I’m Thinkin’ Astroturf

Another piece of machinery bit the dust here at Chez Croneandbearit.  Devoted Spouse was doing his lawnguy thing and came inside for a drink of water.  I casually asked him how it was going and he told me, “Not well, there is smoke coming out of the lawn mower.”  I ventured outside to see what he was talking about figuring it was probably no big deal.  It was a big deal.

Out in my driveway there was a lawn mower burning — lots of smoke and pieces parts melting, but no actual flames shooting out.  It wasn’t a pretty sight nor would it finish mowing the grass anytime soon.  This stupid piece of crap was going to die a slow, horrible, stinky, potentially firebomb-dangerous, black smoke kind of death on my driveway.  Gaaaaaa…

Devoted Spouse did the manly thing — he stood there and stared at it, turned the lawnmower over on its side to stare at it some more, poked the underbelly with a screwdriver, then righted the machine, then turned it over again.  Did he get the fire extinguisher out and spray down the lawnmower so it wouldn’t explode if or when the gasoline ignited?  Nope, just watched it smoke and poked at it, assuming it wouldn’t actually blow up into some type of raging inferno.   

The complete annoyance of this thing melting down in my driveway was more than I could handle. Cranky from working on a research paper and wading through the world’s most tedious biography of a 4th century theologian, I didn’t have time to mess with this.   I got my car keys, hopped into the car and took off down the road clutching my Home Depot credit card in my sweaty hands leaving Devoted Spouse standing in the driveway yelling, “Do you want me to go with you?”  Nah, I’m good with this.

At Home Depot the first sight my eyes beheld (beheld?) was the 5 remaining lawnmowers next to the thousand snow blowers (it is, after all, the first day of fall and what better time to get out the old snow blower?).  Looking for help, I noticed a young man in his requisite Home Depot apron standing at the corner of the aisle – he turned to me and asked if he could help me.  He was wearing an eye patch and I simply lost all semblance of normalcy.  The first words out of my mouth were, “Arrrrrgh, matey, my lawnmower walked the plank and I need a new one.” Patch boy didn’t find me funny, and I may never be allowed back in Home Depot again, but he did find me a lawn mower.  Gee, it was on sale for only $300.  Ouch.  I slapped down my credit card and headed home w/the new Toro model whatever.

Devoted Spouse unloaded the new red Toro, fed it some oil and gas, and merrily took off for lawn areas unmowed.  I went back to the biography from Hades knowing I had saved the day yet again. 

I shudder to think what’s next…


2 thoughts on “I’m Thinkin’ Astroturf

  1. A moment of silence for your lawn mower…


    Pave it and paint it green!
    You don’t know how much I want to do just that! If we were going to spend the next twenty years in this house, I’d buck tradition and change the grass to a mixture of gravel paths and drought tolerant plants, but I need to be able to sell this property in a few years so we can REALLY retire. Drat the luck!

  2. Only $300?? Our lawn tractor with zero turning radius (Hubby had to have) ran us that plus a zero. I’ll take your lawn if you take my acreage. We are getting too old and broke for this sh*t and grown son won’t take it over – he hates to mow, and we only mow 3 out of 10 acres. Piece and quiet comes at a price.
    We always want what we don’t have – I’d love to be sitting on 10 acres – ahhh the peace and quiet of the country life — but I don’t want to mow it, either! $300 doesn’t seem like much, but I had that money earmarked to pay Concrete Jeff a down payment on the new mega-bucks concrete front porch he’s putting in next weekend. It’s always something, ya know?

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