Out of the Mouths of…Husbands

Reacting to my aching back and the fact I announced I was about to carry some loads of laundry to the basement, the conversation went like this:
Me:  I’m gonna take down some laundry in a little while.

Devoted Spouse:  No, you’re not.

Me:  Oh, yeah, I am.

Devoted Spouse:  No! You can’t carry down; you can’t carry up…but…you can karaoke.

Seriously, this is my life…sigh…

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up – Really

The scene is my kitchen fairly early in the day.  I’m standing at the counter putting away some dishes in the cupboard.  Devoted Spouse is at the sink working on something that I can only barely see in my peripheral vision but I hear funny noises….

Devoted Spouse:  screech, screech, squeak, scrape, screech.  “Wow!  That really DOES work. “

Me:  Looks over and sees a man and one of his many penknives.  What is odd about this scene?  He is scraping this penknife against the ceramic bottom edge of a coffee cup.  He’s honing his knife on my coffee cup….MY VINTAGE FIESTAWARE COFFEE CUP…GASP!

Devoted Spouse:  screech, screech, “Cool.”

Me:  “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN’ MIND…DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH??????””

Devoted Spouse:  “what?…”

Grabbing the coffee cup from his hands I realized he is spending entirely too much time on those strange online survival forums and chat rooms.  Now I have to lock up my china…sigh…

Sex and Anatomy – Got Your Attention Yet?

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Midlife Slices did a hysterical post on Mattress Tango the other day and it got me to thinking about relationships and just how different the attitudes and priorities of men and women are.

Now Devoted Spouse and I have been together almost 26 years and while we aren’t boring, we’re not the type of hurry up, run in, shut the door behind, you and rip off your clothes type of people any more.  We haven’t quite reached this stage, but I thought it was funny so I’m adding it in:

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Now if this is TMI you might as well stop reading because there’s a chance this posting could get even more personal.

I left a comment on Midlife Slices’ blog about how men think with their penises (are we sure the plural isn’t peni?) and we all know it’s true and always has been and always will be.  I’m positive  that particular part of their anatomy is responsible for the discovery of radar, sonar, and any other tracking device some male scientist discovered since the penis is the original tracking device.

Now having said that I must also comment on my dear Devoted Spouse’s somewhat warped sense of humor because again it centers around anything to do with going to the bathroom, having testicles, or a penis.  Unbelievable what this man finds is funny.  I’m glad he’s laughing but there are other humorous aspects of life it seems to me.  I find a comedy bit done by Lewis Black to be hysterical – I find a comedy bit done by ventriloquist Jeff Dunham hilarious and I could listen to the humor of Emo Philips for days on end and never stop laughing.  Now Devoted Spouse thinks these people are funny, too, but if they threw in the occasional joke about a penis he would be on the floor in hysterics.  I simply don’t get it.  Would someone explain this to me please?

Yesterday we were in the medical facility where I was about to get an MRI on my back.  I was filling out forms and one of the questions was “Do you have a penile implant?”  Devoted Spouse cracked up and said “check yes and see what they say”.  What is wrong with this man?

You know how you go to the doctor and the nurse always asks you “Why are we seeing you today?”  During one of my last visits, Devoted Spouse actually said to me, “Tell her you are there because one of your testicles has dropped.”  Again, what is wrong with this man?

Or is it me?  Am I not laughing in the right places?

Not to change the subject much, (this is still somewhat about sex) but the other day there was an article in the paper that stated Ohio (where I live) had surpassed Chlamydia cases of those anywhere else in the U.S.  I had just awoken and hadn’t had my first cup of coffee yet and so I reacted with…” Well isn’t that nice, at least Ohio is first at something.”  Then it dawned on me that Chlamydia is a venereal disease and my pride in my state was just shot to hell.

I guess it’s just me.  At least I’m thankful I have a Devoted Spouse with a sense of humor, scatological, anatomical,  or otherwise.  It could be worse he could be regaling me with knock knock jokes.

I don’t tell anatomy jokes – I don’t really know any – but if I had to come up with something funny that involved a penis these would certainly qualify:  Devoted Spouse – these are just for you sweetie!