That Blank Look On My Face Does Indeed Have a Meaning, Dear

I’ve discussed communications in a marriage before.  I have another example I want to share with ya’ll.  This won”t take long but it’s a good thing to know.

Devoted Spouse now has another volunteer job at our church — one afternoon a week he goes to one of our branch churches and hangs out around the computer lab in case someone using a computer has a problem.  He does this for about 3 hours at a time – usually from around 3pm to 6pm.

Coincidentally on the same day he has this volunteer position I attend a class at church which starts at 7 pm meaning I leave my house around 6:40 or so.  So sometimes I see him come in as I am leaving and sometimes we miss each other.

This evening he walks into the house earlier than usual — in fact I was scarfing down a really bad chicken pot pie as he arrived.  He said and I quote:  “Reinforcement arrived early.”

I looked at him with the thousand-yard stare and said (using my ultra large vocabulary), “Huh?”

He repeated…”Reinforcement arrived early.”

One more time, I stared at him as my eyes glazed over and said, “What?”

I truly had no flippin’ idea what his statement meant.  Really.  What was being reinforced and why was it here early?

I finally in total frustration probably raised my voice just a tad and said something to the effect of , “What the crap are you talking about?”  What reinforcement — is the Cavalry here?”  WTH?

What he meant was that someone at the church had arrived to take his place at the next shift so he could come home early.  Well why in the blue blazes didn’t he just say that?  Because he thought I would understand his shortened version.

I didn’t.  I walked away in total frustration thinking that, yes, I had gone over the edge because I couldn’t understand a simple statement made by Devoted Spouse.

Later I simply requested of him…”The next time you say something to me and I give you the thousand-yard stare, for the love of Gawd, don’t keep repeating what you already said.  Find another way to express yourself so I understand what you are trying so hard to tell me.”

Discussion over.  Communication failure solved.

Sometimes it’s the simple stuff that is the hardest.

Marriage and the Art of Communication Part 2

Gen and Mrs. George B. McClellan from Library of Congress

Maybe it’s holiday stress, or maybe it was just a matter of me being in the right place at the right time to witness communication in progress.

Devoted Spouse and I went out to run some errands and as we came to a stop light there was a van ahead of us.  Pulling up behind the van I noticed a woman driving and a man in the passenger seat.  What really got both our attention was these people were MAD – the man was flailing his arms and he was making a fist and it was directed at the woman in the driver’s seat.  She, in turn, was obviously yelling by the way she was moving – and then she would put her hand out and touch the man as if to calm him down.  It didn’t work – he became angrier and I got to thinking it was a good thing he had a set belt on else he might have become airborne.

I found this episode morbidly fascinating, albeit a bit frightening.  I wondered what on earth had happened to make them so angry that this man was becoming violent.  I wondered if the lady was going to be able to make the left hand turn or was I doomed to sit behind them as they paid attention to their fight and not to the road.

She turned and I followed — not too closely mind you.  The van made a right hand turn at the same street we were headed – luckily as we turned into the bank, she went straight.  I wondered most of the day what happened to this couple.  Nothing was on the evening news about any domestic violence calls in our community and there were no reports of murder.  I was thankful.  But still I wondered what on earth had gotten them to that point.

I found an article on relationships authored by relationship coaches (who also happened to be married) entitled The Reasons Couples Fight and it listed 5 reasons and how to overcome them.  I thought I would share this valuable information with you — and perhaps comment just a bit on each one as they relate to my own successful relationship with Devoted Spouse.  Call this, my advice Christmas gift to you on relationships – and yes, I’m qualified on the basis of  being happily married for over 26 years now.

So…Reasons Couples Fight

1.  Old Fears Surface

Well, this can be true.  The relationship coaches mention former broken hearts and how that can impact your current relationship.  What came to mind for me as an old fear was spiders.  One of the reasons my marriage works is I am afraid of spiders and demand that Devoted Spouse routinely kill them and then flush them down the toilet.  Again, the marriage is successful because he does just that with any spiders I happen to come across.  Be proactive about old fears.

