   Portraying a mime should be a crime at any time.    Clowns I simply walk away from.

2.  Spiders.  I look for them every night before I hit the sheets.  I look at all the bedding.  I look on the floor around the bed.  I look behind the pillows. I look under the lampshade on the standing lamp next to the bed and I look up at the ceiling.  Spiders are notorious for hiding on the ceiling directly above MY side of the bed, the little b*stards.  I have been known to grab them using twenty five thousand sheets of toilet paper and stuffing their 8-legged bodies into the toilet and flushing repeatedly. Then I will repeatedly lift the lid of the toilet like I have a terminal case of OCD and check  just one more time to make sure they really got flushed and didn’t find their way out of the toilet paper and are lurking on the underside of the toilet seat.   But, this scenario only takes place if Devoted Spouse is not available.  Otherwise, he is Great Spider Hunter.

3.  I have this bizarre fear of lying down on the couch for a nap and having a strange bug crawl into my ear and eat its way through to my brain.  Always, always, always, I wear ear plugs when I take a nap.  I don’t seem to have this fear at night when it’s time to go to bed – just on the couch at naptime.  I think this fear stems from a very bad B movie I saw as a child.

4.  I am scared to death of brussels sprouts — have you ever really taken a deep look at them?  There’s evil lurking in those little things.  Evil, I tell  you.

5.  I’m seriously afraid of deep water – this is no joke – I once came very close to drowning in a swimming pool as a child and I’ve never gotten over my fear of water.  Therefore, I cannot swim.  Of course I have a fat content that would never allow me to sink, so I don’t know why I worry.  Last week on vacation, I got into the hot tub with Devoted Spouse and the water was so high in this tub I couldn’t actually sit my precious butt on the bottom of the tub because the water came up to my chin and freaked me out.  I sat on the step instead.  I am certifiable.  You don’t have to tell me — I know this is ridiculous.  At the beach I will wade out to knee level and I’m done.  Ya’ll have fun out in the waves…I’m goin’ back to where it’s safe in the beach chair and will happily wave to you as the current takes you out to sea.

6.  And finally – I am deathly afraid of flying.  I have had so many harrowing airplane experiences it isn’t even funny.  I’ve had to make emergency landings with foam on the runway; I’ve had turbulence so bad I knew I was going to die and one of my scariest experiences involved sitting in my seat watching mechanics repeatedly walk up and down the aisleway of the airplane.  They finally exited and we took off and I prayed my heart out the entire flight.  I have been know to sing strange songs in my head while flying to keep me from getting out of my seat and running down the aisle screaming.  Strange songs like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans’ Happy Trails – over and over and over.  Anything to keep my mind off the fact my feet aren’t even close to the ground and I don’t know what type of shenanigans are going on up in the cockpit.  C’mon we all saw the movie Airplane.  They don’t shut and lock that door for nothing…

11 thoughts on “Things That Go Bump in the Night

  1. I have many fears too. We should check into the same anti-fear clinic and drink our margaritas and avoid flying. Did I mention I hate flying too but I still get forced to fly on a regular basis? I just keep telling myself….”if you crash, it will all be over with and you won’t have to worry about it anymore”. but then myself says…”but what about those things in my drawers that I really don’t want my children finding when they have the clear out my stuff after I’m gone?” Ugh….it’s a problem. LOL
    Oh thanks a bunch…now I have to go clean out my drawers in case I have a massive stroke overnight.

  2. Did ya ever hear ’bout the snake that coiled up in the commode and bit the man in his testicles?

    Just take a moment and visualize that scenario.

    Anyways, all of your fears are understandable … well, except for the Brussels sprouts thing. It takes a brave woman to admit to that.

    However, on your last post you mentioned that you cheat on Battleship. You are aware that that was one of the reasons bullwhips were invented, didn’t you? Totally unforgivable!

    Your sentence is one year of no earplugs during nap time on your couch.
    One learns early in life to look prior to sitting on the throne; hence the testicular snack may be easily averted – always look; then sit. Simple rule of thumb…or butt.

