I Feel the Need to Post But I Got Nothin’ But a Dog and a Crutch

I feel compelled to post something for Thursday – I’m not doing the theme thing this week – forgot to sign up.  Yeah, it’s been that kind of week – I think the appropriate word is scatterbrained.

May just be that I have cabin fever from all the bad weather.  Although I did venture out into the frozen tundra today and it wasn’t bad – the worst part was my neighborhood.

Last night a Good Neighbor fired up his Super SnowBlower Deluxe Extreme for Big Kids and blew out a path around our mailbox (and that of the guy across the street) so the mailman (who I don’t like but that’s another story) could drive his funky little mailtruck close enough to actually get the mail into our mailbox.  What a nice gesture – I called the Good Neighbor’s wife and said thank you and now I feel obligated to make something to take over there – but she’s the Housewife we all love to hate – she cleans, she bakes, she goes to the Wives Club meetings, she plants flowers that live  – and I love her dearly, but anything I make will be substandard and no doubt dumped in the trash.  I’m going to do it anyway as a gesture of neighborliness.  I know what!!! — I’ll make some greeting cards for her – I bet she doesn’t do stamping (although she does a lot of sewing) – I’ll think of something.

Anyway life here is relatively quiet.  I have nothing very funny to report except the way Bob Costas looks at the Olympics – what’s up with his eyes and his hair?  He can’t seem to move his face – I think the doc tightened up the skin just a tad too much perhaps.  And his hair was black and is slowly lightening up each time I see him.  Is the dye washing out ya think?  I got a little perturbed at some of his comments, too – he seemed to make a big deal of what other people were wearing — hello, Bob?  Look at yourself first.

Nothing new on the EmmaLou front – she’s relatively quiet and being good and that in itself is a little frightening.  Sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Or paw in her case.

I’m still working on my collage challenge -hopefully I should finish Thursday coz I’m about ModPodged out.  I was standing in the kitchen the other night with Devoted Spouse and I had dried ModPodge all over my hands and I started screaming about the blister on my finger and right in front of him I grabbed the skin (it was ModPodge) and started peeling it off and yelling and it totally grossed him out.  I felt like I was about 8 years old and I liked it.

Speaking of DS he just brought me an English Muffin with cherry preserves on it.  Whatta guy!  I attended a class at church tonight and came home hungry – part of the problem is today is the first day of Lent and for Lent I have given up chocolate candy/cookies (coz I do that every year) and this year I have added something that will be difficult for me (because I think that’s the point) and that is I am giving up red meat for the next 40 days – yup – the carnivore is gonna do without red meat.  Now I’ll be happy to report occasionally on how that’s working for me, but there is a distinct possibility you may figure it out by the tone of my upcoming postings.

Do you read blogs based on categories?  I don’t but I bet others do.  So for this post I think I’ll pick some weird categories just to see if I get anyone different and they read something they don’t expect.  I’m really bored.

That’s it for me kids.  I’ll try and be funnier later.  For now I’m gonna go back to making fun of Bob Costas.

Germs? In My Home? I Don’t Think So….

this nasty pic of Salmonella from http://www.righthealth.com

An article the other day alerted me to the fact my home is covered literally in nasty germs; germs that could potentially make me very sick.  Great, something else I have to put on my list of worries.

Germs.  I wash my hands all the time but apparently that’s not enough — now I have to wash my hands while simultaneously singing several stanzas of Happy Birthday to You or some other song so the soap has enough time to actually kill the germs.  Then I wipe my hands on a towel I’ve already used.  Shoots that clean theory right out, huh?

“Gretchen the Immaculate” comes in every other week and goes top to bottom scrubbing and sanitizing my house.  Unfortunately I have seen some of her “cleaning” methods.  She uses my dish towels to wipe things down like my kitchen counters after she has used my “dish sponge” to do the cleaning.  Yikes – that’s like just grabbing a big old fistful of Salmonella and spreading it around like you’re making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I’ll have germs on whole wheat for lunch, thank you…with a side of virus to go -  – yum.

