Ewww It’s Like Peeling Sunburned Skin…Cool

courtesy of The Elephant Art Gallery

So I’m working on a collage, an art challenge by Scriber’s Web and I’m using this decoupage glue stuff called Mod Podge.  I have used it in the past when I work on my Easter eggs and want to decoupage a picture or when I do a larger decoupage craft project.  But I had forgotten just how much mess it makes and how much fun it can be.

The idea behind the collage is to take some canvas and Mod Podge on some paper and do some artwork or fiberwork or pretty much whatever you want.  My collage is starting to take shape and I think I may like it enough to hang it up in my crap craft home office, particularly since I am using the same colors that are in my home office — yellow, brown, gold and a little blue.  I won’t tell you the subject of my collage but ya’ll know me — I’m no flippin’ artist.  I chose my subject and we’ll just have to see how it turns out.  I will send a pic of the finished project to Scriber’s Web and she can choose to publish it or she can fall on the floor, and wet her pants as she laughs hysterically at my definition of art.  (I’m betting on the latter.)

Anyway – I had forgotten how much fun it is to just dig into an art project and get yourself all gooey with Mod Podge and pieces of paper sticking to you (and your dining room table, yikes).  But the most fun of all is letting this junk dry on your hands and then slowly peeling it off your fingers — it’s just like the skin from a sunburn but there’s no pain.

I love it when I get to be a kid again.  It doesn’t happen nearly often enough.  sigh…

… and yes, the painting above was done by an elephant.  Now I’m really worried about my collage.  LOL  Go see more here:  http://www.elephantartgallery.com/paintings/9016.php

So Many Coupons, So Little Need

This subject has been discussed before here at Chez Crone and Bear It.  Since it has deep psychological implications, it  needs to be revisited.

I have 327,455 coupons for 20% off at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I have about 32,250 coupons for half off at Omaha Steaks with more appearing on an almost daily basis in my email.   There are at least 8,272 coupons for various types of Progresso Soups, Campbell Soups, Healthy Choice Soups, and boxes of Lipton Soups.  I have clipped millions of Pizza Coupons — Papa Murphy’s, Papa John’s, Papa Ooomowmow, LaRosa’s Pizza, Marion’s Pizza, Pizza Hut, Pizza House, Pizza Hole-in-the-Wall.  You need some discount veggies?  I have cents-off coupons for every type of vegetable known to man;  be they canned, frozen, or wrapped in Saran Wrap in the back of Vinnie’s Vegetable Emporium and Crab Shack.  I hoard flyers from Trader Joe’s and Jungle Jim’s and all my local grocery stores in case there may be an errant coupon lurking in the pages somewhere.

Coupons have become a new craft for me; an artistic endeavor – they are my refrigerator art.  I eagerly await the Sunday paper so I can clip out hundreds of coupons for food I don’t even like and will never buy but I cut them out anyway because there is an expiration date 6 months in the future in case I change my mind (or tastes).    Then I take all these colorful pieces of recyclable paper and hold them together with cutesy plastic clips.

Use them?  No.   Most never leave the house.  Every once in awhile I will re-visit a coupon, find I actually wish to buy the product and happily discover the expiration date is still in the future.  Then the difficult part is to actually place that coupon in my purse or wallet or checkbook and remember to take it out again and present it to the cashier at the store.  It’s exhausting work for 25 cents off a can of something that the store has jacked up 50 cents in anticipation of you using a coupon.  Whew!

What is this compulsion to cut out coupons I rarely use?  I have no clue — it’s obviously some deep-seated need left over from childhood although I don’t recall my stepmother ever using a coupon at a store.  Then again we had a limited diet with few processed foods – the stepmother made most foods from scratch and I mean that literally.  Many was the night I had to gag something down she had made from scratch.  But that’s another story for another day.

I abhor the ladies that show up on the morning talk shows and brag about how they routinely go to the grocery store with their 18 million coupons in their chubby little hands and by the time they get through the check-out the grocery store owes them $172.50 for 3 bags of groceries.  It makes me irrationally upset.  Smug little women – you want to really know why I detest them?  Because they are ALWAYS right ahead of me in line and it takes twenty minutes to go through all those &^#$ coupons!  It’s true.

It seems more logical to me to stop all this coupon nonsense.  The grocery companies and the food companies should simply mark down the prices across the board.  We would all have so much more time to do other things besides buy magazines and newspapers so we can spend hours clipping coupons or printing them online.

As for me, I will continue my clipping compulsion and I will continue to add them to the stacks already stuck to the refrigerator.  Occasionally I may use one, but I’m thinking a very good idea would be to make a large colorful coupon collage.  Bet I could even sell it on Etsy.

