Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Dear Faithful Readers:

I’m giving Crone and Bear It a break.  That’s not to say I’ll never post here again.  I’ve learned to never say never.

In the meantime, I’ve embarked on a new blogging journey.  Please come see my new endeavor She’s A Pretty Good Christian.

You’ll find me at http://shesaprettygoodchristian.com  Never fear, my humor has not left me.

Oh yeah, EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer will be a part of the new blog, no doubt.  See ya over there.

Love,

Linda and

The Pain of Passwords

courtesy of hdsoft.org

Are you like me and have just had it up to there with passwords?  I tried to access a site earlier and couldn’t remember my password.  Thirty minutes later, numerous screens, error messages, and two emails, I still don’t know the password.  That’s 30 minutes of my life I could have spent doing my cardio work-out.  (insert hysterical laughter here)

When I worked in a cubicle farm, a majority of us would stash our computer passwords under our keyboards.  We all knew each other did this, but nobody said anything because, of course, it was not an allowed practice.  But it was easy to remember.  And, that’s the problem with passwords — only a 12-yr old can remember any of them.

I tried using the same password for everything.  That fell apart when some jerk hacked an email account.  I got the notification, panicked, and realized I had 70 hundred thousand million passwords to generate.  And they all had to be different.  And I had to have them in my head and be able to retrieve them.  Oh my.  This would never work.

I got the bright idea of jotting down passwords in a small notebook.  That failed when the notebook fell on the family room floor somehow and EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, had a midnight snack.  Ack.

Next, I decided to embed passwords into phone numbers.  Disaster!  I couldn’t remember which part of the phone number was the password, or if the phone number was a real one, and ended up phoning some rather angry people.

I had heard about smart phone aps that took care of passwords.  I quickly downloaded the latest ap.  I loaded all my passwords into it, then gave it a password.  Guess what I forgot?  The password to access my passwords.

I created an Excel spreadsheet and put all my passwords there.  Then I thought it would be a good idea to print it out, so if I died unexpectedly (like from a password event-generated stroke), Devoted Spouse would be able to get into all my records online.  But the spreadsheet was too big for my printer paper.  I had to scotch-tape the printed pages together.  It turned into such a mess, I shredded everything and opened a bottle of wine.

There seems to be no easy solution to this.  I have a copy of the spreadsheet that wasn’t taped together. I threw it in a file folder to deal with later.  I just don’t remember what I did with that folder…sigh…

If I’m Cranky, Just Blame the Local News Station

pic courtesy of activerain.com

Another dreary gloomy rainy cold day.  Blechhhh.  I whip up a pot of not-so-homemade (translate: out of a box) potato soup for dinner.  As I’m ladling out the bowls and finding some bread, Devoted Spouse heads to the kitchen table with the tv remote in hand.  Oh joy…our dinner entertainment once again is the local news.

Now, I’m not putting down local news.  These folks do a great job of telling me what is happening in my neighborhood or surrounding areas.  They alert me to traffic tie-ups, abandoned house fires, and police raids at downtown bars complete with the picture of Bubba with the coat over his head.  Then there is the weather.  Watching the weather report while I eat usually gives me heartburn, and not always due to the weather (pretentious weatherman slap slap).

Hence, we’re eating our soup and watching a different channel’s local newscast so I don’t have to tolerate ‘pretentious weatherman’. This poor channel is at the bottom of the barrel ratings-wise.  They don’t have the most up-to-date Doppler radar. I think they have a guy in the back who looks out the window to check the weather then alerts the weatherperson via walkie talkie.  Nor do they have a fancy set with cute backdrops or nifty monitors.  But they do feature something unique. 

