The style section of my local paper tells me it’s time to shop for a swimsuit. I can think of nothing in the world that I want to do less than shop for a swimsuit. I would rather go to the dentist than try on bathing suits.
According to this article, I should pick a swimsuit that shows off the parts of my body I like and hides the not-so-good parts. Using this strategy I’m left with searching for something that shows off my hair or my nose or maybe my hands because the “not-so-good parts” are pretty much anything torso-related from my neck to my knees. This is not sounding like such a good idea.
Another suggestion is to “bring along a true friend; one who will honestly tell you how you look in that suit with the boy shorts.” Frankly, I wouldn’t put any of my friends through this unless they were really depressed and in need of a good laugh. Or, “find an honest salesperson who understands the product they are selling.” Just what does a salesperson need to understand about a swimsuit? Are we talking tensile strength here? Must salesladies memorize statistics on the amount of fat spandex can hold in for any particular swimsuit?
This season it’s all about vibrant colors, prints, and one of the biggest trends in bathing suits is metallic gold. Seems to me the last thing anyone wants to see is a large woman heading for the water in a metallic gold one piece — that’s not a swimmer, that’s a rhino coated with rustoleum.
Think I’ll skip the beach and head for the mountains.