    I’m humbled by your appreciation of my Brussels sprouts fear because I think out there somewhere is a legion of frightened people who will now stand up proudly and join me in loudly proclaiming this is a warranted fear. *bows humbly*

    Never should have admitted the Battleship cheating – but sometimes it’s good to purge the more evil sins and I’m told this is a bad one. In fact I have been permanently banned from membership in the Battleship Game Society of America and it weighs heavy on my heart. *sigh* I know one day when I reach the pearly gates God is going to go through his book and get to the Battleship entry, shake his head, look at me sadly and then smack me with his cane and make me leave. Did you know he carries a cane? s’true.

    Your sentence is a tad harsh so I’ll be napping in my comfy chair for the short term coz no bug is getting in MY ear — maybe I should just buy a new couch…

  3. I am afraid of heights. I can climb a ladder if it’s necessary but I’m not comfortable doing it. Because of my fear of heights I hate hate hate driving over high bridges.

    I used to be scared of spiders but, now I can kill them when I find them in the house without any problems. I tried top make a deal with them, you stay out of my house and I’ll let you live outdoors. Didn’t work but I keep telling them that.

    Brussel sprouts????!!! Think of them as teensy cabbages. That might help.

    Well, I’m off on my roadtrip tonight so I’ll holler at you when I get home… sometime on the 20th.
    I’m not crazy about heights either – goes along with the flying issue. I don’t like ladders because they inevitably lead to the discovery of a spider lurking in the upper atmosphere. As for bridges, just close your eyes that’s what I do – solves the height issue and makes the trip exciting.

    Teensy cabbages?? Do you WANT me to have a breakdown woman? Just the thought of teensy cabbages, well, I can’t begin to explain how frightening that thought alone is. I have to go lie down now and calm my fears – oh crap I can’t lie on the couch anymore – I’ll just go to my happy place instead…the one with the cabana boy…

    Safe trip love.

  4. Crone it’s because Vampires are sexy. Zombies not so much.

    Brussel Sprouts? REALLY?

    I grew up with WAY too many fears. I am trying to get through them one at a time. I finally mastered my fear of getting hit with a ball. Get your mind out of the gutter dear! I mean a baseball or football. I doubt I will ever master my fear of snakes.
    I’m slowly making my way back from my phobic insanity – I used to be afraid of many many more things. Snakes don’t bother me – I just stay away from them – I once picked up a baby python at a reptile park and held it for awhile – it was surprisingly soft, not slimy like I thought it would be. I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it, though. Sometimes I worry about being hit by a baseball, too, or a wayward hockey puck. Then again most of the hockey pucks I come into contact with happen to live in my neighborhood…

  5. You have a lot of fears I do! Thriller use the scare the crap outta when I was little! Not anymore but clowns still make me shiver. They’re evil looking! And the movie “It!”? I won’t even watch it alone. Freaking clowns scare me. But sissy’s afraid of spiders and wants me to kill even the tiniest one even if I’m in the other room. I guess it’s the same thing as my “bee” fear. Yes, I fear bees and will almost hyperventilate if one is within 2 feet of me. Sad, I know.
    I have even more – I’m also afraid of bees because I’m allergic to them. Ick. Was “It” taken from a Stephen King book – I remember he did a book that had an evil clown and someone gave me the book and I literally threw it in the trash. Clowns are bad enough; evil clowns I’m sorry that just puts me over the edge and into total hysteria. We need treatment, baby! LOL

  6. My only really bad, unreasonable fear, is heights. We went to Grand Canyon a few years ago and I couldn’t walk anywhere near the edge, and it freaked me out watching my family do it. Now I never feared clowns and mimes, but I never saw the appeal. Never. Years ago, a good friend hired a mime at her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah party. My dad was there and he had very limited vision at the time and he called me over and said “who is that annoying person over there?” and it was the mime… And I have to say that I LOVE brussels sprouts. Only the baby ones, tho.
    Alot of people fear heights – I don’t like heights myself but I just try not to look over the edge. I thought all brussels sprouts were baby ones – that’s the point isn’t it…they’re like cabbage progeny? Ick. Alien. Just wrong.

  7. I have no problems with clowns even after reading/watching It and yes it came from Stephen King.

    I HATE Brussel sprouts! I’m not scared of them but I hate the smell and taste of those little buggers but I enjoy cabbage – go figure.