Trivial Tuesday Things

Not having much of interest to write about, and still being a bit tired after yesterday’s volunteering stint, I thought I’d simply and briefly mention a few things that have caught my attention lately.

We’ve all seen the jokes that wander thru the net into our email boxes – here’s what I heard lately – a couple of reasons employees did not turn up at work, supposedly true and reported by HR directors:  1)  Employee was concerned he would lose the parking place in front of his house, 2) Employee’s dog was feeling stressed after a family reunion over the weekend.  Okay – If EmmaLou, the Golden Destroyer was feeling stressed, I might be inclined to “call in sick”.  I might.

Did you know that you can buy an MP3 alarm clock which will wake you up with motivational messages and instructions on how to stretch before you even get out of bed?  True – it’s called My Workout Wake Up Call and it sells for about $40.  I found it here .  I’m not making this up.

How many times have you reached into your oven and burned an arm?  Really.  I’ve done it numerous times by just accidentally bumping against one of the racks – hurts like hell, doesn’t it?  I’ve never found oven mitts that really keep my arms protected.  Now there is a company that makes neoprene oven mitts and they’re long enough to really cover your arms – supposedly they will protect you up to 500 degrees (and that’s hot).  They’re under $20 and you can find them here .  BTW they’re call Arlo Oven Mitts.  I’m going to order a set for sure.

Are you looking to re-decorate a room but you can’t afford to buy new furniture?  There’s a product on the market that I kid you not will change your upholstered furniture — at least that’s what the article in my local paper claims.  I make NO claims to this stuff.  It’s paint — eco-friendly upholstery paint called Simply Spray and one can covers approximately 17 square feet for $12.99 — now I’m not good at measurements so I’m thinking 17 square feet won’t cover your couch but will do a nice job on a plain upholstered chair – like the kind you see advertised for a dining room table.  I’m just a little leery of this though – my upholstered furniture in my living room is a floral tapestry.  Now granted I’m so sick of this furniture I could literally rip it apart with my teeth, but I really am leery of spray painting it.  The claims are you can use this spray paint for linens, lampshades, towels and other items because it doesn’t stiffen or harden on the product but stays soft to the touch.  I don’t know – if anyone wants to try it, let me know what you discover.  I think I’ll continue to live with my &&(&%^## living room furniture.

A few weeks ago Bob Dylan was in Long Branch, New Jersey on tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp.  A cop walked up to him because ole Bob was just wandering around and the very young cop asked  for his name.  Bob replied, “Bob Dylan.”  The cop asked, “What are you doing here?”  Bob replied, “I’m on tour.”  The cop actually requested backup and they escorted ole Bob to where the performers were staying to have a member of the tour staff vouch for ole Bob’s identity.  I alternated between laughing and feeling sad when I read this.  Then again I never really liked his music anyway.

There’s a classified ad in my paper today for a 10-year old Umbrella Cockatoo — only $700.  I’m wondering if he provides protection from the rain or in the sun.  He must do something for $700.  Here’s another ad for an apartment that advertises in HUGE BOLD PRINT…no rent until September.  Well, crap, that’s just a couple of weeks away – where’s the deal in that?   Here’s one that advertises an “authentic” Rolling Stones Guitar – Autographed – appraised at $2,900 but they’ll sell it for $400.  It’s probably autographed by Bob Dylan.

And finally, I actually got 3 readers signed up from my Monday posting on Craft Pay it Forward.  I figured no one would play – crap on a crutch, now I actually have to handmake 3 different items within the next year and actually send them to these poor ladies Mari,  Delaney,  and Mrsupole who all signed on to this.  Gah…why does my brain make me actually do this stuff before I’ve totally thought it out and realized I CAN’T CRAFT worth crap.  Oh well.  They have my permission to open their gifts, laugh hysterically, and then promptly throw them in the trash.  You won’t hurt my feelings, trust me.  Although by signing up for this they also agreed to blog about it and Pay it Forward to 3 other unsuspecting readers.

That’s my Tuesday Trivia.  Too tired to further entertain you today; you’ll simply have to find something to amuse yourselves now.  Go – off with you — find something to make you laugh, then share it with me please.

Crafting Pay it Forward…or Are You in For a Surprise!

artwork courtesy of http://peacelovehappiness.today.com

I have a new blog on my blogroll, Scriber’s Web – go visit and you’ll find a very nice and interesting site.  Scriber is taking part in something called Pay it Forward.  The rules for this Pay it Forward  (see her Pay it Forward HERE) dictate you handmake 3 items and send one each to the first 3 readers who comment to your blog that they want a handmade item from you.  You have 365 days in which to make and then deliver this item (an item totally of your choosing; a surprise to the recipient) (yes, the recipient will need to provide a shipping address.)

