Much like the five stages of grief popularized by the renowned Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, this blogger has determined there are recognizable stages of retirement. In fact, I have already progressed through the first few stages. For the benefit of those who retire after me, I will list them.
Stage 1 – The 10:00 a.m. on a Weekday and I’m Shopping Stage – Signs you are in this stage include massive facial grinning, writing checks and having to ask what the date is, and visiting a store you don’t usually frequent simply because you can.
Stage 2 – The It’s Sunday Evening, 4 Inches of Snow are Expected by Monday Morning, and I Don’t Care Stage – The first sign of this stage is snuggling into bed secure in the knowledge that you don’t have to clean off your windshield or coax your snow blower to life at dark-thirty in the morning. Another sign is experiencing maniacal laughter while collecting the morning newspaper and catching snowflakes on your tongue.
Stage 3 – The Let’s Read Every Book Ever Published Stage – This stage can be somewhat painful as it entails parking in a recliner for long periods of time while various body parts go to sleep. Be warned – this stage can also lead to an excess amount of napping. Those attempting to read War and Peace may take longer to successfully complete this stage. (And, yes, for those who care, I’m still on Page 10 of aforementioned book.)
Stage 4 – The I Will Never Wear that Outfit Again as Long as I Live Stage – This stage is particularly popular with Goodwill Industries, AMVETS, and other charities. Be prepared to take the dress shoes out of the box/bag and return them to the closet several times before finally getting rid of them. Do not under any circumstances let any athletic shoes be donated; only shoes with heels. It takes a few tries before successfully letting go of the beloved canvas monogrammed attaché you have been attached-to at the hip for so many years. Be patient.
Stage 5 – The I May be Ready for a Part-Time Job Stage – Don’t panic; not every retiree experiences this stage. It is there if needed.
While I’ve been offered several jobs since I retired, I am going to skip Stage 5 for now. I’m having too much fun visiting Stages 1-3.