About midway through the broadcast is a segment where a young man ever-so-patiently explains in excruciating mind-numbing detail not only what is on their website but how to navigate said website and what stories to click on when you get there.  I used to be extremely annoyed when a news anchor would scream at me, “You heard it here first!”  That was nothing compared to being walked through the website.  It reminded me of the Friends episode where Joey actually climbs into his pop-up map of London — it’s that pitiful.  Adding insult to injury, one topic is chosen for which the station has requested viewers’ comments and the detailed explanation of how to find that question is topped only by the agonizing  (oh yes he does) READING of the answers outloud as the “mouse” clicks over them.  Contrary to popular belief, most of us who watch the news can read by ourselves.  By that point in the broadcast, I was seriously considering jabbing my dinner knife deep into my ear canal just to make him stop. The mute button still didn’t mute him enough.  I would have driven my foot through the television but the kitchen table was too far away. I began foaming at the mouth and told Devoted Spouse it was just a little soup I had dribbled.

The ‘pretentious weatherman’ on the other channel is looking better…sigh…

How to Lose Weight and Save Money… Sort of

Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year are over kids.  The bills are waiting to be paid, and those pesky holiday pounds are sitting on our butts waiting to be dealt with.    But wait — there is help available.  In fact, my daily newspaper  recently published an article on how to lose weight without losing a lot of money.  Yay. 

Reading the article, I am heartened to find that eating at home will help me peel off these pounds.  Hmmm, seems to me I ate those Christmas cookies at home.  Perhaps the idea here is not to buy that 4 pound container of cookie dough at the grocery store.  I’ll be sure and shop the perimeter of the store, too, since that’s where the fresher groceries reside   But wait…I need teabags.  Let me  just tip-toe into one of the inner aisles, grab a box of teabags, and flee before the boxed puddings attack me.

According to the article  to lose weight one should “sip savvy”.  Well, if I knew what savvy was, I’d sip the dickens out of it to lose these 4 pounds.  After looking all through the beverage section, I found no refreshing beverage called “savvy.”  I did locate the red wine. 

The paper’s helpful hint here  is to drink seltzer.  Have any of you actually tasted “seltzer”?  The only description coming to mind is…blechh.   This article claims seltzer is refreshing  and I can decorate it just like a mixed drink or even dye it (dye it???).  I think not.  I believe I’ll just keep sipping my glass of red wine.  The seltzer will come in handy when EmmaLou, Golden Destroyer, whacks her tail into the wine glass and hurtles it across the floor. 

To further save money, the writer has this neat idea that we all cut out cable and instead spend our TV time outdoors.   Ah yes…the great outdoors beckons.  I’ll just peek into my neighbor’s window and see what’s on their cable.  Hey!  What’s that revolving blue light in the driveway?

While I found the  article mildly amusing, I about fell out of my comfy chair when I turned the page.   There in bold type with a stunning picture was the following headline:  “For a splurge, try bacon-cheddar quiche.”  The recipe called for flour, real butter, eggs, full-fat cheddar cheese, bacon, heavy cream and – are you ready?  LARD.  Conveniently left out was any nutritional information such as the caloric content.  I’m guessing a healthy slice  probably exceeds the daily calorie requirements for two or three Sumo wrestlers at the very least.

One page all about getting rid of holiday pounds cheaply and easily; the next how to pack them back on.  I love my local newspaper…sigh…

Words That Make Your Resume Suck

I remember some time ago reading an article intended to help those seeking jobs by alerting them to certain words or phrases they should not use on their resumes.  The concern was applicants may be using generic language; language that doesn’t specifically demonstrate capabilities.   Over-used, trite, unsupportable phrases make Human Resource Managers cringe.  Six examples were provided:

1.  “Responsible for” — So what?  We’re all responsible for something.  Simply state what you did and how the way you accomplished it brought value to your company.

2.  “Experienced” — One would hope there was a smattering of experience being exhibited for the job listing. 

3.  “Excellent written communication skills” — This one grates on my nerves, too.   A smarter approach is to ‘write’ a nifty resume.

4.  “Team player” – what were your team colors?  (snort)

5.  “Detail oriented” – Glad to know you don’t simply skim over instructions from the boss.  Stupid phrase; I agree.  I’m actually Southern oriented.  Go figure.

