An article the other day alerted me to the fact my home is covered literally in nasty germs; germs that could potentially make me very sick. Great, something else I have to put on my list of worries.
Germs. I wash my hands all the time but apparently that’s not enough — now I have to wash my hands while simultaneously singing several stanzas of Happy Birthday to You or some other song so the soap has enough time to actually kill the germs. Then I wipe my hands on a towel I’ve already used. Shoots that clean theory right out, huh?
“Gretchen the Immaculate” comes in every other week and goes top to bottom scrubbing and sanitizing my house. Unfortunately I have seen some of her “cleaning” methods. She uses my dish towels to wipe things down like my kitchen counters after she has used my “dish sponge” to do the cleaning. Yikes – that’s like just grabbing a big old fistful of Salmonella and spreading it around like you’re making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I’ll have germs on whole wheat for lunch, thank you…with a side of virus to go - – yum.
When we come home to our “clean” house, the first thing I always do is throw all the dish towels down the basement stairs for the laundry; the second thing I do is take the kitchen sponge and dampen it and pop it in the microwave for about a minute and a half on high to sanitize it. And the third thing I do is get out the Clorox Wipes and wipe down every “touchable” surface — light fixtures, the top of faucets, toilet bowl handles, remote controls, all doorknobs and every other surface I can get a wipe to wipe. Did you know one of the dirtiest spots (aside from your remote control) is the keypad on your Microwave? No lie. I’m getting to be an expert at where these little buggers hide. I Clorox-wiped my laptop keyboard the other day — had a hard time with the spot where the quotation key used to be – didn’t want to get any minute amount of liquid down in there or I’m toast for typing. So now everytime I use the hole that serves as the quotation mark button, I worry about what obnoxious disease I may be introducing to my fingers. Wait a minute, my nose itches; OH NO, I TOUCHED MY FACE. They always tell you in capital letters not to touch around your nose or eyes – yeah, like don’t think about pink elephants. Ya thought of ‘em, didn’t ya? Bet you scratched your nose, too. Germ-spreader.
I’m becoming a germophobe and it’s not pretty. At church I try not to touch people – although I do give out hugs – I just try not to get too close (except for this past Sunday but that was another special story I”ll share another day). And as soon as I’m back in my car, out comes the antibacterial stuff in the little container and goop gets dropped in my hands and put on my steering wheel, inside of the door handle, and the gear shift. One day while I was still working, one of my cubemates dared me to put some of the germs goop in my mouth to sanitize my mouth. Of course being the idiot I am (and always looking for a laugh) I did it. Didn’t work – my mouth wasn’t any cleaner and it was weeks before the taste of a weird greasy-like Pledge substance actually left my mouth. Of course my breath was lemony fresh but I digress. This germ thing is becoming so obsessive it’s just this side of out of control.
Go ahead, call me anal. Call me obsessive compulsive. Call me a nutcase. I don’t care. The flu is not visiting these premises this year if there’s anything I can do about it. Now if I could just figure out how to hold my breath successfully for long periods of time…
I do this because I suffer from an immune system that thinks flu and cold germs are its friends — an immune system that invites in e.Coli and Salmonella and all other types of nasty things to my system for a party. C’mon down, Linda’s immune system is now open for business. Gah…..
I’ve been sniffling and sneezing alot the last two weeks — I thought it was a cold but I think it’s just the change in weather here and allergies kicking in. My immune system is setting the table already with the chips and dip just inviting the germies to gather so I’m taking a Defensive Stance and eating bucketfulls of Vitamin C and Vitamin D and lots of fresh fruits, veggies, protein, and water. I’m also eating alot of fish. I’ll probably drop dead from mercury poisoning or from the amounts of weird birth control drugs that are showing up in tap water, but at least I’m trying.
I’m not even going to mention the possibilities of germs from EmmaLou the Golden Destroyer – she’s what I nicely refer to as a self-cleaning pet…and then she plants one on me – right on the lips – YUK – dog germs (as Lucy would say). So far, she hasn’t transmitted anything to us – but I know that many times she finds her own butt rather fascinating, so ’nuff said there. Germs. Little buggers everywhere.
Clorox likes me so much they send me coupons. I think I’ve made their stock go up because I invest in so much of their product. Clorox is a great cleaner – just watch your skin, your carpet, anything that might lose color like your Golden Retriever – yikes – and oh yeah, it works a real number on the nasty weeds the neighbor behind me is allowing to grow through my fence – I just surreptitiously go out there at night and pour Clorox over the fenceline. Muahahahahaha. Take that you crazy man!
So don’t forget to wipe down all your surfaces with a disinfectant – and stay out of the doctor’s office coz I know from past experience that place will make you sicker when you leave than when you first walked in. Achoo! Oh crap…