When we come home to our “clean” house, the first thing I always do is throw all the dish towels down the basement stairs for the laundry; the second thing I do is take the kitchen sponge and dampen it and pop it in the microwave for about a minute and a half on high to sanitize it.  And the third thing I do is get out the Clorox Wipes and wipe down every “touchable” surface — light fixtures, the top of faucets, toilet bowl handles, remote controls, all doorknobs and every other surface I can get a wipe to wipe.  Did you know one of the dirtiest spots (aside from your remote control) is the keypad on your Microwave?  No lie.  I’m getting to be an expert at where these little buggers hide.  I Clorox-wiped my laptop keyboard the other day — had a hard time with the spot where the quotation key used to be – didn’t want to get any minute amount of liquid down in there or I’m toast for typing.  So now everytime I use the hole that serves as the quotation mark button, I worry about what obnoxious disease I may be introducing to my fingers.  Wait a minute, my nose itches; OH NO, I TOUCHED MY FACE.  They always tell you in capital letters not to touch around your nose or eyes – yeah, like don’t think about pink elephants.  Ya thought of ‘em, didn’t ya?  Bet you scratched your nose, too.  Germ-spreader.

I’m becoming a germophobe and it’s not pretty.  At church I try not to touch people – although I do give out hugs – I just try not to get too close (except for this past Sunday but that was another special story I”ll share another day).  And as soon as I’m back in my car, out comes the antibacterial stuff in the little container and goop gets dropped in my hands and put on my steering wheel, inside of the door handle, and the gear shift.  One day while I was still working, one of my cubemates dared me to put some of the germs goop in my mouth to sanitize my mouth.  Of course being the idiot I am (and always looking for a laugh) I did it.  Didn’t work – my mouth wasn’t any cleaner and it was weeks before the taste of a weird greasy-like Pledge substance actually left my mouth.  Of course my breath was lemony fresh but I digress.   This germ thing  is becoming so obsessive it’s just this side of out of control.

Go ahead, call me anal.  Call me obsessive compulsive.  Call me a nutcase.  I don’t care.  The flu is not visiting these premises this year if there’s anything I can do about it.  Now if I could just figure out how to hold my breath successfully for long periods of time…

I do this because I suffer from an immune system that thinks flu and cold germs are its friends — an immune system that invites in e.Coli and Salmonella and all other types of nasty things to my system for a party.  C’mon down, Linda’s immune system is now open for business.  Gah…..

I’ve been sniffling and sneezing alot the last two weeks — I thought it was a cold but I think it’s just the change in weather here and allergies kicking in.  My immune system is setting the table already with the chips and dip just inviting the germies to gather so I’m taking a Defensive Stance and eating bucketfulls of Vitamin C and Vitamin D and lots of fresh fruits, veggies, protein, and water.  I’m also eating alot of fish.  I’ll probably drop dead from mercury poisoning or from the amounts of weird birth control drugs that are showing up in tap water, but at least I’m trying.

I’m not even going to mention the possibilities of germs from EmmaLou the Golden Destroyer – she’s what I nicely refer to as a self-cleaning pet…and then she plants one on me – right on the lips – YUK – dog germs (as Lucy would say).  So far, she hasn’t transmitted anything to us – but I know that many times she finds her own butt rather fascinating, so ’nuff said there.  Germs.  Little buggers everywhere.

Clorox likes me so much they send me coupons.  I think I’ve made their stock go up because I invest in so much of their product.  Clorox is a great cleaner – just watch your skin, your carpet, anything that might lose color like your Golden Retriever – yikes – and oh yeah, it works a real number on the nasty weeds the neighbor behind me is allowing to grow through my fence – I just surreptitiously go out there at night and pour Clorox over the fenceline.  Muahahahahaha.  Take that you crazy man!

So don’t forget to wipe down all your surfaces with a disinfectant – and stay out of the doctor’s office coz I know from past experience that place will make you sicker when you leave than when you first walked in. Achoo!  Oh crap…