2.  Not Feeling Loved, Valued, Understood and Appreciated

Taking your spouse for granted can be a real marriage killer.  Luckily for me I laid down the rules from the beginning; I was to be treated like the princess I am and Devoted Spouse readily agreed.  He lives up to all my expectations by valuing me and appreciating me on a regular basis.  He also takes care of me when I am sick or injured (remember the Ice Incident of 2009?) and he delivers my coffee daily along with the paper.  Oh, I feel loved.  I take care of him, too.  I buy him his favorite things to eat even though they would make a maggot gag — things like Vienna Sausages.  Now there’s no reason on God’s green earth to have Vienna Sausages in your house, except that Devoted Spouse likes them and I want him to be happy.  I value him and appreciate him; hence the Vienna Sausages.  *shivers in disgust*  Am I understood?  Oh hell no – but that’s another post.  Is he understood?  See prior answer.  *giggles*

3.  Not Making Their Relationship a Priority

This one reminded me of the Bud Light commercial about the couple sitting at an outside cafe and the young woman asks a series of oh-so-stupid questions making her partner choose between her and something or someone else.  When she gets to his Bud Light or her, he hesitates and she leaves.  Well, duh, what did you think would happen when you asked your partner to choose between his beer and you?  Stupid girl.  I would never ask Devoted Spouse to choose between me and something or someone else.  He knows better.  He would always choose me – it was in the “pre-marriage Princess talk” discussed earlier.  I’m first.  Deal with it.  Same goes for him.  I choose him over everything.  Except….nope, that’s another posting.

4.  One or Both People are Made to Feel They are Wrong

Well, crap on a crutch, this is easy.  They are.  And don’t blame me because statistically it’s the man.  The trick to a good relationship is for the man to know from the very beginning that he is always going to be the wrong one; admit it, and press on.  He can think whatever he wants, but outloud he’d best be saying “You’re right, honey, what was I thinking?”

5.  Not Healing Your Heart After a Previous Relationship

I think what these relationship coaches are advocating is not to get into a rebound relationship.  That makes sense.  They suggest you take time to heal your broken heart prior to jumping into another relationship.  I tend to agree and I think the judicious use of cabana boys is a definite good first step to healing.

That’s my advice to all of you – now, in my earlier posting my buddy Mrsupole suggested something I had left out – great and vast amounts of wild sex — unfortunately she didn’t specify who you should be having that sex with and I started thinking about Tiger Woods, and well, I’m staying away from the sex advice and sticking to other forms of communication kids.  If you want sex advice apparently Mrsupole is your lady…or maybe that, too, is another post?

Marriage and the Art of Communication

Okay not all couples live Gone With The Wind type romances – many of us are married folk who have been together for many years and in those years we have learned what each other’s facial expressions mean, how to finish each other’s sentences, and the art of succesful communication in general.

But sometimes we goof a little.  Take the other day for example.  Devoted Spouse and I were standing in the kitchen playing with the new coffee pot I had brought home and while standing next to him I said something to the effect of, “I am SO done with you.”  He turned around and looked at me with this puppy dog look on his face as if I had just asked him to pack his bags and get out of Dodge.  Actually I was referring to the fact I had finished buying his Christmas presents.  For some reason I expected him to understand this, because I had been having this conversation in my head about Christmas.  I simply forgot he couldn’t hear what was going on in my head (and that’s not a bad thing).  So, of course, I quickly amended my statement to “I am SO done with your Christmas presents.”  The puppy dog look left his face.  Successful communication often involves thinking quickly on your feet or moving your feet quickly to get out of the way.

Here’s another example of how to communicate.  One day last week Devoted Spouse had a doctor’s appointment and at that appointment he had to give some blood (ick).  So when he came home there was a bandage on his adorable little arm where they had leeched him (just kidding about the leeches).  Now, Devoted Spouse knows I have a problem with some bodily things — like blood, especially his.  And I’m very squeamish about bandages and wounds, and even the smallest bandaid if ripped off in front of me can reduce me to tears.  So what does he do?  When he finally realizes he still has the bandage on his arm he starts chasing me, pointing to the bandage and making ripping sounds.  Isn’t that cruel?  I might have started yelling…things like, “Ack, dont’ rip that thing off in front of me!” Or I might have said something like, “Rip that bandage off in front of me and your clothes are going out the bedroom window.”  He kept joking around with the bandage and I kept yelling.  Louder and louder.  EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, figured this was a new pack game and she joined in the fun and frolic by running in circles around us, “Gimme the bandage, dad, I want the bandage, I love bandages.”  She would have eaten it, too, had she been given a chance.

This went on for some time until I finally convinced Devoted Spouse it was no longer funny (it hadn’t been funny to begin with) and if he ripped off that bandage and I fainted, hit my head on something and died, I would come back and haunt him forever.  He went upstairs, out of my sight, and did whatever it is he does with used bandages.  I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to watch it.

It’s all about communication and getting to the point where you can say anything and your spouse or partner will understand.  Sometimes communication is as easy as finishing each other’s thoughts outloud.  Sometimes it’s a bit more forceful, as in “Touch that last cookie and tomorrow I have the locks on the house changed.”

Always keep the lines of communication open.  Be ready at a moment’s notice to fully explain what you meant to say.  And if all else fails, get your spouse’s mind off whatever subject is getting heated — toss them a beer – fast.  Then go shopping.  And remember to bring home a surprise.