My new physical therapist, who resembles one of those troll dolls and one of those Kitchen Witch dolls that used to be so popular, asked me to lie belly down while she gave me electrical stimulation. I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, and I looked up and said, “Excuse me? You want to do WHAT to me?” I thought perhaps seeing as it was very early in the morning and I had only gulped down a half cup of coffee there was a slight chance I was in the wrong place and something kinky was about to take place.
She smiled and explained calmly that she was going to hook up electrode thingies to parts of my back where my muscles were so tight and that this would electrically stimulate the muscles to relax them and also add heat to the area to help calm the inflammation. Aha, I thought. She’s going to use something similar to a TENS unit which sends electrical impulses. Got it. Understand. No problemo. Bring it on.
So Brunhilda proceeded to hook me up (literally) and then placed warm and heavy heating pads on my back and I promptly went to sleep. That is until what I thought was a homeless man stumbled into the softly lit room and climbed up on the table next to me and turned toward me and grinned.
Ick-poo. Dirty, hadn’t shaved, mouth hanging open, Neanderthal. Cruel, but truly, I simply wanted someone to hook him up to the electrical thingie somewhere in his face so he would stop staring and drooling at me. Gah. I turned my head the other way and tried very hard to listen to the soothing music playing in the background (one of those classical CDs with the sounds of the ocean in the background — makes you want to both be at the beach and pee at the same time). But he kept making sounds like a dog with a bone stuck in its throat. My twenty minutes couldn’t go by fast enough. By the time I was done, Neanderthal Man had left the room and I was hoping not to see him ever again. If he shows up regularly during my scheduled sessions, well, I’m going to have to do something about the calendar.
After the treatment there was some light stretching of my legs and feet and then Brunhilda wanted to do an ultrasound of my hip as there is quite a bit of pain in that area too. Of course at the mention of the word “ultrasound” I’m thinking if she finds a baby dolphin or heaven forbid worms swimming around in there I’m toast. She patiently explained that this was a different type of ultrasound, that it was like a warm massage – and then she spread this warm lotion on my hip and started moving the ultrasound thingie all around my hip, and I promptly went to sleep again. I’m seeing a pattern here.
The good news is when the session was done, I felt better. I walked better and with less pain. It is now late in the day and I still am feeling less pain than I did this morning. In the words of the immortal Martha, “it’s a good thing.” Still, I’m happy and looking forward to getting some good results from this round of physical therapy. In all honesty I like Brunhilda, she’s a very nice lady and I know she will try her hardest to help me heal, but let’s face it…she’s no Agador Spartacus by any stretch of the imagination. *sigh*
The only way I can sum it up is to say….I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it. Can anyone out there identify that line?