Out of the Mouths of…Husbands

Reacting to my aching back and the fact I announced I was about to carry some loads of laundry to the basement, the conversation went like this:
Me:  I’m gonna take down some laundry in a little while.

Devoted Spouse:  No, you’re not.

Me:  Oh, yeah, I am.

Devoted Spouse:  No! You can’t carry down; you can’t carry up…but…you can karaoke.

Seriously, this is my life…sigh…

The Attack of the 80 Foot Gallbladder

pic from National Archives

I was enjoying a lovely breakfast of pancakes and bacon at my local Bob Evans when I realized I wasn’t really hungry.  Leaving half my food on the plate, I left and went about my day.  Errands, errands, ooh ice cream, errands, come home & read a book.  Pretty normal day for me (minus the ice cream).

We had a guest in the house; a guest who was like family, but a guest nonetheless.  I started feeling rather wonky around suppertime.  Wonky as in “If I inhale many more food fumes I will hurl.”  I made dinner for Devoted Spouse and our guest and retired to the bedroom to rest.

I thought a nice tv show might get my mind off my queasy tummy.  Turning on the tv, I landed on the Food Channel and promptly ran to the bathroom to hurl.  By that time I was pretty sure something was amiss.  The guest and Devoted Spouse were still enjoying their dinner, grrr.

A little voice told me, change your clothes…put on clean underwear…brush your teeth and do something with your hair.  I think it’s a girl thing.  A stupid girl thing because by that time I was all sweaty and there was no chance of doing anything with my hair.  sigh

At 10:00 that night, I walked into the kitchen all hunched over and looking a lovely shade of grey (no…not Fifty Shades…) to the horror of our guest and managed to scare the puddin’ outta Devoted Spouse.  I announced, “Hospital, now!”  The guest was concerned, Devoted Spouse was very concerned (and looking for car keys) and I was searching for a knife large enough to cut out Freddie Kruger (who I was sure was living in my belly).  It was not pretty.

Almost six days later I had been in two different hospitals, been sedated for a gnarly test involving tubes down one’s throat into the gallbladder (ack ack) and had a virtual munchkin stranger suck out one of my major organs leaving me with four rather painful holes and something disgusting hanging out of me called a drain.  (oh ack squared) (you may hurl now).

So that’s what I did on MY summer vacation kids. Even if you desperately wish to lose weight (I’m down 20 lbs now) I suggest you not try this.  It’s right up there with abscessed teeth…or maybe being run over by a truck.  Yes, the bills are arriving daily.  We’re over $22,000 at present.  Didja miss me?  sigh…

Pharmaceuticals Are Your Phriend

pic courtesy everydayhealth.com

“…What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.” (Friedrich Nietzsche, The Twilight of the Idols, or How to Philosophize With a Hammer)

I once saw that aphorism rendered in calligraphy on a yellowed piece of paper tacked up on the wall of a diner and thought to myself, “what a piece of crap.”  I’ve mellowed with age (sort of) and that little witticism certainly applies to me lately during my recent bout of sniffling, sneezing, wheezing, hacking, respiratory nonsense.

Do any of you actually read the flyer included in the drugs your doctors prescribe for you?  I did recently.  Wish I hadn’t.  The cure may be more dangerous than the disease.  To fight a nasty cough, my doc prescribed a wicked cough remedy…you know, the kind that comes hidden in that nasty pineapple-flavored syrup.  (Gag)  Being the dutiful patient, I took the prescribed dosage and, while waiting for the horrid taste to leave, I read the enclosed warning for this drug:

“Possible side effects include constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth (throat, or nose), excitability, headache, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness or anxiety, trouble sleeping, upset stomach, vomiting, or weakness.  If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. Contact your doctor immediately if you experience difficulty urinating or inability to urinate; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucinations; seizures; severe dizziness, lightheadedness, or headache; stomach pain; tremor; trouble sleeping; or vision changes.”

I went to bed that evening, anxious over the side effects of what I had just swallowed.  Tossing and turning, I awoke in a sweat thinking I had to pee.  When I got to the bathroom nothing happened.  Oh no.  I nervously went back to bed.  My heart was hammering in my chest.  Strange dreams infiltrated my mind and I thought at one time I saw Jesus, but it was just a pile of clothing on my bedroom chair.  Dizzily, I climbed out of bed again and trembling, staggered to the bathroom sink for a glass of water as I was parched.  I took a few aspirin for my pounding headache, chewed a handful of Tums for my suddenly upset tummy, and crawled back to bed, tired and weak.

The following morning as I was ready to take another dose, I realized I was having difficulty reading the label.  Crap.  No, really…crap…sigh.

How to Lose Weight and Save Money… Sort of

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year are over kids.  The bills are waiting to be paid, and those pesky holiday pounds are sitting on our butts waiting to be dealt with.    But wait — there is help available.  In fact, my daily newspaper  recently published an article on how to lose weight without losing a lot of money.  Yay. 

Reading the article, I am heartened to find that eating at home will help me peel off these pounds.  Hmmm, seems to me I ate those Christmas cookies at home.  Perhaps the idea here is not to buy that 4 pound container of cookie dough at the grocery store.  I’ll be sure and shop the perimeter of the store, too, since that’s where the fresher groceries reside   But wait…I need teabags.  Let me  just tip-toe into one of the inner aisles, grab a box of teabags, and flee before the boxed puddings attack me.

According to the article  to lose weight one should “sip savvy”.  Well, if I knew what savvy was, I’d sip the dickens out of it to lose these 4 pounds.  After looking all through the beverage section, I found no refreshing beverage called “savvy.”  I did locate the red wine. 

The paper’s helpful hint here  is to drink seltzer.  Have any of you actually tasted “seltzer”?  The only description coming to mind is…blechh.   This article claims seltzer is refreshing  and I can decorate it just like a mixed drink or even dye it (dye it???).  I think not.  I believe I’ll just keep sipping my glass of red wine.  The seltzer will come in handy when EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, whacks her tail into the wine glass and hurtles it across the floor. 

To further save money, the writer has this neat idea that we all cut out cable and instead spend our TV time outdoors.   Ah yes…the great outdoors beckons.  I’ll just peek into my neighbor’s window and see what’s on their cable.  Hey!  What’s that revolving blue light in the driveway?

While I found the  article mildly amusing, I about fell out of my comfy chair when I turned the page.   There in bold type with a stunning picture was the following headline:  “For a splurge, try bacon-cheddar quiche.”  The recipe called for flour, real butter, eggs, full-fat cheddar cheese, bacon, heavy cream and – are you ready?  LARD.  Conveniently left out was any nutritional information such as the caloric content.  I’m guessing a healthy slice  probably exceeds the daily calorie requirements for two or three Sumo wrestlers at the very least.

One page all about getting rid of holiday pounds cheaply and easily; the next how to pack them back on.  I love my local newspaper…sigh…