So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

pic courtesy of http://www.ronneantarcticexplorers.com/penguins.htm

Thursday was my final session of physical therapy for my back.  I knew I wanted to do a blog about these folks but I have jokingly referred to them in the past – there’s of course Agador Spartacus (Paul), Officer Sam (Samantha), and my precious little Chunky Monkey (Steve) or I sometimes call him a cuter James Belushi.  Quick note to Steve:  Chunky Monkey is not meant in a mean way – on the contrary it is a compliment.  Why you may ask?  Because Steve has the most amazing personality and such a sense of humor and he’s silly and compassionate all at the same time — he can be an imp – and that’s close to chimp and well, he has this adorable little tummy on him (I know he’s gonna get teased about this – sorry swee’pea!) and my Devoted Spouse also has a little tummy and well, I just Looooove men with little tummies – so Chunky Monkey is a term of endearment. I just love the stuffin’ outta you, Steve.    Whew – got that one explained.  Now you all know why I call Paul Agador – it’s coz he reminds me of the actor Hank Azaria (although he just doesn’t see it)  and he’s just cute as the dickens (“clench those butt cheeks, Linda”)  (“kiss my butt cheeks, Agador”)      And  Sam is Officer Sam coz she really read me the riot act one day when I had overdone the activity and I could just envision her in the police outfit with the handcuffs (whoa up – don’t go down fantasy road) – but she cracked the whip on my activities is what I’m trying to say.  She is the sweetest lady around.

Anyway – these folks have gotten me through the painful rehab of a dislocated shoulder and then the painful rehab of a broken back and all told I’ve spent 9 months with them.  They became like family to me.  We laughed and we cried – okay I’m the one who cried.  Steve and Paul were always nice enough to say it was the lights up in the ceiling that were too strong and made my eyes water.  Simply said, I couldn’t have made it through this personal injury hell of mine without the tenderness and kindness of these folks – and that includes those who helped me with my exercises, Lori, and Kristen who always made sure I didn’t bang my head on anything or break any of their equipment.

So because I know my 6 faithful readers expect something at least slightly humorous from me I’ve decided to give all of you some of the wisdom I’ve gained from these past 9 months of physical therapy.  In fact I’ve made you a little list.

1.  Please bathe before you go to PT – they will make you exercise and to start out smelling bad and then sweat while exercising is just plain cruel and these people don’t get paid nearly enough to sniff your stinky body.  Shower first.  Drowning yourself in perfume is not the solution.

2.  The night before you go to PT kindly refrain from eating beans or any cruciferous vegetable, whether or not you have eaten a bottle of Beano prior to your meal -  trust me don’t eat anything that will cause your body to go into severe Toot-mode prior to your appointment.  These folks twist you, pull on your limbs, put your legs over your head at times, and contort your body in all kinds of positions that just begs to push out air — and when your PT is telling you to clench your butt cheeks, he’s talking about general muscles while you may be thinking I’m clenching and if you only knew why…   Trust me – no chili the night before – ever!  And no breakfast burritos either!

3.  Don’t b*tch at your exercise coach when she tells you to do 3 reps of 10 each.  Yes, it seems like torture and yes, it IS torture at times, but it will help you.  I’m just thankful my Drill Sergeant there (Carol) never told me to “drop and give her twenty” because there were times I felt she might do just that!

4.  Don’t think for one minute you can tell them you did your 3 reps of 10 when you’ve only finished 2 reps of 10 because these people are flippin’ psychic – they KNOW what and how much you are doing.  It’s creepy.  I learned early to add one or two more times on the bar or a few more leg pushes just to keep them happy — 5 minutes on the bike?   I always gave at least 6 if not more.  So there!  I did my work.  But they cruelly always turned the tv on to Regis and Kelly and the rest of us had to exercise while looking at the ripped arms of Kelly Ripa (who actually should be force-fed in my opinion and made to always wear long sleeves).  Talk about incentive.

5.  When they give you exercises on a nicely printed sheet of paper to take home and perform – do that — take the paper home, study it, and do the exercises.  Don’t wad it up and play ball with your dog.  He will get the exercise; not you.  Although there were times I looked at the paper and WANTED to wad it up, I never did.  Nope – I DID those exercises and I’m STILL doing them (I hate the new bridges Sam, whine, whine).  I sound like somebody’s mother when I say this and I can’t believe I’m going to say it anyway:  This is for your own good – so follow through!

6.  Don’t push them; don’t tease them; don’t piss them off.  These are highly trained individuals and they can put your limbs where you will never find them again – do everything they tell you and do it with a smile on your face.

7.  Always bring them something good to eat – they may live a healthy life-style but we ALL know an occasional blueberry muffin is good for the soul.

That’s my list and I’m stickin’ to it.  If you ever find yourself in my neck of the woods and you need physical therapy these are the folks to see – my friends at OrthoAdvantage - and now to introduce the team themselves:

Hank Azaria look-alike Paul

Officer Sam

Chunky Monkey/James Belushi but he lost the mustache YAY

So, that was my team – and I love them all dearly for their wonderful treatment of me.  I’m going to go do some exercises now and then eat some yogurt – oh joy, the life of a recovering broken backaholic is just one fun thing after another.  BTW if you don’t understand the title of this posting (and I’m really disappointed in those of you who don’t get it), go Google Douglas Adams coz you’re obviously not an enlightened fan of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent…

No, that’s not me, but it might as well be.

