If I Thought It Would Work…

the-tapeworm-cycle

The picture above will give you an idea of how desperate I am at the moment.  It explains the cycle of tapeworms.  It is my understanding that tapeworms in humans eat what food you have in your stomach, thereby causing you to lose weight.  I have gained 2 pounds in the last week alone and I’m having strange thoughts of how EmmaLou and her love of eating little rabbits (I know it’s sad but true) could maybe bring a tapeworm to my door and I could slap that little goober in a sub sandwich and gobble it down.

These are the rantings of a desperate woman.  I’m so desperate I started a food journal on Saturday.  I have listed everything I have eaten – breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner.  Except for the snack  — I lied and put down a  fiberbar – then went back and got the little Office Depot paper white-out gadget and covered up fiberbar with the truth – I glommed down a small bowl full of peanuts and choc chips (peasant trail mix).  Okay – so kudos for me – I actually listed it in my food book.  Now I want to slit my throat because it’s there in front of me constantly mocking me.  Thank Gawd it wasn’t something totally destructive like cookies. Had I eaten cookies I would have unfortunately spilled something onto that part of the page I’m sure.  Like  Clorox or nail polish or anything else which would have obliterated the truth.

Gah.  I  come from good sturdy Irish and German peasant stock.  I understand I will never be model-thin.   I remember as a teenager my dad remarking one day that I walked like I had a plow in front of me – great remark for self-esteem – thanks Dad wherever you may be. Why couldn’t I have been born of tall, thin royalty?

Today I look like the girl on the right:

I would prefer to resemble the girl on the left.  I think the food journal is a good idea – if you have to  list honestly the food you put in your mouth you might become a little more aware of just how many empty calories are being consumed.  I think that’s a good thing and I’m going to work on this. I’m a bit concerned about the Office Depot white out machine, though. No…I’m going to have a good attitude and be positive.  I’m positive if I don’t hide my car keys I’m going in search of cookies…

I always said  (just jokingly of course, don’t send me hate mail) that it would be nice to have just a touch of anorexia or a touch of bullimia – but unfortunately I can’t turn down food and I’ll be damned if I’m going to hurl it back up voluntarily.  I think the tapeworm is the best idea so far.  I wonder if it would be good with a nice spaghetti sauce on it…

You know when I quit my toxic job over a year ago I dropped almost 30 pounds from not having stress and from not sitting in a cubicle constantly eating breakfast burritos and Twinkies.  Then while I was recuperating from my injury I dropped 10 pounds (now I don’t know if that was because I was too upset to eat, or it was too hard to eat with my left hand, or it was Devoted Spouse’s cooking – (I’m voting for the last idea because Devoted Spouse just George-Foreman’d his little heart out and always had healthy meals ready for me). We all know… that’s the secret – healthy meals in small portions.  And maybe a tapeworm or two hidden in the cabinet just in case…

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10 thoughts on “If I Thought It Would Work…

  1. When you figure out the whole tapeworm thingy I’m all in. I swear JR has one and that is why he can eat Fritos and cashews with a beer chaser every freaking night and not gain an ounce.
    It has to be easier and safer than gastric bypass (I’m not fat enough to qualify and I refuse to gain 70 pounds just so I can) – I know they can get them out of you – they de-worm dogs, don’t they? I think I’m onto something here. One tapeworm – for about 2 weeks out to do it — instant 20 pound loss. I’m doing the food log thing (Gawd it’s hard to actually write down the words spaghetti and garlic bread) and I’m also using a salad plate instead of a dinner plate to help control my portions. And no, I’m not going back for seconds. This dieting thing just sucks. I’m going to the Middle East or Germany or somewhere where they like women with meat on their bones – but no flippin’ burqas.

  2. For some reason I can’t find your email address in my stuff. Could you send it to me? I was going to send you my new address.
    It’s on the way.

  3. I’ve gained several stress weight pounds since the MIL took her fall. So I feel for ya! I just hope my dress still fits so I can wear it at the writers conference Banquet. I will try it on this week and see. Now that’s scary.
    Oh darlin’ I’m so with ya on this. I once gained stress weight before a fancy function – and my lovely top to my lovely outfit gapped as I tried to close it. So I ripped off the buttons and sewed a fancy grossgrain ribbon that attached to both sides of the top through a series of hooks underneath the layer of fabric I had attached to the ribbon. I had a gorgeous top that held together – it was one of a kind and it looked like a designer outfit – I got complimented and no one knew what I had done. Try a day or two of nothing but lean protein (cottage cheese, lean burgers on a George Forman Grill, eggs, fish and all in small portions) and lots of water – that’s what I do and I can drop 2 or three pounds fast. That might help. Good luck.

  4. Oh my – how many times have I uttered “If only I could have a little case of anorexia…!”
    Reading your blog is a great way to start my day!
    thank you Cheryl – what a lovely compliment!

  5. nonononoooooo,
    I saw on TV once what a tapeworm looks like. It’s a real ugly thingy.
    Have you tried going out for a walk each day? My neighbor lost 20 lbs doing that.
    The back spasms will not allow me to walk further than about half a block or from the front of Target back to the Pharmacy – that’s how screwed up my back still is – so exercising by walking is simply out of the picture. I can’t even do the treadmill without my back siezing up. I go to the Dr tomorrow for a re-evaluation of these spasms – he’s had me on Valium since Feb and that apparently is not the answer. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

  6. I’ve always thought being a bulimic would be great. I’ve got the binging part down but that pesky purging is the problem. I can’t “purge” even when I’m sick. Ugh……The tapeworm wouldn’t work for me. They look too much like snakes. YIKES!
    I swear at the moment I would eat snakes or worms if it would make me drop another 20 pounds. Gah.

  7. btw, I kid….I kid…about the bulimic part but not the tapeworm part. No hate mail for me either, please.
    Not a problem – we always have to use these disclaimers don’t we — we know we’re kidding but the rest of the world doesn’t. ……so how long have you wanted to be bulimic? (just kidding!!!!!) LOL I’m such a flippin’ stitch.

  8. Sorry, I look like the girl on the right and think I’ll stick with ” “attractive, fun-loving and sensual” as that sounds like a much better package to me than “foxy” does. Foxy is fleeting, unlike the other qualities. :0)

    I’m not saying that I wouldn’t love to lose the 20 pounds I gained back after a medication change, but I’m not going to obsess over it since life is too short.

    Now ask me about this after we go on vacation and I’m in a swimsuit and I might change my mind.
    I want YOUR attitude – I understand about what meds can do to your weight and you just have to accept that – I gained weight from thyroid med and that will never change. Middle age sucks sometimes but it beats the alternative.

  9. Why does it have to be so damn hard! Would it make you feel better if I told you that I have something special for you over at my place?
    You always leave me nice goodies and I haven’t even officially acknowledged the last award you gave to Crap on a Crutch. I’m having major problems with that site and I’m so pissed off and frustrated I can’t stand it. I may just cancel the whole thing and put it on Blogspot. My life sucks today. And you think I’m funny and witty? Boy have I got you fooled! Although you may like Tuesday’s blog posting…MUAH

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