Vern Where Are You When I Need You?


First off let me say I wrote this posting early Thursday and somehow WordPress never saved it – so here I am reconstructing it and I don’t have the short term memory skills for this.  Gah.

This is a pic of my house that I’ve posted before — it’s an average house in a  middle class neighborhood – we’re not that insane over making sure each blade of grass is even (as evidenced by the dead bush in front) but it’s a nice house and I’ve enjoyed it and it makes me happy.  At least until I can sell it and move south where it never has ice.


But right now I’m not feeling it’s the outside that matters…

First I was having a pretty good day until I came downstairs and noticed what a mess the family room couch was.  The new sheet I had bought to cover the cushions was just everywhere so I took it off and noticed about an 8 inch rip in the middle of the sheet.  EmmaLou at it again.  Here she is laying on the sheet on the kitchen floor – you can see the light space by her face; that’s the amazing rip.


Of course that meant I had to go out to my favorite store Bed, Bath, and Way Beyond to find a heavy bath sheet that might help protect the couch cushions.  Gah.

I got home and put the new beige bath sheet on the couch and I was so proud of how nice it looked.  Okay it’s not designer anything – just a comfy family room, but it made me happy.

cleancouch1Like I said, not fancy but my home is comfy and my style is eclectic – some very nice pieces, some antiques, some older, cheaper stuff all mixed together – it’s a home ya know?

Well, I made the mistake of going outside and I saw my neighbor (Mr. Lawnmower Man) across the street so I walked over to talk to him.  He had recently had his countertops all replaced and I wondered if he was happy (we need to do the same thing at our house) with the work.  He invited me in.  I almost had a stroke. I have never seen such a beautiful home in my life (they have a ranch style house unlike our two story).  Everything was perfect – it was immaculately clean, everything either matched or complimented and I thought for sure I was in a decorator’s showhouse.  It made my stomach hurt.  Well his countertops are Corian and they are drop dead gorgeous.  I got the card for the company and plan to call them after we install the new oven so they can fix the countertop around that oven.

But I swear to you I will never let my neighbors into my house – never.  Their house is Vern Yip;  mine was done by these fellas – they came in as low bid.


Of course I came home, started throwing things in bags to give to the Vietnam Vets organization, throwing out junk mail, straightening pillows, looking at the hundred or so books stashed in the living room and the end table next to my comfy chair which has taken on a life of its own as far as storing crap.  Now I want to sell or give away all my furniture, rip out all my carpeting, repaint all my walls, paint my kitchen cabinets, install chandeliers, buy new draperies (or anything but the sheers I whipped up on my handy dandy scary sewing machine).  I’m in the depths of decorator depression.  I even have a housecleaner in once every other week and still my house looks like overstuffed crap – too many tchotckes and books, and way too much furniture.  I’m so depressed. At least I have curtains on the front door so if my neighbor shows up I can hide and not open the door.



10 thoughts on “Vern Where Are You When I Need You?

  1. I’m sure glad I didn’t have a cup of coffee or there it would go again. I LMAO at this. Your house is beautiful by the way and certainly not the average middle class home in my book. Love your decorators. Are they still in business? I could use the help.
    Thank you – it is a pretty home on the outside – but gah do I need to clean up my act on the inside if my neighbor’s house is any indication of how real people live. I thought everybody was like me – things don’t always match – the newspaper is on the table along with two days’ worth of mail – there might be a dish or two in the sink. Now I feel like such a slob. I’m hitting the valium tonight that’s just all there is to it.

  2. You have a beautiful home! Zeus is known for his amazing rips too and decapitated “babies”. At least my bedroom looks like a semi-college person’s bedroom. Besides the amazing mismatched curtains. I am far from a decorator.
    Not matching things is very in style now so see? You could be a decorator!

  3. Oh, puh-leeze. You have those nice cushions on your sofa – I have a smelly, rumpled dog blanket (any blanket that comes into the family room immediately becomes the dog’s). You have a nice coffee table with a decorative basket and a bowl of apples in the middle of the family room – I have 12 various video game controllers, some smelly size 8 Converse sneakers, 2 shredded paper napkins, a slightly dog-eared copy of Playboy and a limp chew toy covered in dog spit. The shelves in your breakfast nook look orderly – at least the books are all standing upright. Mine look like a landmine went off in the Library of Congress.

    You can just come over to my house; it will make you feel ever so much better about yours.
    Yes dear I do have a nice coffee table (that’s a ship’s hatch from a World War II Liberty ship by the way) and it has a pretty basket and a bowl of apples on it — what isn’t in the picture it the horrific pile of newspapers, bills, misc junk mail and magazines that I grabbed off that same table and tossed over into the corner behind me before I snapped the pic!!! I am not going to get caught up in this keeping up with the neighbors, I swear I’m not – I am going to clean out a little more clutter and then just realize that it’s MY home and this is how I like it!

