If you are like me you have had entirely enough of the Michael Jackson saga. It’s sad, but let’s go on now and discuss other pertinent news items. With one exception. He really did an excellent job on his video Thriller. In fact, when it first came out I thought the makeup job was so good (and I was watching it late at night and I was alone in the house), I actually got a slight case of the creeps. Just a slight case. But then, I’ve never liked Zombies. I like Vampires. I don’t like Zombies. Vampires bite necks and yes it gets a little messy. Zombies bite off pieces of peoples’ heads — did you WATCH Night of the Living Dead? Blechhhhh. Zombies bad…Vampires good.
Which leads me to today’s topic – it’s another list because I feel like making a list today of things I’m afraid of or things which simply give me the creeps or psychologically upset me enough to turn me into a catatonic vegetable. I think we all have some interesting phobias…many of us would never ever admit some of the strange or odd things that we either fear or creep us out – so here are a few of mine. Feel free to make fun of my fears – *laughs maniacally*
1. This should come as no surprise to my 5 loyal readers as I’ve said it before – CLOWNS give me the willies. I don’t like the make-up, the bizarre costumes, big shoes, or jerky movements and if they blow up balloons into animal figures, there is a distinct possibility my brain will implode on the spot right in front of all the kids who are having the time of their lives. Balloons are meant to be round or oval and have nicely-colored ribbons hanging from them; they are not meant to look like an anorexic chihuahua. Since this is pretty much in the same category, I will add MIMES –all mimes should be deposited on a deserted island and forever made to do that weird thing with their hands like they’re stuck in a box. *shivers* Portraying a mime should be a crime at any time. Clowns I simply walk away from.
2. Spiders. I look for them every night before I hit the sheets. I look at all the bedding. I look on the floor around the bed. I look behind the pillows. I look under the lampshade on the standing lamp next to the bed and I look up at the ceiling. Spiders are notorious for hiding on the ceiling directly above MY side of the bed, the little b*stards. I have been known to grab them using twenty five thousand sheets of toilet paper and stuffing their 8-legged bodies into the toilet and flushing repeatedly. Then I will repeatedly lift the lid of the toilet like I have a terminal case of OCD and check just one more time to make sure they really got flushed and didn’t find their way out of the toilet paper and are lurking on the underside of the toilet seat. But, this scenario only takes place if Devoted Spouse is not available. Otherwise, he is Great Spider Hunter.
3. I have this bizarre fear of lying down on the couch for a nap and having a strange bug crawl into my ear and eat its way through to my brain. Always, always, always, I wear ear plugs when I take a nap. I don’t seem to have this fear at night when it’s time to go to bed – just on the couch at naptime. I think this fear stems from a very bad B movie I saw as a child.
4. I am scared to death of brussels sprouts — have you ever really taken a deep look at them? There’s evil lurking in those little things. Evil, I tell you.
5. I’m seriously afraid of deep water – this is no joke – I once came very close to drowning in a swimming pool as a child and I’ve never gotten over my fear of water. Therefore, I cannot swim. Of course I have a fat content that would never allow me to sink, so I don’t know why I worry. Last week on vacation, I got into the hot tub with Devoted Spouse and the water was so high in this tub I couldn’t actually sit my precious butt on the bottom of the tub because the water came up to my chin and freaked me out. I sat on the step instead. I am certifiable. You don’t have to tell me — I know this is ridiculous. At the beach I will wade out to knee level and I’m done. Ya’ll have fun out in the waves…I’m goin’ back to where it’s safe in the beach chair and will happily wave to you as the current takes you out to sea.
6. And finally – I am deathly afraid of flying. I have had so many harrowing airplane experiences it isn’t even funny. I’ve had to make emergency landings with foam on the runway; I’ve had turbulence so bad I knew I was going to die and one of my scariest experiences involved sitting in my seat watching mechanics repeatedly walk up and down the aisleway of the airplane. They finally exited and we took off and I prayed my heart out the entire flight. I have been know to sing strange songs in my head while flying to keep me from getting out of my seat and running down the aisle screaming. Strange songs like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans’ Happy Trails – over and over and over. Anything to keep my mind off the fact my feet aren’t even close to the ground and I don’t know what type of shenanigans are going on up in the cockpit. C’mon we all saw the movie Airplane. They don’t shut and lock that door for nothing…