    I don’t like spiders but I’m not afraid of them though I should be. We had relatives that lived in Blythe, CA. one of the hottest hell holes in the desert. Temps of 130 degrees then cold at night. Tarantulas want warmth and creep into the house like their smaller cousins. I woke up with one in bed with me. Scared the ever loving stuffing out of me but thankfully didn’t scar me for life.

    I have a complete fear of falling. Not heights – falling. There is a weird distinction. I can be up high and look down as long as I feel secure like in a sky tram or even at the Grand Canyon where there was railings to hold on to. Get me on a shaky ladder, step stool or worse and I freak out. Hubby has to make a better setup for me to get into our above ground pool because the ladder that came with it is too flimsy for me if he isn’t holding it and I hate it. I feel like I’m too heavy and it is going to break and I’ll fall. Completely irrational fear. Makes me hate roller coasters since to me the sensation is the same as falling. Not a good adrenaline rush for me.

    Show me a fearless person and I’ll show you a complete fool
    I don’t worry about falling – except it usually hurts – oh yeah let’s revisit the ice fall of Jan 09 which I’m still recovering from – yeah, I agree with you – falling is bad, very bad. And I only fell from a normal standing position and still dislocated the shoulder and broke my back. So I’ll give u that one.

    Now I must thank you profusely for sharing the tarantula story with me. You do understand I may never sleep in my bed again, don’t you? I may never sleep, period, just for fear of waking to find a tarantuala on me even thought they don’t normally live in Ohio. Crap on a crutch I love you dearly but please don’t feel the need to share spider stories with me anymore okay? And I won’t talk about falling – you know like when you least expect it…YOU COULD FALL… MUAH! I know we are sisters and one of our mothers lied…I just know it. ROFLMAO

  8. Wow! You and I have a lot of the same fears. I am deathly afraid of spiders. Even if I see a little one, I freak out and almost hyperventilate. It’s funny, about 4 years ago, I had no problem with them. Now, I don’t want to be in the same room with any of them!

    I don’t like clowns either… I think it stems from a movie about evil clowns. I can’t remember the name of it. Even if it looks like a happy clown, I believe it’s plotting an evil scheme!

    Spiders, clowns… evil I tell you!!
    I think we’re long lost cousins somewhere – same fears! Tonight I was in fam room watching tv w/DS and I looked up and saw a spider on ceiling. I freaked. He got the ladder, climbed up, and started laughing like a hyena. Turned out it was a screw coming out of the ceiling of all things — not a spider! He went and got some putty and covered up the screw. I love him to pieces coz he’d climb a ladder to kill a spider for me when all he really wanted to do was eat his pie!!! LOL

  9. There was a girl in my class that was deathly afraid of clowns. Someone put one in a power point slide and she screamed bloody murder.
    Now that’s just mean. I don’t scream at the sight of them I just quickly walk away…quickly. They don’t scare me as much as just make me uncomfortable and I know this stems from an early childhood visit to the circus where my father was holding me and this clown suddenly appeared in my face and my father wouldn’t let me get away from this garishly painted up monster. Now I’m forever twisted in my adult years…

  10. That’s funny! I also have a thing about spiders. When I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I started seeing spiders at night while lying wide awake in bed. Sometimes hundreds of them on the ceiling, or sometimes just one or two that were as big as rats. It scared me so much that I would wake up my husband, who would dutifully get up and search for my imaginary spiders and assure me that they didn’t exist. It was soooooo realistic and freaky. Even today, once in a while I still see them at night, usually just one at a time, and I have gotten up myself and flipped on the lights to make sure that I only imagined it. I’m just fearful of the day when I see spiders, then convince myself that I don’t really see them, only to find out that they are REAL after all! God help me …
    We should form a support group! DS is out of town and I’m hunting high and low every time I enter a room to make sure there are no spiders lurking. Now I woke up this morning with a series of bites on the back of my leg and I’m terrified there was a spider in the bed with me last night so today I’ll strip the bed (I just put clean sheets on it yesterday!) and inspect every inch for spiders. I’m hoping its just mosquito bites from my romp in the backyard last night w/EmmaLou. Ugh – I hate even thinking about spiders – I just looked up at the ceiling to make sure no one was up there… LOL

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