6.  “Successful” —  Yippee Skippy for you; be detail oriented and show your successes.  (snort again)

Those were the top 6 sucky words or phrases but as I sat here pretending to be a Human Resource Manager on a cold, snowy, sucky day with nothing better to do… I came up with a few more that could conceivably sneak into a resume.  So, here are a few words and phrases I’m going to caution you not to use in your resume.

1.  “Colostomy Bag” — While you may need extra personal breaks during your work day,  please don’t put that in print.  Instead, bring it up during the interview while discussing benefits, assuming you get that far since you’ll be dashing in and out.

2.  “Likes Small Animals” – Unless you are applying for a position with the Humane Society, what you do on your off time is your business.   Especially if it involves guinea pigs.

3.  “Objective: Interested in a  Job With Dental Benefits So I Can Get My Teeth Fixed” — This could go several ways depending on whether or not the job actually requires teeth.

4.  “I No Longer Do What the Little Voices Tell Me” –   Human Resources little voice says, run Forrest, run.

5.  “My Politics Lean Toward Either Spock or Kirk in 2012” –  Human Resources leans toward transporting your resume to the Klingon home world.

6.  “I Am Willing to Eat Lunch at My Desk With My Little Soldiers” – Human Resources is willing to use your resume as an origami project.

And remember always to add three character references (aside from your Parole Officer)…sigh…

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up – Really…Part 2

 

Last time we met, I regaled you with the antics of Devoted Spouse.  Turnabout is fair play so today I shall tell on myself.  Let the fun begin.

I have recently become involved in a ministry effort at my church.  We are still forming a team and Sunday the newest members of the team met at a local restaurant for a get-together and overview of our team efforts to date.   There were 6 of us around the table, plus our Pastor; a  nice cozy gathering of spiritually-gifted ladies.  Warriors for God.  Woot!

We had some introductory time to chat and our Pastor gave us several questions to answer as an “ice-breaker.”  I don’t know about you but just  mention the term “ice-breaker” to me and I will do my best to scramble across the backs of the people next to me as I race to the nearest exit leaving all my possessions behind.  Even though I’m a raging extrovert, I don’t do well with “ice-breakers.”

We partnered, asked each other the questions, jotted down the answers, then went around the room sharing one of those answers of our partner.   Keep in mind, please, there are some deeply theologically thoughtful ladies at the table  (including my Pastor to whom I’m right this moment sending a subliminal message….. I’m truly not a goofball…I’m truly not a goofball… I do take this seriously…I do take this seriously) and some of the answers given were very insightful and thought-provoking.

One question was:  If you were a Super Hero, which Super Hero would you be and why?  Another was:  If you could ask Jesus any question face-to-face when you get to heaven what would you ask? And the third was: What ministries have you been involved in in the past and how were they a good fit for you?  As I was eavesdropping, I was catching some very interesting answers going around the table (by this time I had already given my answers to my partner) and I’m thinking to myself….. dear partner puhleeeze don’t choose question number 2 to tell the group. 

Didja ever do something you instantly regretted?  Didja ever say something you wanted to snatch out of the air immediately…I mean immediately???  Yeah, uh-huh…me, too.

I’m overhearing ladies talking about asking Jesus some powerful questions….questions involving their families’ welfare….questions about their pets (HEY – I wanna know that EmmaLou will be there with me, too!) and some theological puzzlers like what will be the salvation for our friends of other faiths?  These are all valid, spiritual, genuine, thoughtful, well-done answers.

My partner announces to the group…For Question Number Two on what would you ask Jesus face-to-face, Linda answered: 

 “Jesus, what’s the deal with brussel sprouts anyway…what were you thinkin?”

There was a polite smattering of laughter and all I wanted to do was slink away…get home, dye my hair another color, get on the Internet and find Guido who can get me a new identity andhelp me get outta Dodge.

I need to work on that part of my brain responsible for thoughtful replies…sigh…