The idea is the receiver, in turn, posts a blog on Pay it Forward and volunteers to do the same thing;  handmake 3 items and offer them to other readers who comment.  It’s like a chain letter of handmade goodies. Doesn’t this sound like fun?  Make something; give it away.  I like it; I really like it.

Of course I’m getting in on this sort of second-hand – I wasn’t a recipient of anyone’s handmade item (oh poor me) – but I liked the idea so I will re-start the chain here and see what happens. (Remember my making Easter eggs while taking Valium?)  I have two recent handmade items in my home and that will suffice – so don’t feel bad for me.  What I get from this is the joy of being able to do something for someone else.  I always get a kick out of helping someone and hoping that they, in turn, will do a good deed for someone else – it just spreads the love around and everybody has a happier day.

Be warned; I’m not talented at making anything and there’s no telling what you  might receive or when, but it will be within the 365 day time limit.  You’ve seen some of my not so talented crafting. But I promise you I will make it all by myself – it will be a Linda-handmade creation.

Wanna join me in this effort?  First three readers interested let me know.  And you must promise me that you will Pay it Forward.

I Will Learn to Knit if it Kills Me…and it Might…

Is this not a serene picture of a lady just knitting and being so peaceful and calm and happy with her life?  This is what I want — okay, we can skip her outfit, but I want the serenity and satisfaction that knitting brings.  At least that’s what my knitting friends say — knitting helps them collect their thoughts, it calms them down, it makes them happy, it gives them cool sweaters to wear and Christmas gifts to give away plus my doctor thinks it will help strengthen my hand which is still weak from the dislocated shoulder incident way back in January.  Yeah, this is what I want!

Today I made a new friend, Arlene Graham.

what a lovely lady!

Arlene is the owner of the local knitting store here in Beavercreek – a lovely little shop called Fiberworks.

Puhleeze help me learn to knit!!

I have watched this shop from afar for months, always too afraid to go in and admit that I have a terminal case of Knitting Envy and want to learn to knit.  And then one day, I drove by the shop and Horrors!  It was gone!  I was in a hurry and drove by fast and went home to tell Devoted Spouse I had missed my chance.  He drove back and noticed a sign on the door explaining that the shop had moved a few miles away to a better location.  Hallelujah – my knitting fantasy was back on track!

Today on the way to the bank, I took the plunge, stopped in Arlene’s shop, introduced myself and told her my pitiful story of years of trying to learn to knit only to fail miserably.  She gave me hope and I am now on the list for the next beginner’s knitting class.  I’m so happy – but I feel sorry for Arlene.  She’s a very nice lady and she has no clue what she’s in for with me.  If there is such a thing as being a dyslexic knitter – that would be me.  I’m just afraid she’ll throw me out of her shop and never let me return.

Here are some shots of her shop – it’s darling, well-stocked, and even has a little knitting nook where the ladies gather to knit and chat (I’ll probably join but with a paper bag over my head so they can never identify the horrible knitter among them.)  She has a website:  http://www.fiberworksdayton.com but I understand it needs a little updating and she is putting her husband to work making a new and improved website for ya’ll to visit.  But if you ever find yourself in Beavercreek, OH stop in and see her at 1350A N. Fairfield Rd.  Her number is 937-429 YARN.   And tell her Linda sent you (although let’s see how I do with this first – she may get to the point that the thought of my name may drive her over the edge.)

so much beautiful fiber!

fabulous colors and textures

plop down and stitch!

No matter how much I want this I see nothing good coming of it — only disaster.  Knitting disaster follows me like a flea tracking EmmaLou, my Golden Destroyer.  It is inevitable I will stab something or someone with a knitting needle, have a project full of holes that shouldn’t be there, or trip over the yarn and break a leg.  I just know it.  I’m going forward with this project anyway.  Watch out Arlene, here I come!

Go to my other blog to watch me knit – I’m just a flippin’ knittin’ wonder woman that’s for sure!  To give you an example, below is a pic of some practice knitting I did using a book that assured me anyone could learn to knit.

Oh Puhleeze I’m just kidding – that’s not a picture of anything I did – below is  the REAL picture of my knitting:

the most pitiful excuse for knitting there is

Even EmmaLou wants in on the act as you can see from the below pic — oh this is going to be fun I can see…

hard to see but it's white yarn on a white rug & it's in her mouth!

I later found her under the table chewing on one of my knitting needles

I don’t know when my first class will be – seems as if Arlene’s teacher is also having back surgery (seems to be going around) so it could be awhile, but I’ll keep you updated…or should I say I’ll keep you in stitches…