What the Heck is Fork Split?

Now that Devoted Spouse and I are both retired, we engage in an early morning activity we once had no time to enjoy.  No…not that activity…I’m talking about having breakfast together.  Together… with lots of time to enjoy a second pot of coffee, and while actually sitting down at the breakfast table.

Cholesterol be danged, we like bacon for breakfast.  We enjoy real caffeinated strong coffee for breakfast.  One of us enjoys eggs (that would be me) while the other one turns up his cute little nose.  We both enjoy various breads.  Our one salute to the diet and health aspect is to substitute Smart Balance spread for real butter.  I’m not that thrilled about the substitution, but I have accepted it.

One of our favorite breads is the old fashioned English Muffin — you know those wonderful squashed white bread thingies – Thomas’s English Muffins.   Not to get too far off the subject, but we visited England and they eat scones and crumpets – not English Muffins.  It would be silly to call crumpets ‘English crumpets’  in England just like it would be silly to call fried chicken ‘American fried chicken’  in America.   We know the French don’t call their potatoes French Fries, but then again,  personal experience has shown the French to be a bunch of arrogant, rude….oh I’m getting so off track here.  Anyway…we’re discussing English muffins.

As I was preparing our English muffins to be toasted, I had to finish slicing them open.  The muffins are placed in their little package “fork split” but that doesn’t open them completely;  hence, the slicing operation.   As I was slicing through the bread I wondered why anyone in their right mind would use a fork to partially cut open a muffin.  It causes a raggedy mess and makes the final slicing difficult and messy at best.  In fact, as I sliced one muffin, I noticed a tremendous amount of bread crumbs, many of which were rather large.   It seemed such a waste, that I took the following picture to demonstrate just how much left-over bread there is when slicing open an English muffin.

006-4

Now, it’s a bit difficult to tell, as my digital camera doesn’t work very well with close-ups, but that is an All-Clad  2-Tablespoon measuring cup of bread that didn’t make it into the muffin because some manufacturing geek thought it would be cheaper in the process to use a fork to split the muffins instead of a knife.  Two tablespoons worth!   If you multiply that by the number of muffins in each package, well, I’d wager you get at least one muffin’s worth of crumbs per package.  What a travesty.

Thinking maybe this was my fault for using a serrated knife to finish opening up the muffins, I tried a regular butter knife.  It made an unholy mess as I ripped open the muffins.  Then I took a fork and attempted to finish splitting the muffin apart – and I ended up with alot of crumbs and a place on my palm where the fork accidentally poked the crap out of me.   You simply have to finish the job using a serrated edge knife and that leads to all the excess pieces of muffin.

There is a distinct possibility that I have too much time on my hands.

13 thoughts on “What the Heck is Fork Split?

  1. This is too funny Linda – I’m thinking half way through your narrative, “Linda has too much time on her hands” and then I read your last sentence. Hence I agree with your summation. I love any kind of bread myself as long as it isn’t dark brown or burnt. I used to love these Australian English Muffins – okay, I’m sure they weren’t called English muffins – but they looked the same only smoother so they didn’t make a big mess. I’m not sure they even make them anymore. Now I must have too much time on my hands because I just continued the English muffin conversation. Egad!
    Sometimes I am amazed at how my brain works and the things that I think about. And what’s truly amazing is it’s important stuff to me. Why? Why can’t I be like normal people…

  2. Shoot I should have been the first one, cause I wanted to say–You are so right. That little fork cut idea was born before serrated knives. I use a slick, very long slicer that you could use to cut meats very think. It produces less crumbs but I always get them on the floor. I also wanted to tell you that if anyone thought “linda” they were wrong. The way you write is phenomenal and can’t imagine how funny you are as you do these things and you are thinking all these thoughts!! I say take this to the board of Thomas and say we want cut muffins. Hoorah for Linda!!!!
    You are the funniest and the best, Frank
    I love you too, buckaroo.

  3. Sorry its not THAT activity.

    I skip the bacon and go straight for the butter. JR has an English muffin addiction. So now I make scones every weekend that last him throughout the week. The recipe is from my mother-in-law’s Irish Aunt. So, not technically English scones they are close enough.

    Can you ever really have too much time on your hands? I don’t think so.
    yeah, me too, but the seams in the vinyl were killing me…

  4. Your last statement is definitely the truth, waaayyyy tooo much time on your hands but that is good for those of us that read your blog. If you didn’t have the time or the frame of mind you do, we wouldn’t be so entertained. :-)

    Hubby and I are a bacon, egg and home fries type of breakfast people, cholesterol be damned! I could eat that for lunch or dinner as well. Love breakfast foods.
    I never realized how much I loved breakfast until I had the time to really enjoy a full breakfast. And I agree, breakfast is great at any meal!!

  5. The English are still mad about losing all their colonies, so they are sticking it to everybody with the English muffin thing, which is a form of passive non-cooperation they learned from Ghandi in the 1930′s. Its true, if you’ve ever seen some Englishmen open a muffin, they always give each other a knowing glance…
    Not only that but these silly buggers eat broiled tomatoes for breakfast – aaaghhhhh how disgusting is that. And they wonder why we threw their tea in the harbor.

  6. I hate to disillusion anyone..but…..I use a fork to split my muffins….it does so with a bare minimum of crumbs left over….Less than a teaspoon….the trick is to follow the line around the muffin…hold in left hand[if right handed] curve of forking towards the left hand…insert tines all the way in..making sure to keep the fork at a slight angle…..give an easy and slight twist to the right or left[as the case may be] move fork about tine width and repeat….continue to do this all the way around said muffin..and VOILA…muffin splits with a
    minimum of crumbs….NEVER use a serrated blade…NEVER..

    Before “fork split” I use a sharp thin blade boning knife….At 69, pushing hard on 70, I have “forked” a muffin or two…..No pun intended…It took a lot of different attempts before I figured how to do this…..Ya All have a good day….
    I have always used a serrated edged knife so maybe that’s my problem — as I live and breathe….thanks Nick.

  7. Just an fyi, I’m English and we call them English Muffins too, probably to do with the fact we have the same definition of Muffin, as we do with a lot of things thanks to the mass amount of American TV we recieve here!
    And to be honest as far as frequency of foods, I and people I know eat more English Muffins then Crumpets and more Crumpets then Scones…
    Just wanted to input my input!
    Hi James thanks for commenting! We now have crumpets and scones here too but they’re usually not split apart – one must slice them. The English Muffins of which I spoke have partially been opened and it just seems when one opens them completely to toast one loses a lot of bread. Oh well. Thanks again for your kind comment! ;)

  8. Hi. I am English so hopefully i can shed some light. They are packaged as fork split and the intention is to pull them apart slowly. You shouldn’t use anything to seperate them apart from your own fair hands. The idea in that they tear unevenly so when toasted, there is more texture and the surface means it holds butter and jam etc bettter. Also we do call them both Muffins AND English Muffins although most are packaged as just muffins.

    We do eat tomatoes on our breakfasts too but the term is grilled and not broiled. My favourite for breakfast is black pudding which is boiled pigs blood with oats which is piped into a sausage form. Beautiful!

  9. I watched an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” recently where there was a big argument over ‘fork split’. Does that mean…you can split it with a fork or that they have used a fork to split it at the factory…Ooh, the great mysteries of life… Great post…funny!!

  10. Ugh … we got so tired of the whole mess with “fork split” English Muffins that we switched brands. Life is too short to be forked, sliced, nicked and serrated trying to open up the muffins!

    We now enjoy Bay’s English Muffins (http://www.bays.com/) for breakfast. You should give them a try too … your hands will thank you. ;0)

    ~Pamela

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