You see Monday I went to my church fully intending to volunteer at our newest Food Pantry.  When I arrived I was told that all they needed was someone to lift the heavy bags of groceries and stack them on the shelves.  Well, gee, I can’t lift anything over about 5 pounds (at least I’m not supposed to) – so they didn’t need me at the Food Pantry,  I thought I could hang around and help sign people in, or pray for someone, but nope they weren’t interested.

Instead I was sent to the sanctuary to stuff the chairbacks with the little comment cards and pens.  Okay.  I don’t mind what I do as long as I’m serving.  At the time it seemed a simple task and a calming one as I was the only person (most of the time) in the sanctuary so I had time to think, pray, hum, sing a little and just enjoy serving.  What I didn’t realize was I was killing my back and leg muscles by bending, twisting, and the constant up and down motions between the seats.  I managed to get an entire section done – I don’t know how many chairs – I’m going to guess around 200 maybe?  Took me a couple of hours, but when I was done, every chair back had envelopes, two different types of cards, and working pens and they were all nicely arranged.  I was happy with my job, said my goodbyes and went home.

By last night I was hunched over and could hardly walk.  I was on a combination of icepacks and heat and I ended up taking several Valium and 2 Percocet before bed.  Yikes.  What had I done?

Tuesday morning I hobbled into the Torture Chamber of Horrors and saw the look of extreme displeasure on the face of my Physical Therapist.  I had to explain to her that I just sort of overdid the volunteer thing.  After doing my exercises, she worked me over good, pulling, pushing, twisting, contorting and pressing on sore spots till I was exhausted.  I fell asleep on the table while having an anodyne treatment.  But I walked out of there better than I walked in.

Unfortunately Queen Physical Therapist pretty much put me on house arrest for the next month.  There isn’t going to be any volunteering – I’m lucky she’s allowing me to attend upcoming classes at church in September.  So I guess I’ll have more time to study, craft, and relax with the occasional outing to Target thrown in for good measure.  But no more bending or twisting or lifting.  I now know what to call her – Officer Sam.  I had Agador Spartacus first, then Chunky Monkey, now I have the able ministrations of Officer Sam to get me back in shape.  And we only have 7 more visits under insurance in which to accomplish this task.

At least she didn’t cuff me…

You Want to Do WHAT to Me?

My new physical therapist, who resembles one of those troll dolls and one of those Kitchen Witch dolls that used to be so popular, asked me to lie belly down while she gave me electrical stimulation.  I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, and I looked up and said, “Excuse me?  You want to do WHAT to me?”  I thought perhaps seeing as it was very early in the morning and I had only gulped down a half cup of coffee there was a slight chance I was in the wrong place and something kinky was about to take place.

I hear and obey

She smiled and explained calmly that she was going to hook up electrode thingies to parts of my back where my muscles were so tight and that this would electrically stimulate the muscles to relax them and also add heat to the area to help calm the inflammation.  Aha, I thought.  She’s going to use something similar to a TENS unit which sends electrical impulses.  Got it.  Understand.  No problemo.  Bring it on.

So Brunhilda proceeded to hook me up (literally) and then placed warm and heavy heating pads on my back and I promptly went to sleep.  That is until what I thought was a homeless man stumbled into the softly lit room and  climbed up on the table next to me and turned toward me and grinned.

stop staring at me!

Ick-poo.  Dirty, hadn’t shaved, mouth hanging open, Neanderthal.  Cruel, but truly, I simply wanted someone to hook him up to the electrical thingie somewhere in his face so he would stop staring and drooling at me.   Gah.  I turned my head the other way and tried very hard to listen to the soothing music playing in the background (one of those classical CDs with the sounds of the ocean in the background — makes you want to both be at the beach and pee at the same time). But he kept making sounds like a dog with a bone stuck in its throat.  My twenty minutes couldn’t go by fast enough.  By the time I was done, Neanderthal Man had left the room and I was hoping not to see him ever again.  If he shows up regularly during my scheduled sessions, well, I’m going to have to do something about the calendar.

After the treatment there was some light stretching of my legs and feet and then Brunhilda wanted to do an ultrasound of my hip as there is quite a bit of pain in that area too.  Of course at the mention of the word “ultrasound” I’m thinking if she finds a baby dolphin  or heaven forbid worms swimming around in there I’m toast.  She patiently explained that this was a different type of ultrasound, that it was like a warm massage – and then she spread this warm lotion on my hip and started moving the ultrasound thingie all around my hip, and I promptly went to sleep again.  I’m seeing a pattern here.

The good news is when the session was done, I felt better.  I walked better and with less pain.  It is now late in the day and I still am feeling less pain than I did this morning.  In the words of the immortal Martha, “it’s a good thing.”  Still, I’m happy and looking forward to getting some good results from this round of physical therapy.  In all honesty I like Brunhilda, she’s a very nice lady and I know she will try her hardest to help me heal, but let’s face it…she’s no Agador Spartacus by any stretch of the imagination.  *sigh*

me soon I hope

The only way I can sum it up is to say….I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.  Can anyone out there identify that line?