  4. Compared to your house mine looks as though it resides in shanty town.
    I don’t believe there is a single surface in my house that doesn’t have at least one book on it, and my bookcases are so jammed that they threw up into several large baskets, and now those baskets are overflowing.
    My couch wears a disguise because it’s ashamed to be here and it helps to keep the pups from digging holes into the cushions. Careful when you sit down there may be a Nylabone or three underneath you.
    I think we’re all about in the same boat (or dog house) I have dog toys everywhere and I swear there are books in every room – but I love my books and refuse to give them up. Maybe my neighbor can’t read??

  5. Your neighbor’s house sounds like my daughter and SIL’s house. It is nicer than anything that we’ve ever had and the two of them are super-duper- neat freaks, heck you could eat off their floors if you needed to. I have never been that neat and organized and never will unless someone else does the housework. I have pets and there are too many things I want to do that doesn’t involve cleaning.

    My house isn’t nearly as bad as the ones you seen on “Clean House” or the British show “How Clean is Your House?” but I won’t win cleanest house on the block award either.
    My house is the only one I know of around here where you don’t have to take off your shoes when you come in (unless you stepped in something) – honestly I took off my shoes across the street and it was so clean I just wanted to go put my shoes back on, come back in their house, and track dirt everywhere just for spite! LOL I want to clear out some excess furniture and fix a few things (today we bought a new furnace and air conditioner OUCH) but I’m not going to get goofy over how my house looks. If you come in unannounced you take your chances that I might have my homework and all my research work strewn all over the end table next to my comfy chair in the living room and that’s just too bad!

  6. This hits too close to home. It reminds me of my son’s room when he moved into the basement. Your house is beautiful, though. I’ll have to get those two fellas over to my house. 😉
    I guess I just have to learn to accept my faults and clutter is one of them. I’d be happy to send my two decorators over to your place but I heard a recent rumor they have been incarcerated – something about moonshine? LOL

  7. Haha….this made me laugh, especially the picture of your “decorators”. I think those are the same fellas that did mine in Oklahoma. Had to whisper around them with those radar ears, except I told them to “remodel” and they thought I said “demolish”. Ugh.
    I gotta stop working with low bidders. My new idea is to cover everything with sheets and tell anyone who comes into the house we just arrived from our winter home and haven’t uncovered the furniture yet. Yeah, that should do it. I’ll just cover everything. Or I could ‘tent’ my house like the exterminators were coming in. Then no one would see the mess inside and Devoted Spouse and I could just slip through the plastic strips around the door. Ugh.

  8. It’s your HOME. Decorate it any way you want and don’t worry about how it stacks up to the neighbors. I’ve come to the conclusion that people with perfect houses are boring. You aint boring, sistah!
    No, I’m not boring, I’m flippin’ lazy and that’s why my house doesn’t look the way it should so I’m on a new kick to clean out each room and eliminate what we don’t need. First I’m going to read a book and take a nap. The heck with the neighbors and their perfect home. I’d be afraid to sit on their furniture – at least you can live in my home!

  9. Hi Cronie,
    I think Lawn Mower Man needs an enema.

    BTW, gorgeous house. In the NY area, it would easily fetch $2.5 million, even in today’s market.
    I agree some type of high colonic might make him see the light!!! Holy crap Batman, $2.5M? Wish it was in NY. In this area many houses are selling for alot less value than the owners originally payed and that’s considerably less than I’m willing to accept considering the tons of money we have put into this house and the features we have added to it. So Devoted Spouse and I will stay longer than I want — I may just have to rent a condo for January and February to hide from the nasty ice around here so I don’t take anymore tragic tumbles!!

  10. You have an amazing home! So beautiful. There is no way in heck I wouldn’t be proud of a home like yours.

    Of course the grass always looks greener on the other side. I always find someone who has something I want and don’t have. Annoying isn’t it?

    Well, thank you very much – it’s just a good picture. You should see my neighbor – I was going to take a pic of his house but I was afraid he might think I was stalking him. Yes, we are never satisfied and I’m working very hard on that aspect of my life these days – I have too much stuff – I’m cleaning out and de-cluttering and giving family things to the younger members of the family to enjoy – why wait until Devoted Spouse and I die? That’s just dumb. Give it away now so it can be enjoyed. Anyway – nice to see you – I’ll come over for a visit soon!

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